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My son acts up to his stepdad only when I'm there, need help please

(8 Posts)
MammaMax1 Mon 02-Nov-15 22:58:12

Okay so I've been with my partner since my son was 4 months. While he was a baby he got on great with my partner until recently he seems to not be getting along with him like her used to he's now 2 years old and I want to address this as quickly as possible because it's causing friction between us all.

We also had a new baby 9 months ago so I'm not sure if this is contributing with the problem, but he gets on great with his stepsister and the problems only seem to appear when I enter the room.

Instead of doing what my partner tells him he will cry or take a tantrum and come running to me. Myself and my partner try to do everything as a team when it comes to bringing them up but I don't know where his new behaviour is coming from and it's not only upsetting me but it's upsetting my partner as well, he he's stressed and try's hard to stay calm with him but this is really damaging there bond I'm afraid.

Please help I'm not sure what to do

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 02-Nov-15 23:10:48

Two years old is prime time for tantrums - it's not called the terrible twos for nothing. Maybe if your dp understands that this is perfectly normal toddler behaviour, and isn't aimed at him because he isn't your ds's biological dad, that might help a bit.

Working as a team is absolutely the best way to tackle this - and there is lots of help, both here and elsewhere, on tackling the toddler tantrums. Picking your battles helps, but giving in to the tantrums can often make things worse.

When ds1 was in the worst of the terrible twos, he was having an almighty tantrum (he'd screamed for 1.5 hours the night before, it wasn't yet 9am, and he'd been screaming for 45+ minutes), and I was on the phone to dh, in floods of tears because I couldn't cope.

Then it went quiet.

I ended the call, and went to investigate - and found ds1 by the kitchen bin - it was full, and at the top were some leftover tortilla chips dh and I hadn't eaten the night before - and ds1 was eating them!

I knew that, if I removed him from his bin-snack, he would start screaming again - so I let him carry on. When he had had enough, and wandered off, I emptied the bin, and found it a new home in a cupboard - but it is probably not my finest parenting moment! blush

MammaMax1 Mon 02-Nov-15 23:21:06

Thank you for responding so fast, yeh we were expecting the terrible twos, it sometimes seems like more because most of the day he's fine but as an example

If my partner has let me have a lie in he gets up with the 3 and there fine all morning then I walk in the door and he will just start crying and run over to me and then he will barely acknowledge my partner if he try's to pick him up or talk to him he will just cry and run to me, but when I'm not there there the best of friends

Don't get me wrong he has the typical terrible twos tantrum if I say he can't have that sweetie or its bed time but these other ones just don't seem normal, I've been considering asking my health visitor to come out and talk to us about it but I don't want to make a huge problem out of somthing that might go away with age I just don't want them to loose the great bond they developed while he was a baby

MammaMax1 Mon 02-Nov-15 23:23:35

And they eat things of the ground if your not quick enough to catch them I think some tortilla chips of the top of the bin would be alright :P

amarmai Tue 03-Nov-15 00:47:52

he needs your reassurance that you still love him as you have had a new baby. All normal! Dh shd try not to take it personally as it isn't . Please both of try to distract, comfort, ignore etc and NOT oppose and punish as that will reinforce the behaviour you want to go away. And it will go away if you keep on ignoring the _ve and reinforcing the +ve and hug , hug, hug.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Tue 03-Nov-15 11:43:55

Well - bin-tortilla-boy has grown into a strapping, mature and responsible 22 year old, with a degree and actual paid employment - even though there were times I didn't think both of us would survive the terrible twos.

I think the playing up when you come in is pretty normal too - trying to play you off against each other. When ds3 was a baby, dh couldn't settle him, if he was crying, no matter what he did - but as soon as I picked him up, he'd snuggle into me and fall asleep - dh was actually quite hurt by this - he felt rejected by the baby.

I am sure that, if you asked your HV to come out and have a chat with you (or if you went in and saw her at your surgery or wherever) she would be happy to advise and reassure you.

Amarami's advice is all good - lots of positive reinforcement - it might also be good if your dp could spend some one-on-one time with your ds, doing something special - reinforce that he's the big boy, so he gets to do stuff the baby can't do - plus little treats with your dp to help build the relationship between them.

And remember - this too shall pass.

MammaMax1 Tue 03-Nov-15 21:24:49

Thank you so much for your advice, will be putting that to use,
Wish me luck haha xx

amarmai Wed 04-Nov-15 00:51:18

good luck op. Stick with it and don't slip back into 'noticing'the -ve. it will get easier with practice! Oh and everyone has to be on board all the time!

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