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Behaviour/development

Ds has started hitting- is this a phase or a real problem?

10 replies

bramblina · 30/10/2006 23:24

Ds is becoming quite heavy handed, he just likes to hit an awful lot, with an object. Sometimes it's an experiment (the dog got his spade on her head a few times) or a show of affection (friend's ds got a teapot on the head last week at playgroup), or, to be plain cheeky- with a smile on his face. He has usually got something in his hand, he's obsessed with phones or anything similar that can pretend to be one so if he comes towards me and I'm down at his level, he'll sometimes go to knock my head with it. At first, he would get a firm row and we'd remove the object but now he seems to search for something then search for a person..and today I had to knock his head straight after he hit me with it, just so he sees how sore it is. He cried and I felt awful but I don't know what else to do. Other than that he is a lovely boy, and a joy to be with. He doesn't do it all day but if he's in that mood he could try for a good 5 minutes. It sounds like I'm describing someone else's child here and it's not nice. When he started pulling hair, we would pull his back and he soon stopped but I find it difficult to hit him back when I really don't think he full understands. Got to knock it on the head though oh god what a pun. Any advice...? I got quite upset tonight as it's been going on for about a fortnight now. He's nearly 15 months old.

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DastardlyDevilishDior · 30/10/2006 23:28

If you hit him or pull his hair, how will he understand that it is wrong? He is not old enough to understand reason yet, so you can't talk to him about the rights and wrongs. At that age, they are experimenting with cause and effect. He wants to see what will happen and he sees that it gets a response.

My advice would be to remove the object with a firm, 'No'. It is too early for the naughty step or any other suitable punishment. Also, if you give the other child a little attention when he hits them, he will realise that he is not going to get the attention.

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bramblina · 30/10/2006 23:36

I thought the exact same thing, how can we teach him xyz is bad by doing the same thing, but when he pulled hair and we pulled his (I was reluctant, but it seemed to work) he felt the pain and I think the association worked as he gave up. As you say though, cause and effect, and the effect I guess would be a little bit of pain. Someone siad to me he may be doing it for attention but he will do it when we are both sitting on the floor playing with his garage for example. He is our first child and I am a SAHM so I don't think this is the case.
So do a lot of children do this? Is it a phase that is quite common?

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DastardlyDevilishDior · 30/10/2006 23:41

I believe it is common, to varying degrees. Someone with more experience may come along. At 15 months, children aren't old enough to understand that 'when mummy does it, it is 'different'to me doing it' - because it really isn't.

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Drusilla · 31/10/2006 00:20

If you think he may be doing it for attention try withdrawing your attention when he does it. So if you are sitting with him and he hits you, just say no very firmly and get up and walk away. If you think he is about to do it try distracting him with something. At that age they want your attention all the time - if you tell him off or hit him back he is getting a response, if you walk away he gets nothing. Very dull for him. That worked with DS biting at similar age. I don't think I would pull a 15 month olds hair tbh.

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threebob · 31/10/2006 05:55

By doing it back you are actually having a "conversation".

I think his hair pulling stopped because the phase ended, rather than you teaching him by doing it back.

A firm "that's not okay" and walking away, repeated lots of times is really all you can do. He's on 14 months old - still a baby with the poorly developed frontal lobes and reasoning powers.

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kittythescarygoblin · 31/10/2006 06:56

bramblina, just keep saying "no' in a stern voice. Hitting and pulling the hair of your baby is completely wrong imo.
He is just a baby I don't think it's nice at all to do that to a baby. Sure he needs to be shown that some things are not ok, but pulling hair ???

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zubin · 31/10/2006 07:51

It is a phase, my nephew is doing exactly the same thing - I know it sounds corny but I think they are just testing the boundaries - carry on with the firm no and walk away not giving him any attention and if he hits another child then shower that child with affection. We tried naughty steps etc and they didn't work, he started doing it to get a reaction - it is really upsetting, my poor sister has been in tears over it especially because it's my ds that's being hit most of the time, but he will grow out of it, he is just a baby and isn't old enough to be making reasoned decisions - try not to worry.

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bramblina · 31/10/2006 12:55

Good to hear, zubin.

As I said I really wasn't keen to pull his hair at all, I agree with those who have said if it's wrong it's wrong. I hope it was just a stage and he has grown well out of it.

Threebob I could do with learning more of what they actually can and can't do, I've read a lot about the first year and the clingyness and wanting to grab the spoon etc are all a part of development, usually come at a certain age and with ds they did, but things like this come along and I don't know where to find out if they are almost to be "expected"- like in my OP I'm asking if it can be a phase and shall I just be confident he'll grow out of it.

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bloodysideup · 31/10/2006 13:05

bramblina, now is the time when you need to start using distraction in a HUGE way! As someone else said, if he hits, say a firm "No" but then immediately draw his attention on to other things. I think often parents get worried that they have to 'deal' with the hitting, there and then, and feel a pressure on them...but you don't need to 'DEAL' with it, just distract like mad. Don't focus on it in the hope that your ds will immediately 'learn' not to do it; this may take months or years in reality! The more you focus on it the more he will do it. Just move him on all the time to other things he CAN do. Babies of your DS age are nearly always distractible.

And yes, pulling his hair and hitting him back are simply not telling him anything. He does not have the thought processes to think "hmm, gosh when mummy pulled my hair it really hurt, if that's how painful it is I certainly won't be doing that to another person!" The thoughts simply aren't there. It is all about experimenting and learning that what he does has an effect.

By doing it the ONLY thing you are teaching him is that sometimes mum just decides to hurt me, when she feels like it. That's about how much sense it will make in his mind.

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bramblina · 31/10/2006 21:16

Thanks for that. Will try that even more tomorrow.

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