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Dd cannot let things go

(6 Posts)
Maki79 Mon 09-Nov-15 20:28:44

I'm at my wits end with my 6.5 yr old dd1.

She escalates things that she deems as unfair to such a degree that we have hours of screaming and attempts at hurting herself when for instance I witness her be mean to her brother and I've asked her to apologise.

She has had meltdowns bad enough that I do believe that in the moment she wants to die.

We're awaiting news as to whether our request to have her referred to camhs is successful or not.

I wouldn't have thought she has aspergers as she's v sociable although she definitely has some traits.

She also isn't doing brilliantly at school. Finds learning tough as she has a depressed working memory and very slow verbal processing. This also contributes to play being tough as she can't keep up with the fast pace at which playground games change. Mixed with that she's v bright and confident in her personality (whilst uber unconfident in her abilities). She's a wonderfully funny, generous, frustrated and anxious little girl.

She had a bad day at school today and was told to sit at the teachers feet as she was messing around. This has all come out after a meltdown because I asked her to apologise to her brother for pinching him. An hour of screaming because
we believe his version of events over hers (dp witnessed it).

I don't really know what I would like in response to this, but it does feel cathartic to an extent writing things down.

Does anyone have any advice or sympathy or similar issue??

Thanks!

Kleinzeit Mon 09-Nov-15 23:44:47

Being sociable doesn’t always rule out Asperger’s – my DS was diagnosed with Asperger’s age 6, he was very outgoing but could also be very controlling. He had a group of friends in parimary school and loved company but he was bad at picking up social cues from other kids and things had to be very much on his terms. He can (still, he’s teenaged now) appear confident to the point of arrogance, no matter whether he really has a clue what is talking about smile

My DS was more prone to meltdowns after a stressful day. And he would sometimes insist that things happened a particular way and there was no changing his mind despite all evidence! He pretty much convinced himself and that was that. He’s an only child so it mostly happened at school, I used to view it as my job to get him to calm down enough to accept whatever punishment the school imposed though he would never actually admit he was in the wrong. So not much advice, just sympathy!

Have you looked at The Explosive Child book? A lot of us here have found the approach very helpful for managing anxious/temperamental/rigid kids, including kids with ASCs though it doesn’t rely on any particular diagnosis.

Kleinzeit Mon 09-Nov-15 23:51:43

PS My DS also had a specific issue about apologising - he found it really difficult. He could apologise for something he had really done accidentally (like bumping into someone) but not if he had done something deliberately. He always argued that he was justified. The school worked on it for a long time, starting off by giving him a card with "sorry" written on it to show to the other child. And later on he actually found it easier to write an apology than say one. If your DD sees a SALT perhaps you could discuss it?

Maki79 Tue 10-Nov-15 07:25:08

Thankyou Kleinzeit, from what you have written dd sounds exactly the same as your ds!

She is very logical and will not say sorry/thankyou for a lovely party/good morning if she doesn't feel sorry/enjoy the party/think it's a good morning!

And if she's not in control it can go one of two ways....she'll sit out and pretend not to mind not being in the game or she'll join in and try and take control which usually ends in a meltdown.

Did you find it helpful getting the ASD diagnosis?

Has your ds found it tough maintaining friendships? I worry about this as currently dd's friends are very forgiving because they are so young but surely at some point they'll nit want to have a friend that gets angry with them if they're not in control of the games!

Ds just woken up so best get up too!

Kleinzeit Tue 10-Nov-15 18:29:58

My DS was probably less able and more aggressive than your DD so we had to get a diagnosis to keep him in school. He was never the most popular kid but despite all he did have good friends through primary school, they tended to be some of the bright and lively but rather immature and even ADD-ish little boys who were surprisingly forgiving and maybe appreciated DS’s focus and determination. Also his loyalty – he would stand up for his friends against adults if he thought they’d been treated unfairly!

On the more positive side, the diagnosis brought us (and the school) a lot of ideas and advice on how to help him improve his social abilities and behaviour. And he got access to a social skills group which has helped him a lot with friendships and generally getting along. We tried to give him a more structured social life, keeping him busy with clubs and activities and less casual socialising because that was much harder for him. After he started secondary he didn’t have much social life out of school for a few years, but he coped inside school (with support from staff who knew about his difficulties and diagnosis) and things have picked up so that now he has a good group of friends in school, is forever txting and emailing his pals and even goes out with them occasionally as well.

So it's possible that your DD could have some difficulties with friendships. But there are ups and downs and for some kids it's a long slow learning curve over time. Even if it's not all plain sailing she will get through the difficult bits with your help flowers

Maki79 Tue 10-Nov-15 19:07:20

Thankyou Kleinzeit, I'm so pleased your son has good friends now! And the texting/mailing made me smile!

They do sound similar, I posted only the other day about how Dd had shouted at her friends mother across the room because she felt he had been unjustly told off! I wanted the ground to swallow me up!

We'll see what happens in the next few weeks. I think the likelihood is that our camhs referral will be declined again and it will once again take a big incident (she recently purposefully stepped out in front of a car during a meltdown) to get anyone to listen.

Since we have had the results from her IQ test and can see where some of her frustrations lie we've had a strict routine for mornings and bedtimes, which I must say we find hard as we're not that organised, but it has so obviously helped, and similarly to you we've pretty much completely stopped the casual playdates.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and for sharing your experiences.flowers

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