Will moving to another country traumatise my children?

[ANNIE1]

I've 2 DD's aged 3 and 4 and we're thinking of moving abroad-mainly for a better standard and quality of life. But even though I know that in the long run if we do move it will benefit us all, I'm so worried about the effect it might have on DD's. I worry about them having to start a new school at the same time as moving. It will also mean moving away from family. The language will be the same although they will have different accents so I'm also worried that DD's will be picked on because of this (as you can tell I worry alot!) Has anyone else moved and how have the children adapted? Thanks.

[Nutcracker]

I haven't moved but would of thought that at 3 and 4 it would be alot easier to move them now than when they are alot older.

[Tinker]

I haven't ever moved abroad with children but would have thought they were the perfect ages to go. They'll start school with the other kids, there accents will be considered cute at first but they'll certainly disappear very quickly.

Certainly better to go now than when they are at school.

[collision]

Hello

We moved to Italy when ds was 11months......it is the best thing we ever did. He has so much more freedom now then he would have had in London. He is bi-lingual which is amazing. It does help that dh is Italian so he talks a lot to him in Italian. Children adapt much better than adults and I am sure they will be fine and happier in the long run if you are happier.

Now that ds is 2 though, I do miss family and the fact that he would be able to see his cousins more if we lived in the UK but we do go to the UK a few times a year and we are not far away if they want to visit.

Go for it.......where are you thinking of moving too? If you want any more info feel free to contact me.

[LIZS]

We moved with ds just 3. It took a while for him to settle, partly because his sister arrived shortly after, and the first 6 months after the move he behaved less predictably but did settle eventually and we extended our stay from one year to 3 (so far!). For ds keeping in contact with friends and relatives, and visiting them, was important.

If you plan to stay long term and are prepared to put in a bit of effort to integrate then at this age it should work out fine. We have a language barrier to deal with but unless you are planning on settling somewhere very insular a different accent should be fine. They will probably adapt it quite quickly to however words are pronounced around them . Don't overlook the impact of the move on yourself though. It will take some effort on your part to make it work and especially if it is a change of lifestyle for you.

good luck

[ANNIE1]

Hi, thanks for messages. Forgot to say that DD's are now 3 and 4, we wouldn't move for a while so they would probably be 4 and 5. DD1 is at nursery and she's due to start reception in Jan and DD2 will start nursery in Jan. So they'll be pulled out to go to another. Do you think that will make difference?

Collision - did you know anyone in Italy when you moved? Cos I won't know anyone and I won't really be in a position to work to be able to meet people. And have you got friends now? Sorry to be nosy!!

[collision]

Hi Annie.....no, we didnt know a soul and we live in a village of only 120 people. However, having a child makes people friendlier and ds loves to chat to people. I was very lucky though as there are 2 English ladies with children who live down the road and we all get on brilliantly. I look after the children from time to time and they do things for me too.

The language is a prob for me as I dont speak Italian although I am on a course and meet people there. Where are you wanting to move to as there are some places that I think are easier to move to than others? There are lots of MNs who live abroad so you should have lots of info soon.

[Piffleoffagus]

I moved from NZ to Uk when ds was 3.5 and it was a piece of cake, he adpated far far quicker than I did! If it's Oz or Nz you're thinking of, their accents will be kudos not a liability.
My parents also took me from UK to Nz when I was 4 and my brother was 3 and we still think of NZ as home. We were never teased at all and adopted a kiwi accent in under 5 months and have never lost it!
With regard to the US as well, my dh went to school out there aged 9 and the girls loved his accent which made the other US boys a bit jealous...
LOL where are thinking of going?

[sibble]

Hi Annie1
We moved to NZ 18 months ago when DS was 2.5. I won't deny that initially it was hard for us all, DS cried daily for his nanny and grandad, he kept asking to go home and I don't think I helped becasue I was desperately homesick and cried alot. I didn't know anybody either and wasn't in a position to work. BUT we joined every playgroup going (we were like groupies) until we found one we liked. I enrolled DS at nursery 3 days/week and invited his friends and their parents over. We enrolled him in little clubs. All so we could meet people and get out the house. DS still asks for his grandparents but we speak with them at least twice a week on teh phone - we can't get webcam as we are in a rural area but I would really recommend that and something like msn messenger to keep in touch with your friends. Arrange visits home if you can afford it.
The short term was very hard but after a few months DS had made a huge new set of friends settled into a nursery with facilities we could only dream of at home, he has a lifestyle we could never have afforded in the UK. So I would say the initial upset and hardship was worth it.
I also think we would have also felt the same had we moved to the North of England or Wales for example as the biggest hurdle was adjusting to being without family and friends.
BTW where are you thinking of going?
PS they think his english accent is cute!!!

[Caribbeanqueen]

We moved back to the UK a couple of months ago with dd, who was 11 months. Apart from the weather being completely crap and her looking out miserably from under her hats, she seems to have adapted quite well. Not sure about me though! Like sibble, we have joined, or are in the process of joining, loads of groups and activities and hopefully we will both make new friends very soon. It's a totally different lifestyle, but at dd's age, she is very adaptable and seems perfectly happy.

[ANNIE1]

We are thinking of going to Northern Ireland, financially we would be so much better off if we moved there. And it's not that far that I couldn't pop back every so often. DH is N.Irish so he has some family there (even though they are a bit strange!!) but he also has friends there and I can just imagine what it will be like when he wants to go out and I can't because I don't know anyone. I don't actually go out much here but at least I know that I could if I wanted to

[collision]

I am sure you will be absolutely fine. You will have no prob with the language and I am sure there will be loads of groups you could join or ask to help at the school or do some classes yourself.

Where we live there is nothing....no classes or groups or anything so it is much harder but we just get on with it and we are so much happier as a family and DH spends so much time with ds.

[susanmt]

I think that kind of move isn't really going to another country, though N.Ireland is very different culturally to the rest of the UK. It's interesting that your husband is happy to go back as mine is frem Belfast and he says NEVER EVER in a million years would he go back to Northern Ireland, so I always find it interesting to find people who want to go there. Whereabouts would you be moving to?

[oxocube]

Annie, we moved to Switzerland with our ds (then 18 months) about 7 years ago and dd was born there. There were no problems at all for the children who went to French speaking nursery and by the time we left Switzerland in 2001, they were fluent in French. We then moved to Holland where the kids quickly picked up lots of Dutch (a horrible language to learn and I still struggle with the basics) and ds 2, born here, goes 2 morning a week to a Dutch nursery school. The 2 older kids are now in an International school where the teaching is in English but they can at least speak Dutch and are not worried about playing with the local Dutch speaking kids. I think kids are so adaptable that they adapt much quicker than we do. As you say, they will at least speak the same language.

I'm sure making friends will be no problem, esp with kids at school. You will be meeting other mums every day at the school gates and are bound to get on with some of them. Best of luck and go for it

[ANNIE1]

Thanks for your messages, at least I know that loads of others have done it and have all survived.
Susanmt-I do know what you meant about N Ireland not being abroad, but for me it is (and it is another country!!). I think I would feel like this where ever we thought of going whether it was somewhere else in England or Australia. But maybe when I said abroad everyone thought I meant somewhere exotic-sorry!
He's from Ballymena, though his father is from Belfast. I must say that we are not thinking of living in Ballymena. Why doesn't your DH ever want to move back?

[susanmt]

Annie - I suppose I do know what you mean about N Ireland being a foreign country - it's certainly culturally very different to Scotland. I suppose I meant in terms of language, education, health etc, it is the same as most other places in the UK.

My dh would never go back partly because of the troubles - its not the violence its the parochial attitudes that it brings with it. And partly because he says its a totally introverted society and not the sort of place he would want his kids to grow up. Plus, wonderful as she can be, we couldn't live that close to his mother!! Belfast might just about be OK. I wouldn't want to live in Ballymena either (apologies to anyone from Ballymena on MN!!)

[Rhubarb]

Hey, we're moving to France with our two (3 and 5 months)! I'm not too worried as I think our dd (3) will adapt very quickly, and our ds will not know any different. They'll probably find it all a lot easier than we will! At this age their friends come and go anyway, they have a different best friend every week! It's only when they get a bit older that it might become more of a problem, but yours are at exactly the right age!
Good luck!

[ghengis]

Annie, we are moving from Devon to Dublin at the end of the year (Englis DH, DS 11 and DD 3). I am from Dublin and DH and the children love visiting because of the laid back way of life. People there use work to fund their social lives and we will all benefit from the family support network.

I know what you mean about the accent thing but DS lands in Dublin airport with an English accent and has adopted a Dublin-ish accent by passport control! Kids are survivors!

[aloha]

Annie1 - I'm sure the children will be fine - at that age children don't notice accents really and they'll have a 'new' accent within days of arrival probably anyway.
We could never move abroad because dh's daughter lives here, even if we wanted to, but also my mum is very close to my ds. Are you close to your family? Is dh close to his? Presumably you would see very little of them if you moved. How do you feel about that?

Rhubarb! So you finally made the decision! What are your plans?

[aloha]

Sorry Annie1 - missed your subsequent messages assumed you meant Canada or S Africa or Aus! N Ireland isn't abroad! I can't see any problems with that if you all want to go. I'm sure your dds with thrive.

[ghengis]

Annie, I sense that it is you who are worried about moving to NI, not how your kids will fit in. Am I right?

Have you visited recently? If not, it would be worth going over and taking some time to imagine what it would be like to actually live there. If you are still uncomfortable then I really don't think you should go.

Sorry to be so blunt but it is a huge thing to do, whether you are moving to NI or Oz. I really feel for you and hope you make the right decision.

xxx

[taramac]

Annie I am living in NI and my parents (originally from here) brought us here when I was 14. So I was at school here with a britsh publich school accent!! I lived in London for a bit but have now ended up back here with my partner (who I met at school) and have had 2 sons. Tbh though I am planning to leave in the next couple of years once my partner has finished his MBA. Whilst NI has lots of good points I just feel it is not the best place for my sons. I agreed with an earlier post by susanmt - there is an attituade/atmosphere here that I think is a legacy of the troubles. Personally as an unchristened/atheist I find the religious thing here a constant thing too which I really dont want for my sons. I grew up overseas moving every few years and whilst I like the stability of staying here for my children (family around) I want more for them. I also find that for all my partners broad mindedness there is something that stays with him from the culture in which he was raised that affects the way he views things/people here despite his best intentions. You may find your dh changes when he is back here and surrounded by this culture again.I know this might not help in that its not a very positive opinion and I know I was older than your children so they will adapt much more easily - just a viewpoint that might help on what it may be like living here but it is completely personal to me!

[ANNIE1]

Have been away so couldn't reply before, thanks for the messages. I am very close to my family so its hard to think of not being near them, but that said I have my own family now and I have to think of us and our lives (blah blah!) I am a bit cocncerned about the culture/attitude over there, but my DH says that the situation is probably better now than it has been for a while and that the majority of people just want to live their lives though I think he would say that and I also think that he has a somewhat rosy memory of NI, forgetting the reasons he left in the first place. I'm concerned about taking DD1 out of school as she had a problem settling and her teachers say that she isn't really mixing with the other children although she does like being there once sha's there. I'm worried that if I uproot her it will set her back a bit.
I kjnow most people will say that they're young and they'll adapt which is true but it is unsettling for them and you have to take into consideration their personalities.
Taramac- what do you mean by DH changing? Curious because I've only ever known him over here.
It's also got to do with the financial position we would be in if we went over there, here we are more or less suck-bought a house and would like/need somewhere bigger and in better area but can't afford to do it here without getting into loads (more) debt. And regardless of whats going on in NI, it has to a million times better than raising children where we live at the mo (though please don't ask where I live!)