Issues with 5 yr old - aggression and anger

[BuddhaBelly]

My 5 yr old DS has recently undergone assessments initially for possible ADHD (which has now been ruled out) but we've been advised he's very complex and it will take awhile for them to decide upon a diagnosis. We were told they thought he had DCD/Dyspraxia and a local organisation has confirmed this and offers him a place to start in their dyspraxia group once a week for term time. So that's the back story, our main problem is his anger and impulse control. He can have a melt down over He will hit himself, call himself an idiot , ask us to hit him etc and we've tried ignoring him, tried talking but he refuses to talk about emotions with us. I've been trying to contact CAMHS very simple things and his anger is getting worse. He threatens to hit (sometimes actually does) he threatens to kill himself and or us and tells us how he would do it

[Hellion7433]

Can you suggest cuddling instead when he wants hitting?

[BuddhaBelly]

Sorry phone added in text at the end! So I've tried contacting CAMHS but not getting anywhere at the moment. Anyone have any advice as my DH and I are really struggling with this self hate

[BuddhaBelly]

Hellion I've tried that but once he starts having a melt down he just can't deal with any kind of emotion, he even struggles to cry and I have to help him to get it out

[Hellion7433]

Can he suggest something he can do instead? A teddy to hold or a safe place to go?

[Hellion7433]

Also look on amazon for parenting books. They have something for everything!

[Hellion7433]

Also write to the head of camhs. Explain the situation and that you are desperate for support but don't seem to be getting help

[ommmward]

Look at the main things stressing him out. Alleviate them as far as humanly possible without making a big deal of it (like, feed him food he likes, in the way he likes; take school out of the equation if need be; get ear defenders to protect him from unexpected noises if that is one of his triggers etc etc).
He will learn so much about how to navigate the world successfully between here and puberty, and it is so so so much easier to learn if you are not stressed.

If there is any possibility of sensory processing disorder or autism in the mix, then my personal experience is that the child thrives much more in a "here's a problem, let's get everyone's emotions safely calmed down whatever it takes" approach rather than a top down adult knows best approach (I found that whole "how to talk so kids will listen" stylee approach really helpful - show you have heard and understood the problem, help to verbalize it if wanted, validate the emotion, then be a comforting presence for the child while you all sit with the situation, and they see if they can extricate themselves, and you think about whether the thing they seem to need is really so outrageous). He may well not associate his"bad" behaviour with the "reward" of getting what he wanted - if he does have autistic spectrum tendencies, he may not make that connection in a manipulative way, because of living so fully in the present not the past. But I might be generalising from the children I know.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Sounds cruel, can u video a situation, tends to get tje attention you seem to need? Email it to CHAMS.

[BuddhaBelly]

Ommmward, I think there is some ASD tendencies with him, I think I find it hard to differentiate between "giving in" and "supporting him" He also seems very manipulative and controlling but doesn't mean it maliciously if that makes sense! He is also a very bright, intelligent loving boy who loves kisses and cuddles and can be so funny (hate only listing negative points) Video is a good idea too as when we visit them he's always on his best behaviour.

[ommmward]

It's really hard, this bit, but if you can manage to help him now, by removing as many stress triggers as possible, you will reap the rewards around 10-12 years old, where everyone else's child turns into a pre teen and he remains his straightforward, innocent self.

We have a LOT of complex needs in our home ed group, and so many of the children respond really well to an apprenticeship model. We grown-ups model the behaviour and attitudes that are socially acceptable, and offer a straight"we don't hit our friends. Billy, go and do x cool thing with that other parent to stay safe" and then the violent child has space to calm themselves down with whatever adult support they need (sometimes just keeping everyone else away; sometimes a big hug - depends on their sensory needs). I think it is really crucial to take conventional discipline out of the equation, because this is a social and communication disorder. The child needs to learn, painstakingly and consciously, thousands of things the other children pick up by osmosis. Of course they will get it wrong in the way! Scolding and punishment is like telling off a child with a broken leg for not running fast. You'll get crutches, splint, physio, rehab instead, yk?

The violent behaviour and talk suggests there is a major stress going on. Can he identity it? And also, might there be some inability to name and identify complex emotions? I know adults who only began to identify anger in themselves correctly in their mid 30s... Watch Inside Out!

[BuddhaBelly]

Ommm thank you for your helpful post, it's quite useful hearing of other experiences and different ways to deal with these situations. He definitely has problems expressing or talking about emotions. He's seen Inside Out with my Mum so can't wait to get it on DVD so we can reference it. Currently waiting for our contact at CAMHS to contact me today (won't hold my breath!) ice done the incredible parenting course but tbh it hasn't really helped

[ommmward]

I think that parents of quirky children really have to find their own path, which suits both them and the child(ren) in question. Sometimes, it's a matter of getting really good support from school and CAMHS and whoever else, and sometimes it's a matter of saying "sod the lot of them" and becoming the expert in how to help your own child yourself. Obviously, as a home educator, many of the people I know have gone down that path, sooner or later (but I have other good friends whose quirky children are still in school, some flourishing more than others, some needing tutors to help and various "reasonable adjustments" - there's so much luck of the draw in it all.