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Why is she lying?

(5 Posts)
ostrichneck Tue 08-Sep-15 14:14:12

I think I may know the answer to that part but more so, what can I do to stop her?

My DD is 11yo and in her final year of primary school. Her dad and I have not been together for 9 years and have no relationship as such. Part of the reason we split was his obsessive lying. Not always to me I should add, it's the kind of lying to impress people/exaggerate situations. For example - if he would be relaying a story to friends when we were together about a night out we had - I would be a bit hmm at some of the enhancements he added.

I am starting to notice this trait in my DD. She can start off telling me a fairly truthful story about her day at school but the moment she starts enhancing it - I can absolutely tell. Something unrealistic that a teacher may say or a friend may have done. When I confront her about it, it will be a lengthy denial before she admits she is not being truthful.

She also lies when she thinks she is protecting her fathers lies. Recently she came home and told me that her father had arranged for her favourite celebrity to come to her school and perform in front of the school for her. When I had to bring her back to earth and gently tell her that this would not be possible as there is no way in this earth that her father would have any connection with this man, she told me that he knows he was telling the truth because she saw her dad play football with this celebrity. Finally this was revealed as a lie and she just didn't want me to think that daddy was a liar. I know that I need to deal with the father about his lying to her - I mean, imagine she went into high school and told the kids at school this? She will be the liar, get bullied and have no friends. It is not only me that she will tell these 'stories' to and i almost die of embarrassment when i know she is doing it when talking to other people. But my issue and question from this thread is how do I stop this trait of lying?

We have been through every motion and emotion with it. We have sat and talked gently, I have explained to her the story of the boy who cried wolf, I have shouted (I can count the number of times I have shouted at her on one hand as this is not my parenting technique) - I even confess to having cried in front of her because it has upset me so much. I cannot abide liars and it is an absolutely disgusting trait that I just will not have in my house, especially when there is no need. I understand sometimes masking the truth to protect somebody sometimes and I understand little white lies if there is a particular reason. I am by no means perfect but I just cant tolerate lying.

What do I do?

ostrichneck Tue 08-Sep-15 14:29:41

I must add that other than this problem, she is a very well rounded child - no other behavioural issues, very intelligent, teachers cannot compliment her enough and she is polite and courteous.

A little back chat now and then, but I expect that from a pre teen.

ALittleFaith Thu 10-Sep-15 07:05:31

Gosh that's a tricky one. There was a girl at my school who did this. We knew she was lying but eventually called her out. Life was easier when she admitted she was lying. She lied to get attention.

If you know the trigger point, have you tried saying something like 'You've switched to making it up, I know it's not true' and just not entertaining her after that? Just thinking without an audience it might break the habit?

ostrichneck Thu 10-Sep-15 10:49:08

HI Alittlefaith - thanks for replying. I also posted this in AIBU for some traffic and your advice was also given on there. I am going to try my best with the not acknowledging that I know she is not telling the truth and stopping listening to her. We did have a chat on the evening that I posted this as we had a row in the car that morning. I apologised for shouting but told her how her friends would feel if they found out she was telling stories. I have told her from now on we will not fight about her lying, I will simply refuse to engage with it. She agreed that she will stick to the truth and I will stick with my intended actions.

thank you again flowers

ALittleFaith Thu 10-Sep-15 11:15:59

You're welcome. I'd suspect your ex is a 'compulsive liar' and she's just picked it up from spending time with him. I hope by ignoring the lies she gets out of the habit of it.

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