3 YO..... Helping her to 'let it go?!'

[GailTheGoldfish]

Hi all, any advice regarding my just 3yo DD would be hugely appreciated. Her pre school have been encouraging her to speak up when another child pushes her or takes something she has, which is great, but it seems to have spilled over into how she communicates after she has been told not to do something. A typical example is that she is told off and then says, "What did you say to me? That wasn't very nice, was it? Don't say that to me. Stop it" etc, sometimes becoming angry, but it goes on for ages. Even when it seems to have died down, an hour later she will start again with, "Why did you tell me off? That wasn't very nice, was it?". It's only happening at home but I'd like to deal with it before she starts doing it at school.

I have tried simple explanations of why her behaviour was wrong and warranted a telling off and also how we need to move on and not "back chat" but it's not working. Seems to me she is genuinely seeking an answer but I don't know how to give one that satisfies her. I don't want to resort to cutting her off or putting her in her room or anything.

Any suggestions how I can manage this using communication rather than time out?

[purplemurple1]

Have you had any pre emptive conversations when she is calm about behaviour and discipline? She tells teachers another child is mean so they can be disciplined and that is what you are doing to her so its only fair.

[Marchhairy]

No advice but my 3 year old is just the same! I explained about traffic lights the other day- now he shouts at me at every amber.
If he gets something wrong you can't correct him- he's always right! Yes carpets are called car-mats!
The only way to get through the day is laugh!

[GailTheGoldfish]

Oh Marchhairy, yes you do have to laugh (until they go to bed and you can open the wine!).

Purple, no I haven't and that's a good point. She is smart and understands but of course when the red mist descends on her any talking is pointless. A good idea to have a chat along the lines of, 'you get upset when x hits you and tell me about it, mummy gets upset the same when you hit me and that's why I tell you to stop'. Thanks.

[purplemurple1]

Your welcome now can you tell me how I get my non verbal two yr old to stop hugging (squeezing) all babies including gis little sis until they cry!

[tobysmum77]

I just think chill she's 3 and sounds very like my resistant dd who is the same age.

I'm not convinced she really needed that assertiveness training though .

[GailTheGoldfish]

Yeah, the grudge..... DH is expecting to find a severed My Little Pony head in his bed after he told her off last night!

[DeeWe]

I would just respond with something along the lines of "I told you off because you did X which isn't very nice, so you needed to stop/apologise/learn it was wrong." and refuse to discuss any more.

She's not asking you because she wants to know, she's asking you because she is effectively trying to tell you off. So there is no value in discussing it.
Once I have given a reasonable answer to a question like that I will not discuss further unless they have something else to add which is relevent as what they are really after is you saying that they were right and you are wrong.
If they say that they don't know why it wasn't nice, then I'll explain. If they just are trying to say you shouldn't have told them off I will tell them the subject is closed and we aren't talking any more about it.

If she really won't stop asking, and is getting angry then I'd probably go for putting her into time out so she can calm down and see if she can answer the question herself.
Not so much as a punishment but more because she'l be winding herself up into a temper by constantly asking, and getting her to think why her action was wrong is much more effective than you telling her.

[GailTheGoldfish]

That's brilliant, thanks Deewe. You're right that she's trying to turn it back to us being wrong, I hadn't thought of it like that but it makes sense. So its for me to close the subject. Ta everyone