DD drawn to naughty children

[MrsWhirling]

I would really appreciate some advice how to deal with my DD7. She is clever, confident and an extrovert. This school year we have been plagued by issues which centre around her friendship with a child at school. This child is disruptive and I have been told known for being badly behaved. I have just had a progress meeting with teachers at a dance school DD attends during which they spoke about DD's friendship with a child there who is disruptive. It seems my DD is not very good at picking friends. How can I help her with this ? Thanks x

[EggsAreNotFromCows]

Do you mean she has herself started being disruptive?
I would let her choose her own friends, it is for her to decide who she likes to spend time with. But I would talk to her about choices and peer pressure. Just because she is friends with someone doesn't mean she has to behave like them. She is choosing her own behaviour, you cannot blame that on another child.
There will always be people in life who behave differently to what you deem acceptable. That doesn't necessarily mean you can't like them, you just choose your own standards of behaviour (and try to instil that in. Your children)

[MrsWhirling]

Yes I agree and we do that, my concern is that my DD seems to be drawn in by naughty kids - this is behaviour I deem unaaceptable, it IS unacceptable. We try to teach her responsibility but also how to choose friends wisely.

[MrsWhirling]

And I am not blaming other child.

[EggsAreNotFromCows]

Then maybe all you can do is to discuss the impact and consequences of the behaviour, and how being part of it will affect her - how others see her, the likelihood of doing well at school, the effect on other children etc?

It's difficult, but can you encourage some other friendships to blossom? Suggest a great day out with another friend?

[Atenco]

If your dd is behaving herself, does it really matter who is friends with? and ditto if she is behaving badly.

[tumbletumble]

When my DS1 was aged 3 to 6 he was best friends with a boy who was without doubt the naughtiest boy in the class. But it didn't affect his behaviour, and as they got on so well I (unwillingly) embraced it. If your DD is mis behaving I think you need to deal with that and not worry about the other child.

[Annabannbobanna]

Perhaps you need to work on her self esteem, so that she is comfortable being her. It shouldn't make any difference how her friends behave.

[MrsWhirling]

Yes thank you all good advice. DD is misbehaving sometimes. But I guess the point I am making, or question I am asking is: Why is she always drawn to the naughty kids? She simply is. If there are 100 kids in a room, she will pick that child!!

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

i would suggest it's because she enjoys the behaviour and it enables her to behave in a way she wants.

I think you need to focus on how she is choosing to behave and not who she is choosing to make friends with.

[longlistofexlovers]

I agree with build and tumble. Your DD obviously thinks the bad behaviour is funny or something other than repellant.

You need to be shaping her ideas about behaviour, not worrying about the other kid.

[Love51]

I wasn't 7 when i did this, I was 9/10 and up. I was a goody 2 shoes who was always friends with the naughty kid. My very clever (and in adulthood, successful) cousin was the same (but she was less goody 2 shoes than me). The attraction is the sense that anything might happen. It is interesting to be with someone to whom the rules do not apply. It enables you to experience risky behaviour with someone else taking the risk.
Thinking of all the people i knew who were like this as kids, they have all ended up in caring professions. And doing well at them. Thats not a scientific survey tho.

[MrsWhirling]

Longlistoflexlovers and tumble tumble: I am definetly NOT worrying about the other child. Thanks for your replies though.

[jeee]

Are you sure that the parents of the other girls don't consider that their dd is being drawn to 'the naughty child'?

I know of at least one parent who was always interfering with her dd's friendships on the grounds that the other girl caused her dd to misbehave.... and yet, the common factor in the bad behaviour was her dd.

As all the other posters have said, focus on your own child's behaviour because that's where you have influence.

[longlistofexlovers]

jeee, I agree.

'DD is always drawn to the naughty one' sounds a hell of a lot like DD is the one misbehaving.

[AdventureBe]

"She is clever, confident and an extrovert."

TBH, I think whenever you get a group of 2-3 of these kind of children they can be disruptive, talking and laughing when they shouldn't, rather than being outright "naughty". They all need to learn that actually, they are being rude and naughty.

I too think you probably have to accept that DD bears as much responsibility as the others, especially as it's happening in more than one environment.

[MrsWhirling]

This is making me laugh!!

I haven't said at all that my DD is perfectly behaved or that the other child is the problem and mine is not.

I asked for advice on how I can help my child to choose friends wisely.

I'm not blinkered or in denial as I think some of you are suggesting.

[BuildYourOwnSnowman]

I don't think you are focussing on the right thing though!

She obviously likes these children and you pushing her to pick other friends is unlikely to work. What you can do is let her consider her own behaviour. She can be friends with these children and not end up in trouble.

If she tends to have one friend then encourage her to hae a broader circle. However you can't force friendships and she needs to choose for herself.

[AdventureBe]

Honestly, the idea that you can help children choose friends wisely is absurd.

IME children (people) are drawn to those who share the same beliefs and ideals as them. So, whilst my children's friends are drawn from many different backgrounds financial/class wise they are almost all from families who are very similar to us in terms of discipline and behaviour expectations.

e.g. whilst on the face of it DH and I are from very different backgrounds. My parents are university educated professionals, his working class, our unbringing was astonishingly similar. Both sets of parents put hard work top of a list of priority and we had very similar rules over mealtimes, bedtimes and behaviour. My school friends were the same too. Some from very fancy houses, some from the council estate, but they were parented very similarly.

[longlistofexlovers]

You can't teach your DD to only pick children you like for friends OP.

[longlistofexlovers]

This is making me laugh!!

That's because you're missing the point.

[MrsWhirling]

I'm not missing point. I asked a question and requested some advice. Perhaps I didn't articulate it properly or perhaps I'm not a parenting expert like some of you think you are. I hate these threads when bitchy women start attacking someone asking for help. Give your advice and your opinion but do not attack me and try to make me sound like an idiot and stop quoting me. I know what I said.

[AdventureBe]

I thought my advice was quite helpful actually. Strange how you don't like it when it means you'd have to take some responsibility.

I'm afraid, after a lot of years of parenting, I've learned that parents taking responsibility is the answer to an awful lot of problems.

[MrsWhirling]

Shut up AdventureB.

[AdventureBe]

That'll help

[Floggingmolly]

You not liking the answers doesn't make them any less valid, op
Don't ask people for advice and tell them to shut up when said advice doesn't suit you. Not behind the door in the nasty behaviour stakes yourself, it seems...