dreadful behaviour from 3 year old

[tea2sweeteners]

grandson 3 and a half years old, is driving his mum mad due to constant battles. He will not do ANYTHING he is asked, told or requested, Is never still, if sat down will constantly squirm and wriggle. Attends pre school 5 mornings a week , 8am -11-50, Some good days , some bad days. They had to give him a high viz jacket and a clipboard just to get him to behave at first, He doesn't like to be told what to do, has a very short attention span, seems unable to sit and listen for more than 2 minutes. HE IS VERY INTELLIGENT, only needs to be shown something once, and he 'gets' it. Seems 'old headed'. Been like this for over 6months, has a new baby brother (9 weeks), so it isn't because he feels left out, He has two lovely parents who adore him, dad works, mum on maternity leave. Very good homelife, but his constant whining and open defiance are very hard to deal with, very loud, very insistant, and sometimes very embarrassing, Worried that other mums think he is bad influence , which to be fair, at the moment he is, all this is depressing mum, she cries, is exhausted

[Iggly]

He sounds like a three year old to me.

And don't be fooled - of course the new baby would affect his behaviour. And I bet when mum was pregnant too - was there a lot of talk about him being a big brother?

The mum is 9 weeks in to having two and will be tired and very emotional. I have been there - having a new baby and a toddler changes how you look at the older one, it really does.

I find getting into battles with my three year old just escalates and doesn't work. She responds much better to positive - e.g. today on the train she kept standing. If I told her off, she'd give me her look. But when I said her shoes were dirty and she needed to sit down as it made the seatdirty, she sat down. She would get excited and need reminding but it was much more effective.

[tea2sweeteners]

That is so comforting to hear, thank you

[rhetorician]

sounds like a 3 yo to me as well! my dd turned 3 in December, and she is hard work! lovely, but also quite defiant, won't take no for an answer etc. It's all about the power: they are working out how much power they have over other people so you have to be firm, consistent and just ignore the worst excesses of their behaviour.

[MyOneandYoni]

Yup - sounds very like lots of three year olds who have recently been de-throned but the new baby, and having to cope with the strange new world of pre-school too.
I imagine it might be quite hard for mum to get out in the morning? Is there any chance you live close enough to sit in with the new baby (who might be having a nap at that time) so that mum can do the school run one-on-one?

[NormHonal]

It also all sounds typical to me. I have one that age and he is generally considered to be a "good" boy, but definitely capable of the behaviour you describe!

What I found helped my DC1 (and this is where you come in) was for me to express milk every now and again and escape for a few hours or even a day out, either just the two of us or with my DH as well, whilst DC2 spent some time with Granny.

I missed my baby immensely but really enjoyed reconnecting with my older child.

Do you think you could help them to do that?

[tea2sweeteners]

Thank you all for your replies..........I live very close to my daughter, see her and the children every day, drive her and children everywhere, feed the lot of them, and help in any way I can, It's difficult to see what more I can do, I have offered to baby sit, so she can spend quality time with him, and so she and her husband can have an occasional night out, But generally I think she is just exhausted (having fallen and suffered a broken knee cap at 28 weeks pregnant. that didn't help) I have asked her to join mumsnet, and talk to others, just as I am doing now, I thik it would help her enormously

[MyOneandYoni]

Mumsnet is great for a bit of moral support, once you get the hang of it.

Never underestimate the exhaustion of the early days! and with a bust kneecap to add to the mix, well, she's doing really well...

[RachieS1986]

If your daughter is too tired for a night out with dh even taking the children for a night so they can just have a relaxing night at home may help. A take away dvd and early night can do wonders and she may feel more calm and prepared for the day a head. My mil did this for us when dc1 was a baby and it did help.

[tea2sweeteners]

Am babysitting this afternoon, she has taken DS to play centre. Just the two of them, and tomorrow is daddies day off. So a bit more quality time for them all, thanks to al for your replies, you have all been a great help