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3yo pushing his dad away

(10 Posts)
PenelopeChipShop Mon 10-Aug-15 08:54:44

I've been struggling with this for a while and could do with some opinions. Our DS, just turned 3, has been doing this for months and it's gone beyond the point where I can believe it's 'just a phase'. He hugely prefers me to DH and is really starting to act out his dislike /disapproval towards him.

Even first thing in the morning he'll say 'I don't want daddy' as if warning him not to come near him (not that he would, I always get up with DS anyway!) or 'daddy you stay in bed, I will go downstairs with mummy.' When he hears DH come down he'll tell him to go away or even hit him.
He won't let him put him to bed unless I'm actually out of the house (on occasion i've even gone out the front door when I had nowhere to go and just sneaked back in when they were upstairs in order to let DH do bedtime, or it just isn't possible.)
I think to a certain extent this is normal but it's been going on for ages.
DH works very long hours and doesn't see as much of him as I do (though I work too, but always get back for bedtime) but we have tried to tackle this by having him work at home 2 days a week in order to do nursery runs and make his dinner. Even this doesn't seem to have helped, he just accepts DH when he has to as a sort of poor second.
Anyone been through this and what did you do about it? It's really getting us down and DH takes it personally and seems to withdraw even more so it's perpetuating the situation.

CatsRule Mon 10-Aug-15 17:44:09

My ds, also 3, is sometimes really horrible to dh. Not always, but a lot of the time ds pushes him away and only wants me. He (ds) hits him, shouts at him and blames him even when he isn't there! e.g. if I give ds into trouble he will throw himself on the floor, say Daddy pushed me, I no like Daddy etc. and sometimes dh isn't even there at the time! He tends to be ok with dh when I'm not there and when dh not there he always wants himhmm . Then he can be really lovely and kissing and cuddling dh saying I love you Daddy.

He is 3 and rarely knows what he wants! And when he does it's usually the opposite of what he has!

I don't really have any advice just that we're going through the same and it's tough on dh.

PenelopeChipShop Mon 10-Aug-15 18:27:52

Argh thanks for the solidarity, though sorry you have the same situation.

It's a good point that 3 year olds don't always know what they want anyway. Mine also does very contrary behaviour and over really random things like something he has asked for and then doesn't want.

I guess I just wonder how long this kind of thing can go on! I do feel for DH, I would be heart broken if it was the other way around, although I also wouldn't show it.

DuckWaddle Mon 10-Aug-15 22:45:42

We're going through the same here and have been for a while too! Out dd is 2y10 months. It's so sad for dh who tries so hard and also tiring for me!
If you find the answer please let me know!!

Hardtoknow Tue 11-Aug-15 20:33:30

3.3yo DS is like this and has been for a few months. If I'm not here, Daddy is absolutely fine but, if I'm here I have to be the one who does everything which gets tedious. DD was exactly the same at a similar age and is now fine with either of us.

Gottagetmoving Wed 12-Aug-15 12:15:04

Are you letting your DS dictate who does what? He has to learn you are both his parents so you should not give in to him always wanting you or to him hitting his Dad.
If you are always too available for your son he will expect you to do everything. Can your DS spend more time with him while you do other things?
If you give in when he demands you and not his Dad then you are letting him think it is ok.

bberry Wed 12-Aug-15 12:43:48

Gosh, that sounds tough on you both, the rejection for your dh and you doing all the care!

Dd1 had this mildly and I would just leave the room or say, no, daddy's taking you to bed and that's what would happen, I think dh needs to learn how to manage her behaviour auch as I do....

But I appreciate your situation is rather more...

MrsOs Thu 13-Aug-15 12:49:37

My DS is 2.5 and we have had this sort of thing for a long time. If i'm around he doesn't want to know his dad but if i'm not around he is fine with daddy.. His dad takes him to nursery, brings him home, feeds him but as soon as I come through the door its mummy mummy mummy... everything. DS does love football so his daddy plays in the garden with him and takes him to football club.. so they are doing things together now. But it does upset my dh that he can become surplus to requirements so quickly 'he often says, I was fine to do this or that when mummy wasn't here'.. We try not giving in to him but sometimes the tears are so much it is just easier for me to do whatever it is.. I keep telling dh that it is a phase and it will pass. There will be a time when it's all daddy daddy and then he might finally realise how bloomin exhausting it is.. lol

Gottagetmoving Thu 13-Aug-15 13:32:28

We try not giving in to him but sometimes the tears are so much it is just easier for me to do whatever it is

That is exactly why the problem will continue. It is only easier for you at that particular time but it guarantees there will be lots more times, and more times you feel you have to do what your DS wants.
Your DS KNOWS that tears will eventually make you give in. The crying will not harm him at all. You are more bothered than he is!

MrsOs Thu 13-Aug-15 21:34:05

Point taken..

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