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Please please reassure me!!!

(15 Posts)
Taler Tue 13-Oct-15 20:06:02

Tonight DH & I are staring controlled crying as we feel it's the only route to go down having ha a period where DD has suddenly gone from being a good sleeper who self settles to one who can't bear it when we leave the room.

No parent enjoys hearing their child scream and cry and I'm no different. I see these other families on the 3 day nanny (and the like) who go trough this too and after about 2-4 days they've more or less nailed it.

Going through it yourself though is so different. Hearing my baby cry and scream in that way and not go to her is by far the most unnatural thing ever!!!

Before I am judged by those who don't agree with this method, last night I had - literally - zero sleep! Nothing. Nada! Not even 10 minutes! The night before that DH had the same. The night before that I managed to get intermittent periods of 15 minutes here, 10 minutes there. Big whoop!!! It's been this way the past few weeks.

The bedtime routine has and still is always the same, bath, Night Garden, story, cuddle and bed. Prior to a few weeks ago she could be put in her cot awake and she's put herself to sleep. Now she just wants to be held, or to hold our hand. If we indulge her, which we have the past few weeks, she falls asleep pretty quick but continuously wakes. On average she wakes around 15 times a night!!! I HONESTLY cannot think what on earth is making her wake all the time.

It is so bloody heart breaking hearing her cry. I basically feel like I'm abandoning her!

To any parents who've tried this method PLEASE tell me it's short lived and that your child hasn't been permanently damaged. Pretty please!

Blankiefan Tue 13-Oct-15 20:27:34

We had a similarish issue when dd was about 18m. She's always been a great sleeper but just stopped settling herself. We did 2 nights of controlled crying and it was sorted. She went pretty easy on us tho!

Occassionally, she'll dip back again but as long as she's not ill we take a pretty hard line. Seems to work - she doesn't hate us!

My view is that it's best for her that both she and we are well rested. It's the tough bit of parenting tho - like holding them down to brush their teeth.

Good luck.

CultureSucksDownWords Tue 13-Oct-15 20:29:12

How old is your DD now Taler?

Presumably you've done all the obvious like checking the room temp, lighting (too dark? Too light?), pain - could she be teething (depending on how old)?

Blankiefan Tue 13-Oct-15 20:29:19

PS I assume you've read up and have got the technique down? You don't not go to her - you do go knot her, just with lengthening gaps. Otherwise it's CIO (Cry it Out) which is the tough bigger brother to controlled crying!

Taler Tue 13-Oct-15 20:39:13

DD is 23 months. And yes it is controlled crying with lengthening gaps.

Tried to feel for molars but can't. But do believe she is teething as she's been dribbling and sort of biting down. Doesn't seem to bother her though. Plus she has had calpol and nurofen most nights which should help and certainly not make her wake as frequently as she has been.

I think she is showin signs of separation anxiety, which is where the whole controlled crying REALLY doesn't remotely sit well with me.

DD is now asleep after about half hour of controlled crying. Do I feel pleased? Not remotely! I fear I have damaged her sad

Just REALLY hoping she doesn't wake loads again as she soooooo needs sleep!

Blankiefan Tue 13-Oct-15 20:50:25

Try to make it as easy on yourself as possible. It doesn't change things for DD if you suffer more! Don't beat yourself up about it.

You've made the decision to do it - if you don't follow thru you've put dd thru the start of it for nothing. So make it do-able for you - it's the best thing for her (if that makes sense).

If she does wake in the night, allow yourself to be comfy / warm between checks. No one wins from you shivering outside her bedroom door - get back to bed and try to at least relax until it's time to go back in.

BrightonMum36 Wed 14-Oct-15 07:38:24

I completely support you and this. Its vital to teach kids to self settle and to sleep through. They won't thank you if you don't provide them with these tools when they're older and yes it only takes a few nights. Far better than years of the entire house being exhausted and family life miserable for everyone. I let my child CIO for two nights in a row and she's slept 12 hours a night solidly ever since. She's three now and we've had a wonderful time. Conversely my friend has never let her child cry and they've had years of 5 times-a-night night wakings. She's constantly miserable, ill, her marriage is at breaking point and her child is miserable and tired all the time. She's hated every minute of parenthood because of it.
Could you really say I'm the one who's permanently damaged my child for those two nights in her life when she cried versus my friend who's entire family life is being ripped apart through sleep deprivation? I would do it again in a heart beat with my next child!

Taler Wed 14-Oct-15 08:01:57

Brightonmum36 that is sooooo reassuring to hear!!

So DH went through the night with DD last night (I was in the spare room to catch up from previous night). DH said this morning that DD did cry out about 4 times through the night (not as bad as previous nights) and wanted her dummy.

This is where I am conflicted to know what to do for my turn tonight as don't wanna deprive her of her dummy (surely one thing at a time no?!?) and if it's fallen on the floor she won't b able 2 get it.

cedricsneer Wed 14-Oct-15 08:08:57

Brightonmum, I find your advice pretty irresponsible tbh. Have a look at some research around attachment theory - it is robust, and I think you will find that the research around "self-settling" to be bollocks. You did what you chose to do but I think that advocating cio is pretty bad.

Op, I'm not a fan of controlled crying, but at 23 months I will not judge you. I'm sorry to come on to your thread with negativity, but I can't let it go when someone on a parenting site is advocating cio (I have professional experience in this field btw).

BeautifulLiar Wed 14-Oct-15 08:13:04

Taler I think you're doing the right thing. I think you've done seriously well to get to 23 months like this! I've used CC before and will again if I need to. My DC are fantastic sleepers and have always enjoyed going to bed.

Taler Wed 14-Oct-15 08:18:27

I'd be interested to know your professional experience.

And thank you for not judging. Parenting is - by far - THE single most hardest thing I have ever done (and I'm sure for everyone else too). I research things all the time. Speak to other mums who, IMO, are often the best people for advice (unless proper medical advice is sought in which case I only rely on the NHS website and advice from my GP).

I make my DD home cooked meals all the time, spend plenty of quality time with her, kiss and cuddle her as often as she'll allow me and she knows she is loved.

I worry about the controlled crying as I think I said because I don't want her feeling 'abandoned'. But I strongly believe it is important for them to know how to self-soothe.

If there were one 'right' way to handle these things then it'd be written in a manual which, for me personally, I'd buy in a heartbeat as I've often jested that after delivering my DD I then waited for her 'manual' to come out!!!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 14-Oct-15 08:24:58

Can i suggest of you are doing this, get rid of the dummy at the same time. ... or you`ll have to do it again.

ffffffedup Wed 14-Oct-15 08:30:57

Nooo don't get rid of the dummy yet one thing at a time she's still very young plenty of time to get rid of the dummy

Strawberrybubblegum Sat 17-Oct-15 20:19:27

I think it's fine to give her back her dummy. If it's fallen out when she wasn't crying, then just go in and give it to her without touching her. If she's mid-crying I'd probably wait until the next time going in so as not to break the pattern. It will only be a few minutes - is it 5 mins max at a time for controlled crying, I can't remember? (we never made it past 3,but we started low at 1 minute and went up in 30sec intervals). If she's deliberately throwing it to get you in, I'd wait your 'start' time before going in.

A couple of other key things which are important in the technique:
1. Make sure your intervals are ALWAYS increasing, up to the maximum amount, then stay level. If you go up and down, then it changes to an 'inconsistent reward' which is the best way of reinforcing the crying behaviour
2. When you go in, just use your voice to calm your DD. Don't touch her, since that is enough reward for her to continue.
3. Stay only for a short time, enough to say a few calming things. Maybe 30 secs. Then go back out and continue, even if she's still crying.

Good luck, it will get better. And as pp have said, you've started now, so you really need to continue - otherwise what you've already done is for nothing, and it will be harder next time.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Sat 17-Oct-15 23:25:31

If she wakes up for her dummy, the dummy is the issue.

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