hilarious private parts, normal behaviour?(7 Posts)
For the love of Al Murray, please Help me!! (LONG READ, sorry)
I am a single mama of 4yo twin boys. I have just been pulled aside at the nursery.
A mum has brought to their attention that she caught her boy looking at his sisters dolls lifting up the dress to see her "private parts". When she probed him, he told her that ch1 and ch2, do it and point and laugh at the dolls parts in school.
I have noticed that an increased interest in their private parts over the last 2-3 weeks. They think they are hilarious. They laugh at my wobbly bits when i'm in the shower and sing "Jelly on a plate... wibble wobble".
They are rarely - if ever dressed in the house, unless visitors turn up, when I insist on pants and vest at least. but to be honest its rare that someone calls so they will often protest.
Because its just me and them in the house our bathroom has a 'liberal' open door policy. I need to be able to see and hear them when I am in the shower and I read them books and play their toys with them when they are in the bath. Its not uncommon for the toilet to be in frequent use whilst im in the bath or shower either...
Ch1 has started adding private parts to his drawings of people. I thought it was a natural process of curiosity and biological accuracy.
When he first drew them, he hid it from me and I didn't want him to have issues, or to believe that private parts are bad or something to be embarrassed about so I told him (Quite animatedly): "Its OK, everyone has private parts, sweetheart and even though they are private, they are not a secret and so he didn't need to hide from me. I really hadn't considered this to be a problem... until now ... Is this normal?
The teacher was great. I embarrassingly explained all this too her and and she said that she had no question that there was anything sinister in it, that they are very innocent boys but she had to draw it to my attention since it had been raised by a parent and be able to find the source (Fair enough). But when I left the Nursery 25 minues later the mum was waiting for me to talk about it with me. She doesn't want him looking at 'girl' dolls private parts.... Which is OK, I don't want other mothers thinking that I'm not willing to discuss issues with them or that they might get anything less than willing but I don't want other mothers to think that I have rude or somehow perverse boys who are going to corrupt their children and i'm a bit worried now.
Do I need to be taking more of a serious stance on covering up and nakedness in the house?
and do I need to get stern about talking about and giggling about private parts?
The other mom sounds bonkers. 4 yo is a very common age for them to notice differences in the sexes and become preoccupied with them. I would try not to discuss any of this with the other mum, or be very non-committal if she corners you.
What Booboo said - your approach sounds very healthy and not dissimilar to my own. Ds is 4.5 and has taken much more interest lately so it's been an appropriate time to speak to him about what is 'private' in terms of touching and that he shouldn't have secrets etc. He touches himself all the time but oddly doesn't like it when 'his willy blows up'. I've explained that's normal, it happens to all boys and men and as he gets older it will happen more when something feels nice. We all regularly stroll around naked and have absolutely no problem with it. At the point he becomes embarrassed we'll stop doing it, but I think it's so important that children grow up with a healthy body image and a realistic one too. We're very open and honest in our responses to his questions. I assure you that your approach and your children's responses are entirely appropriate. The other mother sounds a bit barmy.
I've already had quite an in-depth conversation with her now. Apparently he has never done this before: He knows not to, so I kind of felt like I had to explain and apologise given that my children have seemingly set in motion the event leading to the conversation... Sown the seed, if you will.
I just felt that I needed to explain that it would be entirely innocent.
I think I may have come across a bit blasé because apparently she tells me that they have a naked doll in nursery that clearly bothered her and I jut said "Oh! I'm not bothered about that". I may have come across as a bit too liberal, which i'm not.
Had they been doing something more graphic I would have been equally appalled and wanted to know where they learned it but its just a new fascination with body parts.
I say "Just", not to be rude and indefferent but because body parts are-what-they-are. They're biology.
After stewing all nigh. This is my chat with the boys the following morning:
FYI: X, Z and 0=another child. Y= the child of the parent raising the issue.
(Y is also T2's Favourite friend)
I told them that Id heard something a little disappointing and someone had said that they'd looked at dolls parts and laugh at their private parts to which T1 laughed and said "Urg, no I don't" and T2 said " I don't play with dolls!!!!" (As though I should be absolutely appalled with myself for suggesting he plays with girls toys). The rest went like this:
ME: Why, what's wrong with dolls?
T2: They are for girls but we dont have doll in school?
ME: Not even a baby?
T2: Hmmmm... I will have a look and I will let you know.
(Straight away he doesnt even know if there is a doll)
ME: so can I ask you anothier question?
T2... (He's my talker)... Yeah. Of course you can.
ME: So you haven't laughed at dolls privates. Have you maybe laughed at real ones?
T1: I laughed a little bit when [X] pulled my pants down. Did I do something naughty? No one saw my private parts because I pulled them up really quickly.
ME: Nooo, not at all. but if [X] does that again will you please tell him that its not OK....
T2: and I laugh when [Y] grabs my willy
ME: He grabs your willy?
T2: With the "Grabber" .... and it bloody hurts!!!
ME: Please dont swear, bear. Whats a grabber?
T2: A thing in school.
ME: Dont let anyone hurt you. Especially not there. It could be very painful even afterwards and we might even need to see a doc if it got bruised. Would you tell a teacher next time?.
T2: It was only playing he doesnt mean to hurt me. Its a bit funny and a bit hurts.
T1:...[Z] pulls his pants down in school and when  was sat on the carpet his trousers were a bit down and we could all see his bum and me and [Y] were laughing.
I told him that laughing at peoplpes private parts can make them feel embarassed and silly and I suggested that if that happens again, instead of laughing, maybe he could politely tell the person or the teacher tat he needs to pull his pants up.
I shared with the yesterday today what we talked about and she confirmed that they dont have any dolls. They had a baby doll until november when they changed the "Home corner" to the "Farm shop". She is happy that I talked to them. Can see how what they are saying makes sense and is happy that they are playing, have just gone a bit too far and have NO IDEA that its "A thing". She deosnt have the faintest idea where this thing about dolls has come from.
It seems to be that both mine and the other mothers son had a laugh at the fact that another childs bum wasn't covered and my best guess is that his whoe thing may have actually stemmed from that but I don't even want to approach the mother to make that suggestion. I haven't actually seen her at the school since ....
BUT... and its a big but. T2 came home really upset today because Y wouldn't play with him today and told him "I'm not allowed to play with you.
IM SO SAD FOR MY BOY.
Bless you try to ignore the uptight mother, this is just what kids do it's normal, sorry for your little boy, and for the friend who was told he couldn't play with your son anymore, she may think she's being protective but sorry you can't stop kids giggling over private parts it's just what they do and she is just coming over v self righteous & judgemental x
My 4yo DD wants a winkle very much. She's seen her friend has a winkle and now she wants one. She's even tried weeing like a boy with rather disastrous consequences. I've explained she can't and she's stuck with what she's got and what she has got is beautiful.
Thing is, all this is normal, wanting to find out why things are different. I would be far more concerned if my DD hadn't noticed there were any differences.
The other mother is clearly bonkers for trying to sanction normal, healthy behaviour. It says a lot more about her than your boys.
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