4 year old having terrible tantrums HELP

[birchykel]

Basically what it says in the subject line.
Only thing I can add really is that the last two years have been awful for us as a family in 2013 I was most paralysed my youngest was only almost 2 yrs old. Then last year i lost my dad. My daughter is just 4 now and I know as a family we have struggled with loss and grief. And I am the first person to put my hand up and say that i am not perfect. Me being in hospital changed me, and had an affect on my girl I gave into her so that she would walk nicely say around the shop because I couldn't carry her, push her in a buggy etc. so it kind of went wrong from there. Then losing my dad has changed me again I'm sad a lot and now even if I sneeze and my eyes water my girl will say am I sad cos of grandad. So I am aware it's me that needs to change and try and be a strong mummy and I do know I probably need to be cruel to be kind (although that sounds awful). But I don't know what to do.
She will cry and scream at me if I say no. I'm trying to ignore it. But as soon as she wakes it starts with arguing with her older sister so straight away the day feels negative. It's the constant whining and crying, I hate the sound of my own voice! I want to remain calm.
She behaves like a spoilt brat, in the shop the other day she laid on the floor moaning because I said no to a necklace she wanted. I didn't give in but felt conscience of people looking thinking 'spoilt brat'.
What's so hard is knowing that things may have been different if I hadn't ended up in hospital. I can't change what happened but I really would like to try and have a calmer household but where to start?!
Sorry I managed to ramble on
Thanks in advance for any advice

[PettsWoodParadise]

It is surprising how much 4 year olds can understand. You need to give clear guidelines and then follow through. Don't be too hard on yourself as if you have low self esteem they will pick up on it. Try with rewarding ordinary behaviour with things like going to the park. My DD went through a stage of wanting stuff I couldn't afford. When she screamed that I always said no I said I never say no to a hug and she could have asamt of those she wanted. I also only ever went shopping giving clear expectations of what I needed her to do to help such as get the things of the lower shelves, and that she would not be getting any gifts but I would tell her I would let her choose the apples - diversionary tactics and she felt like she was getting something. I sometimes went home rather than continued with the plan and then showed the consequences of her actions by not having the nice apples she wanted but something else. She learnt cause and effect and very quickly got out of her stroppy phase. You'll get there. Main thing is to communicate and have lots of hugs. X

[birchykel]

Thank you I will keep this is mind.
Yes I think talking and cuddles help. If I give clear instructions of what we are doing and encourage her to help me etc I think eventually it will work.
What do you do at home? Example of yesterday's behaviour: she said to me 'get me a drink' I calmly said speak nicely please and that causes a massive tantrum that lasted for half hour. Once that stopped my eldest went out to play and my little one tried to run out the back gate. I attempted to explain the dangers etc but she just screamed and tried to hit. I do need to have more faith in myself and believe in what I'm doing I guess.

[PettsWoodParadise]

I usually give them the benefit of the doubt that they meant to ask nicely and first give the opportunity to ask again. I am a bit old fashioned to pleased to hear you are a stickler for manners too. If they ask incorrectly again I use my mum's old trick 'and the magic word is...?' If they still refuse then it is learning the consequences, they don't get it. They'll soon discover if you are consistent that it is far easier to be polite. Not saying this is relevant to you but you have to ensure you and your partner are sticklers for saying it too, I had a problem with DH and had to point out we could hardly expect her to be saying please when he often didn't . We also discovered a correlation between red and orange fruit shoots and a dramatic inanity of DD to be nice, they turned her into a devil child. Black current was fine for some reason. I just mention that just in case it is relevant. I am no expert but I am sure things will improve for you.

[birchykel]

Thank you appreciate the advice. I have been thinking about drinks and food she eats. And consistency is definitely the key.
Thanks again