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Mother with chronic pain having trouble with one year olds behaviour

(4 Posts)
Chuf Tue 08-Sep-15 13:47:12

Hi hope you can help. Due to childbirth I developed a chronic pelvic pain condition. At the start it was so severe I was never my sons main caregiver and meds meant I was drowsy at night so couldn't do the nights (stopped bfeeding), I became housebound and depressed. I was devastated and medics/physio could not help that that much. Over time, better meds, better coping skills, less pain on lifting, and slowly becoming more active I am fully back in his life apart from my frequent medical appointments. However my pelvic floor is dysfunctional and this has affected my external pelvis making it unstable giving me lower back pain and sciatica. I try and keep active and am seeing a new good physio who is helping. I have had nerve blocks, drug infusions etc with some help. I am more accepting of the situation and with the support of a nanny I am fully involved in my sons care. He is now a 1 yr old and it has been a turbulent year for him being passed from caregiver to caregiver but he is doing well. The reason I am giving all this back info is to give context to my question. My sons mood changes like the wind, happy one minute and moody the next. He has learnt to point recently and he loves getting one of us to pick him up so that he can point at things and we take him to them. It was fun at first but now he is so persistent that if you don't do it full blown crying ensues-now this sets off my guilt++ for all the times he was crying as a young baby and I wasn't there -so I give in. He wants to be lifted up all day And this is v hard on my back/pelvis and my recovery. Also I get exhausted easy as I am generally deconditioned from all I have been through. And pain still severe at times. I explain to him that I can't lift him up and why and try to engage him in a toy but that doesn't work and he tries to use me as a ladder :-) part of me feels he is just exploring and learning about his environment and to go with it, but another part feels it's too much to manage on my own (guilt again). There does not seem to be consistency between my partner (who will happily just plonk him on ground and leave him cry until he stops), nanny who also endulge him a bit like me and my parents. I just don't know if he is too young for all the discipline advice they give in the toddler books? It's not just me lifting him up there are other things that make him really bawl if u stop him (or make him want it more)-like he wants the remote to turn the TV on, he wants to get out the door if someone just left, we have open plan kitchen living room and he wants to play with oven knobs and anything else dangerous in kitchen (have tried our best to safety proof it as much as poss). It's impossible to make food for him as he is constantly wanting attention and to be picked up, so I try do some finger foods quickly so he can sit having that and I can make whatever else he needs. He loves throwing food on floor, and if I put my hand under to catch it, he will move his hand so that it drops straight on floor. Beaker always on floor. The up and down not easy for me. Ahh! I feel like this is only gonna get worse as he gets older. What do u think would be best way to proceed given my condition? Thanks xxx

Chuf Tue 08-Sep-15 13:47:59

Hi sorry it's a long post -story of my life at the moment! Thanks for your help xx

MintSource Tue 08-Sep-15 14:28:16

I have a one-year-old and ALL the things you describe sound completely familiar and normal apart from him not being able to entertain himself with toys even while you prepare his food.

We can see what looks like a tantrum sometimes if we take something away that is dangerous or stop him leaving the room and we just ignore but when it's more frustration with his own lack of ability to communicate, I do pick up and engage.

I do let him explore the kitchen when I am in there but keep a close eye. I give him the remote (if I am not watching) and the phone as he gets things out of his system after a while and stops wanting them. He also wants to climb everything, including us. Food also goes on the floor when he is not hungry so i just take it away. He likes sprinkling water from his sippy cup over things but once I resisted the urge to stop him, he soon got bored. So long as he's not about to stick his tongue in a plug socket or fall off something, I try to let him explore.

As is said so often on here, just pick your battles.

I cannot imagine how painful it must be with all the ups and downs. My only advice would be to rely on childcare as much as you can right now and rest up.

Chuf Wed 09-Sep-15 15:39:08

Hi mintsource, thanks for your reply, I agree his behaviour is normal but what I am looking for are novel ways to manage it in a way that does not put a lot of strain on me because of the pelvic and back pain. The constant wanting to be lifted up is the hardest. Sometimes he can be distracted sometimes not. I know consistency is needed and our nanny will be leaving soon (too much cost) and I need to be able to do all this on my own as I am not fit enough to return to my super stressful long hours job. I think I do need to get better at ignoring him when it's just frustration I agree with you there xx

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