Adult son has no confidence(5 Posts)
I am sorry I'm sure this is not the right part of mn to post this but here goes. My son is 27, yes all grown up. We have always been fairly close over the years although he was not mollycoddled and has his own life. He has a good albeit stressful job friends his own flat and so on. His father died when he was 19 & since then especially he has always felt and behaved as if he were responsible for his sister now 21 & me. Anyway I am really terribly upset. My DD told me she recently spoke to him about relationships. He basically said he has never been in one( I thought he had been just didn't tell me) & the reason why is he has no confidence and cannot imagine any woman being interested in him. It breaks my heart to think of his sadness and to write this. He is good looking I would say very gl ( I know I'm his Mum) kind hearted and has a good circle of friends many of whom have partners now. We did think at one time he might be gay but he is not. DD told me he got a knock back from a girl he asked out recently which really hurt him. He was at a friend's wedding recently and the only one of their circle without a partner which also did nit help. He also told DD he didn't want me to know which saddens me even more. I just don't know what to do.
I can imagine how you feel and it's ever so hard when adult DCs go through something like this as we, as parents, want to protect and make everything alright and we can't.
One of my DCs is a bit of a disaster area relationship wise and I wish she could meet someone nice but it just hasn't happened. The only thing I would say is - just be there for your son, support him when you get the chance, make time to see him a bit more (if he'll let you, without twigging you know how he feels) and maybe just maybe he will turn to you for some advice and you can boost him up a bit.
Out the blue my DD broke down on the phone to me recently and without telling her what to do (which doesn't go down well with her!) I could support her and she knows she isn't on her own and Mum will always be there. It was nothing really serious, just stress etc but she has been a lot brighter since so I think I now know that if things get bad, she will come to me of her own accord.
There is nothing you can do at the moment, except making sure he knows Mum is there whatever happens. It is good though that he has a circle of friends and he isn't on his own and it's great he has his sister supporting him. Adult children often don't want to worry their parents...
It is true he would not want to worry me as he is a very kind and caring person. He does not have that close a relationship with his sister and in some ways has been looking to move on and be as independent as possible. He lives abroad now, in Brussels and has retained friends here at home where he worked for a few years beforehand. I hope btw your daughter meets someone nice she sounds lovely
When one is young, you assume by the time you are 25, or 30, or 35 that you will feel 'really grown up', but it is impossible to control many things in life; you have to make the best of what you have, live an honest, (reasonably) responsible sort of life, and have respect for people close to you, or who try to help you.
It is probably impossible for a younger person to appreciate how their parents feel about them, until such time as they are parents themselves. I once had a very sensible landlady, in whose house I lived for ten years, and she always said: "Count your blessings." Regarding marriage she also said: "Somewhere, there is a lid for every pot."
I (a male) also had no serious relationship until I was 30, though I did take plenty of girls out on 'dates', but not really sexual encounters. You cannot 'make' love happen.
So, at least he has a job, and friends, which is a lot more than some people his age have. Maybe, one day, if it is meant to 'happen', then it will happen, and after all, 27 is hardly old!
At age 27 I would have been similar to your son - no real relationships... Met my now dh when I was 27. And unlike your son I didn't have a lot of friends.
Looking back I felt really odd - I thought I was the only one that was single. I didn't really use the internet then but I think that would have been really helpful to go onto forums like this one and talk to people in similar situations.
He really is very young. The fact that he maintains friendships even when he is away is a very good thing. And that he has the confidence to live abroad is also great. He is holding down a stressful job in a different country. And you can take comfort from the fact that he can confide in his sister - he sounds like a nice brother.
I don't think you can 'do' anything except continue being a living presence in his life.
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