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DD age 6 friendship woes - I don't know what to do...

(2 Posts)
snottagecheese Fri 13-Nov-15 16:35:30

Bit of background: DD was best buddies with X for the whole of Reception and the first term of Y1. In the second term of Y1, Y joined the class and the three of them became a tight-knit little gang for the remainder of the school year. But something changed not long after the start of Y2 (i.e. a couple of months ago) - according to DD (and obviously I only have her side, though I haven't heard anything to contradict it yet), X and Y started excluding her, picking on her, with Y in particular seeming to lead things (e.g. Y told Z, who's good friends with DD out of school, that she wasn't allowed to play with DD any more and if she did, Z could 'never come to Y's house again').

Things seemed better for a week or so after half term, but this week DD's teacher said DD had been mucking around with X and Y in class, talking back etc (not like DD, and I think not like X and Y either). Then today her teacher took me aside to tell me DD had scratched Y on the face after Y had said something that upset her. DD told me later that the 'something' was Y taunting her that she always got more sweets when she went to Z's house, which seems (and is, effectively,) very minor, but the subtext was that Z likes Y more than she likes DD, which upset DD since she and Z have been friends since they were in nursery together. She also said that Y often makes a point of telling a teacher when DD has done something slightly naughty - e.g. DD threw a friend's jumper behind a fence and the friend didn't mind, she and DD were laughing about it, but Y went straight off to 'tell on her' even though they'd got the jumper back.

Now, I'm not defending DD's behaviour at all, and told her very firmly that she cannot scratch/hurt people when she's upset, no matter how they make her feel. She does have trouble controlling her feelings and will lash out when angry/upset, so it's an ongoing issue and something we're trying to work on with her. On the other hand it seems to me that Y does try to provoke her, for example I suggested to DD that she simply stay away from Y, but she says that when she does try to avoid her, Y follows her around asking her why she won't talk to/play with her etc.

God, sorry, this wasn't meant to be so long! So - what do I do? To complicate things further I get on really well with Y's mum, who is lovely, but I'm going to have to talk to her I think - not least about the scratch, and also because DD was planning to have a birthday sleepover with X, Y and Z in a month or so, which is looking like an increasingly awful idea. If you have read this far, thank you - and any advice or insight would be much appreciated...

SevenSeconds Fri 13-Nov-15 17:20:01

When my DD was in year 2 last year she went through something similar. She and X had been best friends since pre-school, then Y joined the group and the three of them became very close, then Y seemed to start doing things to turn DD and X against each other. Sometimes she seemed to gang up with X against DD, and other times she and DD would gang up on Y (but I only heard about the latter when I eventually chatted to X's mum about it - DD only told me about the times when she was the one who was left out and upset).

As you have, I suggested to DD that she played with other friends, but just like your DD she said that then X and Y would come and ask why she wasn't playing with them.

It went on for a few weeks but it all blew over in the end. Now DD and X are back to being great friends and are no longer so close to Y.

Anyway, my advice is:
Try not to stress - I think this sort of thing is very common among 6/7 yo girls! It will probably sort itself out eventually.
Remember that you're only hearing half the story. I'm not saying your DD is lying, but my DD honestly didn't seem to be aware of the times when X was left out, only when she was.
Be very careful about approaching Y's mum - probably better to discuss it with the teacher (not just the scratching but the wider friendship issues).
I'd go ahead with the sleepover if I were you as it might be a positive experience for the group of them, but obviously keep a close eye on them in case anything goes wrong.

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