In despair with my sons behaviour ��

[Lin79]

In despair with my sons behaviour ??
Hello,
Desperately seeking advice as completely at my wits end ??. My son is almost 3 and I can't remember the last day that was tantrum free. At first I thought it was just the 'terrible two's' but now I think it's more. He has proper meltdowns which can sometimes last for hours! We're constantly late taking my daughter to school and it takes me so long to get my son out of the house. The other morning he point blank refused to get dressed until he'd finished lining up his cars. He then got upset as he didn't want to wear the socks I'd chosen for him nd then when I took them off, he wanted them back on and this was pretty much the same for all his clothes and shoes. Then while we were walking, he had a meltdown as my daughter was in front and made it to school before him.
He's obsessed that he needs to win or get somewhere first and if he doesn't, then the hour long meltdown begins.
I've tried everything but the only thing that works is being patient and giving him a cuddle.

The onther day, I asked him for a kiss and for some reason, this sent him into a n epic tantrum/meltdown and after about an hour, he said he'd give me a kiss!
I hate going out with him as I know that something is going to make him kick off.
He is also obsessed with lining his cars up nd they have to be perfect, if you move one even by mistake he gets so angry.
He goes to a childminder 2days a week and nursery 1day a week and they've all said he's fine with them...maybe sometimes slightly stubborn.
I hear him saying to his sister that he's going to hit or kick her?? I don't hit my children so don't know why he talks about hitting.
It all came to a head for me this morning, when he got.upset that I'd got to the toilet before him...even though we weren't racing, and he was screaming and them walked into the bathroom and hit me in the face ?? I was really shocked and shouted that he was a naughty boy and the he tried to run out the front door...thank God my partner locked up when he went out to work.
I burst into tears as he's only ever really like this with me ....What am I doing wrong???? He then gave me a cuddle and said sort. Don't want either of me kids to see me like that.
People tell me to me harder with him but it just doesn't work....really need advice...
Xxx

[FATEdestiny]

My two sons (aged 5 and 9) are uber competitive and when toddlers we would often get the angry sulks/tantrums at perceived "losing" or not winning when something wasn't even a race. I also have two daughters, but the girls are much less competitive.

I'm not sure it's ideal, but we removed any element of competition from all aspects of life for a while. We would constantly be saying "its not a competition, no one will be the winner". No one was acknowledged or praised for being first, quickest etc. We just did not allow the children to be competitive at all.

Obviously this is neither healthy not useful in the long term because competitiveness does exist in life. But we did it gradually, slowly allowing some competitive aspects into life but without placing any focus on this.

What I wouldn't do in our home though would place any focus on anything competitive, because it is no good for my boys. Competition does exist but I wouldn't, for example, say something like "who will be first to finish dinner?" or "who can get ready for bed the quickest?" because these are not helpful.

One final note. I have a friend who's 8 year old son is autistic and statemented at school. He lines up cars. His Mum knows when his anxiety levels are high because a sign of him showing his anxiety in his autistic world is to take out all his cars and line them in huge lines all around the house. It's his way to get some order when his mind is lacking order.