WWYD about a friends child hurting your child?(16 Posts)
I'm friends with a lady who I really get along with (and I don't really have many friends) but the trouble is that her son is always hurting my daughter. Her son is around 2 years old and my daughter is 14 months. Her son has communication difficulties which I know she finds stressful to deal with. Our children were in creche together and everytime I went to pick up my DD she came out with accident forms where he has clawed at her and left horrible scratches (usually to her face). The most recent incident was when we took them both to a play group and the minute my daughter was anywhere near him he grabbed her face knocking her to the floor. She ended up with more scratches and when she tried to tell him to say sorry he just tried to do it again. I don't want to lose her as a friend and I understand her son has difficulties but I hate seeing my daughter hurt and upset especially as she seems to be his only target even if there are other children around. Sorry for the long rant
Usual advice is to see her without DC. I had a friend with a violent DS who was never really disciplined and I could only see her without him but it really did ruin the friendship.
The issue is with supervision not the child.
Write a formal complaint to the nursery. There is innadequate supervision. One incedent might not be predictable, but we don't just let children hurt each other repeatedly and it sounds like this little boy needs more support to understand the rules and expectations surrounding his behaviour.
Similarly when you and your friend are supervising you are. Going to both have to be more involved.
Why would you "lose her as a friend"?
If you can avoid being in their company then I would to be honest. I was in a similar situation where my DS kept being hurt by a friends DD. Us mums were getting quite close until this "phase" went on and on and on. The little girls mum was too soft on her in my opinion. Anyway, it became increasingly stressful to be in their company as I found myself having to body guard my DS. I have since backed away from the friendship sadly as I found myself dreading our play dates and just not enjoying them anymore.
My friend's DS always hurts my DD if he can. I just hover around where they are playing and intervene when he starts to get unpleasant. My friend and I are very close so ending our friendship isn't an option but I do always try to avoid seeing her when her DS is home - he is in nursery a few days a week. I keep remembering that this is just a phase - he won't still be doing it when they are in school - and if he does I will only see my friend when he is at school.
Do you exclude and ostracise based on physical attributes too, or is it just behavioural stuff? If they were teenagers who are harder to supervise I'd understand but I'm honestly amazed you would drop a toddler and their Mother for this nonsense
So what you're saying zzzzz is that you would be perfectly Ok for your child to keep getting hurt???
I'm saying I would supervise my child more closely.
It isn't acceptable for your DD to be hurt by this child all the time but he is likely to grow out of it.
You need to tell the creche that they need to supervise their interactions more closely to protect your DD and you need to do the same yourself. It's hard work but they can get extra funding and you just have to accept it and get on with it.
If you want to be able to relax and chat, you need to see your friend without her DS present, maybe at a time when you are both child-free.
Zzzzz I do supervise my child thank you, if you don't have anything helpful to say then don't post
I absolutely agree it's a supervision issue. I think his behaviour is within the range of normal but given that it's a known issue he should be constantly supervised around other children. I suppose they should also be working with the boy to find out why he's doing it and help him to vent his frustration/seek attention/establish his own space/whatever it is in a more appropriate way. The latter isn't your problem of course some two year olds are violent not necessarily anyone's fault if I was his mum though I think I'd be right by his side making sure he didn't have the opportunity to lash out, if she doesn't do this you should and you should insist the nursery staff protect your daughter too.
errrr Whewjuice I think you're being defensive I don't think anyone meant poor supervision on your part but the nursery staff and his mum. If his mum can't be relied upon you'll have to do it for her though. Or only go to places where they'll be separate (e.g. a cafe where there'll be in high chairs).
oops read the wrong comment I see why you took offence but I do kind of agree you're going to have to keep them separate.
I'm not sure what answers you were looking for or why you find closer supervision as advice offensive ?
You can of course walk away from this friend because of her child's behaviour, if that's what you want to do. Some people do that when things are less than perfect. It's NOT what I would do or what I would recommend.
Children go through all sorts of weird phases. Compassion and more support generally help enormously.
Sometimes you have to change the level of supervision based on who you are playing with, just like you do if there is open water or a fast road nearby.
I agree that phases are often just that and it would be pointless to throw away a friendship for a phase.
Other children with parents who just don't tackle bad behaviour and a phase becomes a pattern. And sometimes no amount of helicoptering can stop your child being hurt repeatedly by the other.
I've only come across this once but it was going on from aged 1 to 9. I gave up after 4 years.
When I was in a similar situation it was the constant need for extremely close supervision that made me back away a bit from the friendship. If the 2 kids were together you could never tell from one second to the next if a kiss would become a bite or a cuddle would become a pinch. I found myself jumping in to break up close contact between the two when sometimes it turned out the little girl was only after a cuddle. She was so unpredictable. No amount of close supervision could stop her from hurting my DS without me disallowing them to be within a metre of each other. This was not relaxing. This was not fun. This "phase" of the little girls had been going on for over a year before I decided enough was enough and started to lessen the amount of time we spent together. I do still see them, and the biting/pinching "phase" is still going on 2 years later, but I don't see them regularly like I used to.
Anyway, if you think it is just a phase, and that the friendship is worth hanging on to, then it is probably worth riding it out and doing your best to keep your child safe in the meantime. If not though, then walk away. Try to take you child to other groups and try to meet new friends. I know this is easier said then done but not impossible. Good luck.
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