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feeling carpiest mum ever, just lost it!

(16 Posts)
neshi Wed 17-Jun-15 21:13:18

My DS will be five next month but his behaviour lately is worst that 2 years old at peak tantrum stage!
He has always been quite a nervous and anxious child, very insecure. He's behaviour is great at school but then at home we is constantly having harsh reactions, answering in a really rude tone and being stubborn to an insane level.
Because he's a very sensitive child I try to keep calm and reason with him, make say sorry and talk gently, but the tantrums and crying sessions have only increased.I'm at the end of my tether and it's been beyond hard to deal with him, today I lost it again!

He loves his youtube videos and to turn them off we always seem to have a fight! I made a "deal" with him this morning, I would let him see his video if he promised that there would be no tantrum or crying when asked to go to bath and bed. He promised, he read his book with me before (his daily task, 5 min reading) and then I turned youtube on for him. Come bath time, I told him 10 min before, to let him understand the idea, pass the 10 min and I said, ok, lets turn this off now....well he screamed his head off!! Trying to be calm I explained that tomorrow there will be no videos because you failed your promises...he screamed his head off even more and kept saying I will see videos, I will, I will...and nothing seems to stop him when he's like this and he always needs to have the last word. I finally dragged him to the bathroom and it took his 15 min to undress his trousers, I kept on talking really low and keeping calm, but after that time I lost it, I told him he his constantly being mean to me, that he is not my friend, that I had enough of his tantrum and I can't take it any more and that he behaves like a 1 year old....all this screaming MY head off.
DS was clearly upset, would not stop crying in a very nervous way, not in a tantrum way this time....I feel horrible now!

I have no idea what else can I do, how to react to his behaviour, how to deal with it....feeling completely lost. I hate screaming at him but it seems it's happening more and more because he's just not "manageable" at all, it's like talking to a wall. It feels most of our time is spent negotiating and hitting dead ends, with both being angry and nervous....I hate it, I hate this type of parenting but can't seem to get out of it, no matter what I try....

Please tell me I'm not alone and provide some clever ideas, I've really don't know what to do any more!

SlinkyB Wed 17-Jun-15 21:19:08

Couldn't just read and run, though I'm sorry I don't have any wise words.
You're not alone though; I've lost it and screamed at ds (4.5) at the top of my lungs before, and it's horrible. He looked shocked and scared sad

wine or brew for you for now, ad hopefully someone much cleverer than me will come along soon with some advice.

liger Wed 17-Jun-15 21:29:41

I've certainly been in your place, please don't be too harsh on yourself.

Could it be that your son works so hard to behave well at school, that when he comes home to his safe secure place he lets out all the emotions of the day ? Has it got gradually worse since Spetember or is this behaviour you recognise before he started school ?

It certainly sounds like he has trouble with transitions. Perhaps as well as saying 10 mins and then coming and saying times up. Come back to him when 5 minutes is left. Two minutes, and then one minute left. With my kids at two minutes I ask them to start thinking about what they will do once its turned off. These seems to ease the resistance to turning off.

Apologise to him in the morning. It's no harm for you to see you are a human being

liger Wed 17-Jun-15 21:30:57

..for him to see you are a human being.

Sootgremlin Wed 17-Jun-15 21:47:55

I just shouted at my 4 year old this evening because he shut his bedroom door on me. He had been as good as gold all day, but it's been a hot day here and he obviously had some feelings to let out somewhere!

I hate shouting, but sometimes you can ask and ask but they won't stop until you shout. I think sometimes he needs it in a way, so he can have a good cry and a cuddle after. As long as it doesn't go too far, or carry on too long. I think it is best to walk away though if you can, say I can't talk to you for a moment because I'm feeling cross and then come back when calm.

Practically, I don't have any screen time after dinner as a rule, (just remembered I made an exception to this tonight, which might have caused the tantrum, putting two and two together smile) as it is too late, too difficult for them to leave it for bed of all things, and I think just too stimulating when they're tired. So bit of TV/iPad while I'm cooking or whatever, then it goes off and stays off. It seems to be a lot easier that way, and after getting it established he is fine with it now and rarely asks after.

Also I do give him lots of help still dressing and undressing, even though he can do it, as sometimes he is tired and gets overwhelmed with it. I think when you've both had a long day it is really worth doing whatever is easier on you both.

SlinkyB Wed 17-Jun-15 22:22:46

That's good advice soot. Do you mind me asking if it's no TV after dinner too? As as lovely as it sounds, we have dinner around 4.30/5, then bed at 7pm (kids are 18months and 4.5yrs) and I can't imagine them not watching CBeebies before bed. We have a "no tablet/phone after 6.30pm" rule for older dc, but maybe TV is too stimulating too?

RedCrayons Wed 17-Jun-15 22:31:00

We have no laptop/tablets after tea time. We either watch tv together or they can go to bed and read.
We also do the countdown thing, 5 mins till it's bedtime etc.

I also don't allow any screens including TV until everyone is dressed and ready for school (so effectively never).

We've all lost our rag at some point, mine have driven me to the edge many times. I do apologise to them when I've lost my temper and try to explain why.

Hillijx Wed 17-Jun-15 23:03:33

I know how you feel, I have been having a rough time with my dd's 4 & 18m, the last few days I started a new tactic on the constant crying from dd1 and tantrums and screaming at me, I tried saying "I know this makes you sad" and hugging her and then suggesting a diversion.....me shouting at her seems to escalate the situation but this seemed to work. Although I know that as soon as I have less patience it may not be as easy. It's horrible when you lose control of a situation but don't beat yourself up. These days there is so much parenting advice out there that sometimes it just makes you feel like a rotten parent for not managing everything the way you "should". Tomorrow is another day flowers

Sootgremlin Wed 17-Jun-15 23:03:58

Yes, it is no TV after dinner, but we do have dinner a bit later, usually 5.30.

I think you have to find what works best for you - it was becoming too much of a drag getting him away from the TV to the bath and causing a lot of stress all round, whereas now it goes off before dinner and doesn't go back on, and it's much easier to get him up the stairs. He usually plays with his cars/trains/has a mad run around with his sister (18 months) after. Things will probably have to adapt a bit again, but for now that's what seems best.

We also don't have any TV in the mornings unless, raining, illness etc, as it seems to put the brakes on the day before it gets going. Different children cope with things differently though.

TV is one of those things that the more you start to do without it, the easier it becomes.

CocktailQueen Wed 17-Jun-15 23:06:52

Ban screen time for the foreseeable future. He's getting addicted to it. Take it away and get him to play with toys appropriate for his age! Being on a screen isn't helping his imaginative play, etc. it's just making him act up when you take it away. Ban it and see if his behaviour. Improves.

RedCrayons Wed 17-Jun-15 23:16:19

Ah all the old ones from the days when it was good

RedCrayons Wed 17-Jun-15 23:17:19

Ooops sorry, wrong thread.

Miaza Thu 18-Jun-15 22:46:52

My 4 year old has been an utter pain in the bum recently. I actually cried yesterday as I just couldn't cope. Feeling your pain. Just read a few old threads on 4 year olds and it seems to be a very difficult age to get through. Mine seemed to have turned into a monster overnight. I am exhausted beyond belief at the mo. Let's hope it passes soon.

SlinkyB Fri 19-Jun-15 21:42:30

I've had a difficult week with my 4.5yr old ds1. He just won't do a thing he's asked, and I can't leave him for a second as he gets up to mischief (like climbing on stools to raid kitchen cupboards, or drawing on himself with felt tip). It's like having a toddler all over again! Oh, and the bare-faced lying and teenage type attitude has been interesting too.

Had a lovely day out with him today though (got childcare for the 18mo so could focus on ds1), and am hoping he's turned a corner. Have limited screen time the past two days, and am trying to get him in bed earlier; he was asleep at 6.40pm last night! As I think a few late night weren't helping (8pm ish is late for him).

Rasell Thu 25-Jun-15 00:16:27

I totally u derstand and in fact have just put up a similar post. My boy is 4.5 and can be impossible. It's so hard to not lose your temper. It sounds like you try your best to be calm, maybe try the leave the room for 10 deep breaths while telling yourself you can deal with this, it's just a child being naughty, as we all were. Or pretend it's not your child but someone else's & see if that helps. I'm going to try these things from tomorrow. Fingers crossed they're doing it for the reaction & when they don't get one from us they'll stop! Good luck & a big hug xxxx

YouFargingIceHole Thu 25-Jun-15 18:21:06

Oh OP, I feel your pain! My ds is 4.5 and starting school in august, our best friends moved away with their 4 yr old boy that he's been with since birth and we're looking at childminders for school care so he's dealing with big changes. I attributed the appalling behaviour and tantrums to this but reading all these posts it might just be a challenging age?
I am watching this thread as I have very little in my arsenal to deal with him. I try to be gentle and prepare him for transitions but tantrums still ensue.
Has anyone had their child get really fussy in an ocd like way? (I know it's not true ocd, I don't want to trivialise the condition) He has to have his chair "straight " and freaks out if it's not. He will get up to adjust it 20 times in a meal. The kicker is that our table's round, there is no straight. That and fussing about his clothes, his toys, his food and having more pee accidents than normal has me ground down.
I have lost it a few times too. It's just too much sometimes.
I'm really just waiting for this phase to pass as I can't see anything I do making a difference, I'm just trying to be kind and loving as much as possible.
Boarding school?wink

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