In-law question

[Newlywed56]

Will try to keep this concise!, just want some advice really on anyone who maybe has a few problem areas with their inlaws. I really do like my inlaws etc and there was no issues before our baby was born, however since born they seem to constantly need an update , see the baby every weekend (complain if we say no to them when I was sick or we have plans that weekend and they can't really visit etc which has only been twice in 12 weeks!) they live A couple of hours drive away whereas my family live close and see the baby regularly (they don't know just how regularly as I don't want them to feel like they are missing out but my mum sees the baby everyday even if just for 5 mins!) I had an awful birth and was very ill for about 7 weeks after it and have just found it allo be very intense when I was trying to recover so I don't know if it just really upset me then and I am still upset from that or It's ok to feel like this. My husband has been so supportive and really has tried his best to keep them happy without offending but nothing just seems to be enough. Like even when they visit it doesn't seem to be enough they then want to watch her on their own, they have been saying for weeks about us leaving the baby with them and us going out for a couple of hours ( I am ebf so use that as my main excuse) but I just don't feel ready to leave the baby with them as although they have had a few of their own children they just seem to have forgotten how to look after a baby and I don't feel confident having them watch her without me being there as they seem to panic when she cries etc! can just imagine them discussing that I'm overprotective and like hormonal or something anyone any suggestions? Spoke to husband about it and he doesn't think telling them how I feel will work as says it will likely open a can of worms and will hurt their feelings, better to just deal with things as they arise. I do mostly agree with him on this as its nearly been left too long and will hurt their feelings but at the same time doesn't really resolve the issue! I understand they are just both excited grandparents for the first time and want to see her as much as possible I'm just finding it difficult to balance everything

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Your husband is wrong. He...as their son...needs to tell them clearly that they won't be looking after the baby alone at all.

However, having said that...it's not that hard to text a photo or share a snippet of info about her day...in your shoes I would do that just to stop them asking for updates....every other day should suffice and it's not unreasonable (especially given that your own Mum sees the baby daily)

Nor is it unreasonable of them to want to see her on a regular basis....can they not pop up in the week instead of weekends?

[Goldmandra]

I agree with providing lots of text/photo updates.

Maybe I will feel different if I become a grandparent but I don't get this urge they have to get the baby on their own! My mother used to do this to me with DD1 and it drove me insane! I would ask them to watch her while I had a bath but that wasn't good enough. They wanted me out of the house.

Just say no and keep saying it. Try not to justify it because that opens up opportunities for discussion.

The clearly love your DD very much but they need to learn to accept that they can't always see as much of her as they might like. Tying yourself down to a rigid, every weekend, arrangement could make it hard in the future when you want to make other plans. Keep things fairly irregular in informal while trying to make sure they see her lots.

There will be a time when you feel comfortable to leave them with her. They just need to be patient.

[lexyloub]

Yep my MIL is exactly the same she'll engineer situations to her advantage so she's got ds3 all to herself and fil quite frankly gets on my tits he's not a clue how to fit the car seat or put the pram down just keeps banging it about til he manages to fit it in thr car!! In the last few days alone he's attempted to drive off with the car seat fastened in with the seat belt but the baby not strapped into the seat just sat loose in it and he's put my pram down without folding the hood down so now it's all bent. Absolutely furious and I'm meant to leave ds with him when I go back to work!!!

[Nydj]

I think they get nervous when you are there and want to spend a few minutes with baby without you watching how they deal with anything that happens. Would you consider just going upstairs with a cup of tea for half an hour so they have baby but you are nearby if baby gets hungry or really upset without you etc? It is probably hard for you to really understand but your baby is their grandchild as much as it is your mum's grandchild and perhaps if you all learned to just relax a little bit, life could get a lot easier and more pleasant all round?

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I find this idea that grandparents must be allowed to have the baby on their own very odd. Neither set of grandparents of my DS have ever asked to do this, and I can't see why they would want to. They are more than happy to see me and my DS together. They would happily look after DS if I wanted or needed them to (and they have), but wanting to have the baby on their own just for the sake of it would seem to be all about their wants rather than the baby's needs.

OP, don't worry about saying "no thank you" to your in laws. It would be a palaver anyway as your baby is ebf. Sending them daily photos or updates may help to make them feel more involved, and would be a kind thing to do if you feel you can.

[Eva50]

Could you leave the baby with them and go for a nap? Dsis had a baby that thought sleep was for the weak and dm and I used to take turns of visiting whilst her dh was working to either sit holding dn or pushing her out in her pram so that dsis could sleep or get something to eat.

[RunningGingerFreckleyThing]

Like others have said, just a very brief text or email with a photo once a week or every few days would be nice. I know it's a pain in the arse and becomes a bit of a habit but if it means they might relax on the visiting thing, it will be worth it!
The panic when the baby is crying might be that they are worried that it looks like the baby doesn't like them, especially to you, and then you might think that they shouldn't look after her. Or they might be rubbish with babies...
When they mention looking after the baby when you go out, could you say something like, "yeah, don't worry, once I'm ready to leave the baby, I'll let you know, or you're at the top of the list". You might not be ready for months but I think it's the positive spin on it that will placate them.
Like you say, it is a difficult balance but it's only early days really and you'll settle into a way of life that works. Good luck!

[Newlywed56]

Maybe I forgot to mention they already get a daily photo and update lol! Thanks for the advice though think it's just going to have to take time before i feel confident for them to even watch her while I'm in the other room though as I seem to always have to remind them how to hold her properly etc . I can totally empathise with you lempyloub!

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

With all due respect your last post makes me a little because you sound a bit overprotective. I'm sure they can hold a baby correctly.

[Newlywed56]

You really would think that but they don't always support her head properly when changing positions holding her etc, one specific example is I seen them pick her up from under her arms which is fine but then their fingers weren't like pointed towards her head to support it but just wrapped round the back (hopefully I'm describing it right basically the way you would pick a toddler up) she even cried when it happened! So it doesn't exactly fill me with confidence

[CPtart]

Your mum sees your 12 week old baby everyday
Don't you feel suffocated by that? She's worse than your IL's and their attitude is stifling!

[Newlywed56]

Nope I actually find it helpful (she generally also asks if it's ok to call) and we have a great relationship where she wouldn't mind if I said no I'm doing something etc) as she just pops round and is very happy to watch her if I need to jump in the shower, have a cup of tea etc (my baby doesn't sleep much during the day so 10 mins to myself is scarce lol) I also don't have a car so only get out of the house when it's decent weather out walking with the pram so it's nice to have another adult to talk to during the day as my husband is it work all day

[Racheyg]

I think you need to be honest and tell them you are not ready to leave her yet.

In regards to your mum seeing her everyday, it's a little unfair as your in laws are also her grandparents. How would u feel if u had a son and your daughter in law had a similar attitude?

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Rachey, are you suggesting she stops her Mum visiting because it's supposedly unfair? The in laws live 2 hrs drive away, so it's not going to be the same as the Mum who lives nearby. That's not being unfair, it's just a matter of practicalities.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Culture Rachey didn't say that But she's right...it must be hurtful to her inlaws....she's seeing her own mum daily and moaning they want to arrange their own visits. She needs to be friendlier and more accommodating.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Well what else is the implication behind saying it is unfair? The grandparents are in different locations - one round the corner and the other set 2 hrs away. It's also not surprising that a new mother feels more comfortable with her own mother visiting than the in laws. It's not unfair, it's just how it is.

The OP doesn't need to be more accommodating if she doesn't feel like it. It would be kind if she could, but she doesn't have to. No one should be pressurising her into leaving her baby if she doesn't want to either.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Well the implication could be that OP needs to let the inlaws see the baby more often or at least not moan about it. She said that she is annoyed by their always trying to pin her down so they can see the baby every weekend...THEY drive.

OP is not happy about this.

She does need to be more accommodating as the people in question are her husband's parents! Equal to her own.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

She doesn't have to be. It would be kind if she could, but there should not be any obligation. It's up to her and her husband between them to work out what they are happy with. No one should be pressurising or nagging the OP into leaving her baby with the in laws just for their benefit.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

I'm not talking about her leaving the baby alone with them! I never said that.

I said that she should let them see the baby once a week. That's not a lot.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I think it's reasonable to object to a fixed schedule of seeing them every weekend. It means you can never do anything else of a weekend. Plus the previous behaviour of complaining about not being able to visit when the OP was ill is really not on.

[mandy214]

It's difficult. I agree that a new mum often has a different relationship with her own mother than she does with her MIL but I think you're being a bit precious OP. I think they perhaps panic because they can sense your distrust of their parenting skills! They obviously did something right if your DH turned out ok!

I also think it might not be that they want her on her own for the sake of it - they probably think it would help. And it can just be for 10 mins whilst you have a shower, push her round the block for half an hour. That isn't too much to ask I don't think.

As for coming every weekend, as long as they're not there for the full day, or expecting you to wait on them, and provided you haven't got any plans, is it an issue if they come for an hour? If you have plans just tell them.

I think (given that I'm 10 years further on and I can count on one hand the number of times MIL has babysat) it would be lovely to forge a good relationship between your daughter and her grandparents.

[SavoyCabbage]

I don't get all this having the baby on their own carry on. She's not a toy to be shared around. You don't need to let other people have a go of her.

Keep them up to date with little bits of news and photos. This will get easier as the baby gets older and does more things.

[Newlywed56]

We have only said no to their visit twice (we have also drove twice to their house) in the past 12 weeks, I just was trying to explain I would like the odd weekend free with my dh and dd and without feeling guilt tripped they haven't seen her in person in a week even though they get regular pictures and updates ...they don't want to visit during the week cause of the drive which I understand but it means we can't really plan to do much over the weekend as their visits last the whole day! Just to help explain as well I seen my mum just as often when I was pregnant and off work at home and we maybe got one to two phone calls a week from the in laws and a visit about every 7 weeks (I didn't travel far after second trimester as had sever pgp so the car journeys were agony). So it's just kind of went from one extreme to the other

[SavoyCabbage]

Why can't they come in the week because of the drive? Is it busier on the roads do they mean?

It would be better if it was during the week as your u would be in control of it more. They would just have to fit in with what's going on. It's more of an ordinary day. And it wouldn't take up your weekend.

[chippednailvarnish]

Your Inlaws aren't the problem, your DH...