Violent rages 6 year old

[McSmith]

Hi folks, new to mumsnet and really hoping for some advice here!
Our son (6) has always been impeccably behaved when in a nursery or school setting, and his reports have always been glowing - really bright, helpful, quiet and reserved but with a strong friendship group etc etc. Which is lovely and we're really proud, but is almost unrecognisable from the son we have at home. He's kind, loving, funny and engaging, and then BAM! Something sets him off (trying to tie a shoelace, his sister pulling a face at him, a small mistake on his homework, putting his t-shirt on backwards by accident, anything at all!) and his instant reaction is to lash out hard - hitting, kicking, scratching, even biting - at the nearest person. He completely loses control.
We're fairly strict as parents but with the emphasis on positive parenting, he eats well, doesn't have too much TV/ipad and is very sporty so has loads of exercise. Tiredness is a trigger but he has 11-12 hrs sleep each night which seems plenty and we just can't work out what we could change to help him. It's got to the point where it's really beginning to affect all of us and bring us all down.
Anyone experienced similar or know of any good tips??? Thanks for reading.

[passivemother]

Have u considered some harsh punishments? my six year old was also rather violent and i isolated him for 15 hours of the day! seems harsh but it has worked as he is now 23 and good as gold! hope this helps :)

[WaftingWilberry]

What is he like in school holidays? It could be that although he's doing well at school it's very tiring for him so he'll 'let go' at home.

[Jaderuby]

In his room all day but for school, how long did the punishment last for?

[bigTillyMint]

Do you think there could be a difference in consistency of applying rules/rewards/punishments at home -v- school? Do you think your idea of strict isn't really all that strict or maybe not that consistent?

[LeChien]

Does he have plenty of time to wind down after school?

If he knows the rules and doesn't do this in school, it could be that he's holding in any stress and frustrations and letting them come out at home.

The Explosive Child is a very book book for dealing with behaviour like this.

[ouryve]

It sounds like, however well he's doing at school, it's a big effort for him to stay perfect all day and he lets it all out as soon as he feels comfortable.

Is his behaviour different in the holidays?

And no, unless you know for sure that it's deliberate and can be controlled, "harsh punishment" is not the answer. He's 6, not 16.

Agree about reading the Explosive Child. It's a bit American, but very good for how to get to the bottom of a problem and work with a child to improve the situation.

[fourmeatpies]

"harsh punishment" sounds like it's boarding on abuse.

[NoParking]

Does having a tantrum gain him a lot of attention? I wonder if there's anything you inadvertently do when he tantrums that makes it worth his while to do so?

Other things I would try include working out possible triggers (food, sweets, change, thirst, problems at school, particular times of the week etc) and asking him when he's calm what makes him so cross.

Buy perhaps you've tried all that?

[meglet]

four it's crossed over the threshold I reckon!

[fourmeatpies]

Maybe we'd need more information to make that judgement.

[McSmith]

Thanks everyone, will definitely have a look at the Explosive Child cos that sounds like a fair description! Hubby and I need to sit and talk tactics...