Help with my 6 year old stepson please!!!

[Hendrix67]

I've been with my partner( we're not married) for 4 years we have a son together now who is one and I have a stepson who is 6.
He is a lovely happy boy most of the time but I am becoming increasingly concerned about him and don't know where to turn. We have always had him one night over the weekend, this happened before I came along, every weekend. It does put a strain on us and what we can do as a family. His mother will not allow him to come another night, or multiple nights he is not allowed to visit or stay with other people and we are not allowed to take him on holiday. My partner has been to mediation with her as she stopped contact when our son was born, my partner doesn't want to go to court as he's terrified they will put a stop to his weekly contact. He was doing fine but recently we've had issues with him peeing and soiling himself which I spoke to his mother about she won't take him to a doc and he's being doing it at school although they don't seem too concerned?! He carrys on as if he's not done it and isn't bothered if were out in public. His behaviour is changing also he doesn't listen to instruction or if u explain he could hurt himself doing something he will just carry on and he's started telling lies and over the top stories which sometimes are worrying. He told us his mum told him to remove a pizza from an oven and burnt himself (he had he mark to prove it!!) we also are not told about his home life, he lives with his mum his step dad and little sister who is less than a year old. He seems happy but tells me that the house is too small and he will have to share a room with his sister and he's not happy about it. He's regularly waking at 4:30 to get into bed with his mum when her partner leaves and we recently found out he's going to bed at 6 pm every night, basically so he doesn't cross paths with his stepdad. When chatting to his mum about his peeing issue I had asked her about the fact she was still making him wear nappies at bedtime which she told me was true! My stepson apparently isn't allowed to go to the toilet at night because of her partner either. I'm at a loss, she won't speak to my partner as they always argue. I'm fed up of my stepson being sent to my house filthy and bad clothing, he had shoes two sizes too small and when I tried to send some clothes we got told she wasn't a charity case and she still sent him in awful stuff. I get so upset and frustrated because I love my stepson like my own and I can see he's struggling but I don't know how to help him :( thanks for listening

[livingonaprayer1986]

Hi there

Not sure what advice I can give but here is a hug as I know it must be very frustrating for you. If I was in your situation I would try and talk to the mother again and tell her your concerns, if she still doesn't seem to care then maybe you need to call social services if he is turning up dirty to yours and in shoes that are way to small for him. What does his dad think of this? You mention the step dad doesn't cross paths with your step son and 6pm (IMHO) is quite early for a 6 year old to go to bed... My 3 year old daughter goes to bed at 7.30pm, sometimes 8pm... also him wearing nappies at night JUST so he doesn't cross paths with his step dad doesn't sound good. I understand all children do things at different rates and some children at this age may still be in nappies longer than others, but putting him in nappies just so he doesn't have to cross paths with his step dad to use the loo defiantly sounds wrong.

I hope some other people have some good advice for you, in the mean time, if you can afford it, maybe you could treat your step son to some new shoes and clothes? xxx

[RandomMess]

That's really sad. Could you appeal to his Mum about him coming for every other weekend to give her partner and her a break?

It does indicate that there is a big issue with his stepdad. Would his dad be happy to speak to the school about his concerns?

[Hendrix67]

Thank you, his dad is concerned as well but it's a massive power struggle. If he contacts school to voice his concerns they call his mum and she threatens to cut contact, which makes it even worse for our stepson. At mediation she point blank refused to share weekends and alternate them so in a few years time he's not going to b able to properly bond with his sister which is so unfair on the pair of them, it's like favouritism! We also have our own clothes for him here and we threw his shoes away and sent him in new ones. He returns every week in them. Up until recently she was sending him in underpants ranging from age 2 to 4 the worst ones had the elastic cut out of them but I'm pretty sure she's doing it on purpose. He knows he shouldn't b dressed like that and has even said his mum does it as a joke. As for his step dad I know he doesn't feel comfortable around him, he has apparently mocked him behind her back! I can't really talk to her either she's obviously really defensive, but before she moved in with him she lived with her mum and she was pretty much the sole carer of him during the week whilst she was at work he even calls his grandma mama which is wrong in my opinion. I worry about him all the time, We feel as tho we could have the contact cut if we interfere and that's the biggest risk of it all. Our solicitor told us we have it good as it is but at what cost?!

[Piratejones]

The nappy thing and soiling on their own are not too bad at 6, even peirod of regressing to day time pullups are "normal", which is why the schools are not really bothered. Are you positive she is not sending him in dirty clothes because she knows it annoys you?


What i would do is start keeping a log of things he says and taking photos, but don't turn it into a questioning session, because children do tend to say what they think adults want to hear.
Please also Phone social services and make your concerns known.

[inlawsareasses]

Hi, if his Dad is so concerned why is he letting him return to his mother? If he has parental responsibility then he doesn't need to send him back.
No one will force you to return him as long as his needs are being met and it is not a power struggle between parents with the child being the pawn.
As for the soiling if this is something new I would be worried speaking from a social work point of view.
Your partner should consider applying for a residence order (the name has changed and I can't remember what to)
Mothers do not have all of the rights and it's about time non resident parents started to take responsibility for their own children's safety and well being, if this child has 1 parent who is willing and able to provide for its needs then that is what should happen.