9 year old skipped taekwondo lesson, lied about it: consequence?

[johnwinstonlennon]

he was supposed to be in taekwondo from 5 to 6. the lessons take place at school, after regular classes finish at 4:40. pupils hang out and have some snacks until different lessons -taekwondo, music, fencing, football etc- start. my son chose taekwondo in first grade and after a few lessons didn't want to go anymore. I pressed -he had behavioural issues at the moment, I thought lessons would help- and he started to like it again. then he got bored again and wanted to take music lessons. I thought that was not a good idea and told him to make the best of music lessons during regular school hours.
anyway, I arrived at school today and he wasn't where he was supossed to be. I then found out that he had been to one of the music lessons. I saw him walking from class, carrying a saxophone case and looking relaxed, he didn't look embarrased at all. I asked him why he was not at his class, he made excuses: "I asked mr x where the sabonim -taekwondo teacher-was and he didn't know, he told me to go to music class instead". right...
sorry for the long post!!! my question is: what consequence should there be? I said 2 days without screens -movies or videos, computer games are not permitted during the week- but now I think that's too soft. the most screen time he gets during the week is 1 hour. anyone?
what I find important to stress is how wrong it is to lie.

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

It was a lie made under pressure that you caused though. Why shouldn't he be able to choose music? His choice in first grade was so long ago - if you want him to take a martial arts class too then why not do that outside school when you can encourage and support him? Your punishment seems fine btw.

[NerrSnerr]

I'm assuming the school are fine with him doing music instead? I thought you was going to say that he went to the chippie or something instead! Can you really justify punishing him because he decided to do another after school activity? I don't see what's wrong with it.

[claraschu]

The consequence should be that he gets music lessons instead of tadkwondo, if that's what he wants. Why are you making him do taekwondo and what is wrong with music?

Also, what do screens have to do with it? This is a case for talking about to him about wanting to be able to trust him and for apologising about not listening to him.

[Axekick]

not sure there should be consquence.

He told you, he didn't want to go. He is 9. Kids lie, especially when out in the spot or being forced to do something they don't want to do.

He expressed that he didn't want to continue. Personally I think you should have listened.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Let him do music! It's not like he wants to swap martial arts for sniffing glue and drinking cider is it?

I think the punishment is enough, since he did try and tell you he was unhappy in his activity, buy he did lie, so guess you had to do something about that.

[redcaryellowcar]

I'm with pps I think if it's an after school club choice ought to be the Childrens. I'd be delighted that my son(s) had found something that makes them look happy and relaxed.

[IguanaTail]

No point forcing him to do a martial art if he doesn't want to do it.

[Lweji]

I'd hope my son was able to tell me the truth, rather.
I'd let the lie pass this time with a warning, and would reconsider allowing him to do music.
Children should be able to try different things at this age and enjoy themselves.

[azerty]

Yes but kids flit from activity to activity and sometimes need to learn to commit to a decision. In a few weeks he may get bored of music too. I also think that just because a child says he wants to do something, it doesn't mean he automatically should. His take kwondo teacher was probably looking for him. L.p. has probably paid for classes. Maybe there was a waiting list and he has a place that someone would have really wanted. I would be more inclined to go with a consequence of trust - trust has been broken so for a while he is treated as a younger child, checked up on etc. I would also talk about the activities (separate time) and maybe agree to seeing out the term with tar kwondo then trying something else.

[Lweji]

In general I give my son a time frame for commitment to something. As in he should stick at it at least until x time and then if he still wants out, or do sonething else, he can decide freely.

[zoemaguire]

Dear God! Let him play the saxophone! Surely you should be delighted he's showing a strong interest in something? He was a tiny child when he picked taikwondo. Why on earth should he not be allowed to change his mind?

[johnwinstonlennon]

hello! he has no time outside school!

[johnwinstonlennon]

agree. we have already talked about not continuing taekwondo classes after this school year -classes finish in mid december as we are in the southern hemisphere-. I believe there should be some kind of commitment and kids should not always do whatever they want, it's a way of preparing them for adulthood. of course this doesn't have to be too hard, so it's not like I'm going to force him to to taekwondo forever if it makes him miserable. the thing is I have watched him in class -in hiding hahah- and he seemed fine, sometimes even happy. I talked to one teacher today, who is mom to three older boys- and she asked me whether there were any friends of his in taekwondo class. the answer is no, so apparently that's a big deal. she suggested I didn't press him to hard. I have decided that he quit by the end of this school year and to try music lessons next year.

[johnwinstonlennon]

I agree, thank you.

[johnwinstonlennon]

nothing wrong with music, well.. maybe my reluctance has to do with the fact that his father is a talented musician but also a junkie. I met too many musicians back in the day, and let me tell you they are not healthy people. my son inherited his father's musical talent, I'm very afraid he would have also inherited his mental issues...

[madwomanbackintheattic]

But he didn't make the commitment to taekwondo. You did. He asked to do music instead instead, and you forced him into continuing with taekwondo.

It wasn't his choice, nor his commitment. So you are cross because he disobeyed you, not because he made a commitment and then broke it. (And obv lied)

In all honesty, the consequences should just be sitting down carefully, discussing what he actually does want to do, what he doesn't want to do, and then explaining the steps necessary to switch programs if he is certain - the right ways and the wrong ways. He needs to know that you will support him in changing classes if he asks properly (which he already did but you ignored him, incidentally) but that if he makes a decision to switch to music, then he must stay in the class until the next decision point (whenever that is).

And the consequences in your case should be a renewed understanding that the kid does actually need to have input into choosing his own activities, and you don't get to overrule him just because you are the adult and you prefer taekwondo.

[johnwinstonlennon]

thank you all for the suggestions. I wanted to comment on specific posts you made but I think I got this thing wrong, sorry!

[johnwinstonlennon]

I thought martial arts would be good for him, that's why I pressed.

[Keeptrudging]

The unreasonable aspect of this is that you are denying your musical son the opportunity to do something which makes him happy because you're associating music with negative things. He is his own small person, not a clone of hid Dad. I know many musical people who find playing music helps them to destress, and is a source of great pleasure, including the social aspect of playing with others.

There should be a (small) consequence for him not being where he should have been, followed by an open discussion about what he wants to do. A few months doing an activity they don't like can seem like years for a small child.

[claraschu]

This is reminding me of Billy Elliot sneaking off to ballet when he is supposed to do boxing.

Music will not make your son a junkie any more than ballet would make Billy a "poof".

In fact, learning an instrument can make kids more focused, more socially sensitive, more tenacious, better at learning and remembering complex things, more in touch with the past. It is the only art I can think of that challenges you in a way that is physical, mental, social, and spiritual at the same time.

Google some of the research on how learning an instrument can make you smarter- it connects the two sides of the brain in a unique way.

[LynetteScavo]

The consequence should be that your son now does music lessons.


Knowing how to play an instrument will not make him a junkie.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Oh good grief. The links between music and mathematical ability are do to with how the brain works. The links between music and addiction are way more to do with hanging out in bars late at night and the lifestyle of a particular genre of music.

Unless your 9yo skipped taekwondo to grab a hit, I would be celebrating that his interest in music could be helping his brain development, not leading him down a path towards drug abuse.

If he does end up with addiction and mh issues, it will be to do with genetics, not the fact you let him learn to play an instrument.

[madwomanbackintheattic]

My 12yo plays trombone and does karate and ballet. I can categorically state that if she ends up with mh problems, I won't be blaming her extra-curricular activities.

[zoemaguire]

The other point is that as he gets older, if he has a genuine musical drive, he will follow it no matter what you say - as he is already starting to do to the best of his young ability. He'll get smarter in time, more sneaky, and start resenting you more and more for stopping him from following his interest. If you want to drive him towards the more seedy side of music (whatever you conceive that to be!), then making it a forbidden fruit it is about the best possible way to do that.