confused stepdad

[rightorwrong15]

Hello im not sure wether its me being wierd (which is what im made out to be at home if i mention things like this) but there are so many issues in our house alot in my eyes stem from my partner of 5 years 11 yr old son, so many to list right now but 1 today which happens a lot my partner sees it as normal i dont! Shes at work right now & i get home from work before her every day but usually half hour to an hour after her 11 yr old son who she allows to have run of the house even after little tgings like falling asleep with a lamp on his bed filling the house with smoke nasty smoke! We have 3 children between us the youngest boy 3 is both our child the 2 eldest are hers, anyway even after that scary experience at 2am in the morning im not allowed to say my exact thoughts on it as im mean about it!... instead nothing is said at all just carry on not a care of what could of happened! &following that i got home a couple weeks later seeing 3 11 yr olds bowling out of hour front door as her son says hey the electrics gone wierd & gone off! Spilt a pint of water over extension lead sockets he was just off to the shop to tell his mum anyway i sorted any danger & she returned home a few hours after again not a word was even mentioned!...well sorry guys thats just 2 things in 2 weeks but a thing that goes on for months is the lad goes through everything in the house looking maybe for his wifi thsts been taken away usually or mobile, i find it strange the child goes through things in our bedroom underwear drawers etc theres important paper work also private! Things ok im not stupid probably every body did this at some point but this is years & its not even hidden its like being robbed cupboards & drawers all left open things moved around lights left on its not even an attempt to cover his tracks or hide hes been through our stuff! If i want to say anything about these things its me thats different or always moaning or a control freak! Does any of this seem normal to other ppl? Sorry for lack of writing skills here im kind of ranting so probably all over the place :-)

[holeinmyheart]

It is definitely not normal for an eleven year old boy to be allowed to go through its Parents papers and bedroom cupboards and draws.
But you are not his Parent, you are his Step Father and hein lies the problem for you , doesn't it?
Both you and you partner need to start laying some ground rules down for this little boy because before long he will be laying the law down for you both.
You need to explain to her, without raising your voice that unless you present a united front to this boy he will soon be beyond control and will play both of you off against each other. He will be ruthless in getting his own way.

Everyone will suffer. The boy will, as children need boundaries. Your partner will as the boy will appeal to his Father or not as the case may be, or anyone else to justify getting his own way.
You will also suffer because you will have been made helpless to do anything to help keep him on the right track. There is already a huge lack of respect for both you and your partner from this child.
It is really urgent you do something about it before he gets big enough to just shove you and her out of his way.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I don't suppose that this boy would like you and/or his mum to pick over his stuff while he is out. Respecting other family members' possessions and their privacy is something we learn as we grow up.

If your wife/partner accuses you of picking on him, suggest a family meeting. Then you can discuss some simple ground rules. The point of a family meeting is not one person laying down the law btw. It's to air views and agree on what keeps the wheels spinning. Eg going into each other's rooms... safety first with electrics etc.