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Playground politics

(6 Posts)
dingalong Sat 06-Jun-15 12:42:43

Just canvassing some opinions please

Dd 5 (started school last september) and her friends play in playground after school. Dd has issues ( long story) with classmate\sometime friend \ enemy

They're friends but other girl critises dd's work (its messy), her singing e
(Too loud,) etc. Now dd and i had chats about it but I don't want to make a big deal and I stopped playdates with the other girl

But we've some issues in the playground eg. Dd wants to get ice creams as mums take turns buying them and says that I'll get them. But other girl starts s sobbing that she wants her dad to get them that's its her turn (though according to dd her mum had gotten them a few days earlier. Its probably a big deal to them to hand out to the group about 10 kids.

But I'd chatted to her dad and we'd agreed I'd get them as I'd to go to the shop anywsy. But they (girl and dad then followed us to the shop because she was upset) and he asked to buy them and I said okay

I said fine but dd was upset because the othet girl always cries like this and gets her own way and it happens a lot when its dd's turn.

I have low self esteem and can be a real people pleaser. I don't want dd to pick up my bad habits so any advice how to handle this type of incident as I want to model the right behaviour for my daughter.
Would I appear like a bitch saying no to other girls crying ? Should I point out that pandering to her would leave dd upset ?

momtothree Sat 06-Jun-15 12:45:47

The other girls knows crying gets her way. I would stop this ice cream buying and get your own. Just say it causes upset. Or take the freebies!!

dingalong Sat 06-Jun-15 12:56:10

Its a new phenonomen but she has only cried when its dd turn for different things. Should I ignore the tears ?
I've let lots slide but yesterday had a 'what am I teaching my daughter moment?'

dingalong Sat 06-Jun-15 12:57:38

Apologies - phenonomen is ice cream buying and about 8 mums do it

adoptmama Sat 06-Jun-15 13:06:10

Your showing your own child you care more about how the other child feels than she does. Your dd clearly wants a turn giving out ice creams but you would rather see her upset than another child!

First off I think you need to emotionally disengage from the normal childhood arguments your DD and her friend have had. All children comment on each others work, singing etc. This does not make them 'enemies' and your use of the word suggests that you are very heavily emotionally invested in every little thing. You seem worried that criticism of your child by another child means something much bigger than it really does! Don't project your own fears into this. Children will have their ups and downs but if you allow yourself to become caught up in it you will be exhausted! Children need us to let them learn how to solve their own differences. It is how they learn relationship skills. If you think every little cross word is a disaster then she will too.

Second don't give in like this in future. If the other father wants to follow you to the shop let him. If you have already agreed it is your DDs turn then stick to it. Explain to him and his DD that it is important to your child that she has a turn and that you gave in before but now you are not going to let your child miss out on the opportunity to feel good about sharing and giving. You don't need to point out to him anything about how his giving in will lead to more of the same behaviour, as that is his problem not yours. Just state plainly that, as agreed, you are buying the ice-creams this time for your DD to give out. No drama, no emotions, just plain statement of what you are doing. All children need to feel good about themselves by giving things to others, and this is the time your child needs to see that her feelings are important to you. It doesn't matter how the other child reacts - she can throw a hissy fit, refuse the ice cream or cry herself sick - her reaction is not your problem, it's her father's. Don't feel you need to offer a solution to it.

Third, if you know your own low self-esteem is a problem then take steps to begin to change. Buy a self-help book, go on a course, learn a new skill, hang out with people who can see your unique value as a human being and allow you to see it too. Don't simply accept that you cannot change. You will be sending your daughter a powerful message about your emotional strength - and the kind of girl and woman she can be too - by making these changes.

dingalong Sat 06-Jun-15 13:27:42

Thanks adoptmama. I don't want to be overinvested but when dd came home from school crying we talked about it but I was wondering if my actions negated all our talks.

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