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So today we called the police on dss

(26 Posts)
MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 00:20:22

I've spent all day in turmoil about this, but I've just gone to bed finally and it's all rolling around my head still. Will try my best not to drip feed but this is a long story.

Dss came to live with us, my dc, dh and me 5 years ago when he was 10. Basically his mother couldn't cope with his behavior anymore. So we agreed a trial period to see how things went. I knew it would be extremely hard as it was apparent when I first met dss that he had some sort of asd. I thought I'd be able to access help for him, being quite a pro active parent. However because I wasn't his real mum it was frowned upon. Fast forward 5 years of disruptive behaviour and we've been at breaking point many times. We recently got him a private diagnosis having to jump over the state schools hoops for Aspergers with an ed phsych. There is more to it, but that is quite evident. We actually think this is teamed with other things to. But basically school life is impossible. He's now 15. Today he was excluded (not the first time) because he refused to go to an isolation because he didn't like the teacher. Basically if he doesn't like what's being asked if him he refuses and runs away. He arrived home at 1.30 today. I tried to talk to him, but he was non cooperative. I asked him to go to his room he refused. This in itself is difficult as I work from home. After some time he did go upstairs. He then came down 15 minutes later. I asked him to go back to his room and wait for his dad. He had changed and was going out. I didn't want him to go so tried to get in his way of the door. This was a big mistake. I'm 3 months pregnant and put myself in harms way. He has no concept of hurting others just angry so thinks he's entitled to hit out and swear etc etc. I should have just let him go. He's 5'8" and quite strong. I'm 5'2" and quite tiny. Anyway he stormed off out leaving me in a pile of tears shaking with the shock of it all. Sh called the police. This is not the first time community police have been involved. He's been stealing money from us too. When he finally got home they brilliantly came to speak with him about actions and consequences. Obviously this is going down a slippery slope. The school are aware and recommended we speak with police again. They have made an emergency referral for him to go to an interim special school. It's basically for kids who can't cope with normal schools. They are locked in so can't run away. But how we will get him there I don't know. He will refuse to go. It's escalating at a rate of knots. It affects my children and my health. I am at my words end. His mother is next to useless saying there's nothing wrong with him, despite reports from ed phsych. Although she states if we send him back to her he will go into care. So you'd think that'd be it but then we found him smoking out his bedroom window this evening.

I just had to get that all out. I'm not expecting a magic cure. I can't see this ending well.

Ivd had horrid tummy cramps since it all kicked off and although I had a perfect scan Monday with strong heartbeat I'm worried he's damaged the baby. Dh is in pieces. He's taking him to work with him tomorrow as he doesn't trust him alone not to kick off at me.

FlossyMoo Wed 03-Dec-14 00:27:38

Oh OP. I am sorry. This is a terrible situation. Please go and see your MW as soon as you can, just to put your mind at ease.

Regarding you DSS I am sorry but have no advice. My DSS are angels however my own DS is the one who is causing me issues (aged 12) at the moment and I can see myself mirroring you in a couple more years.

Hopefully somebody will be along with better advice than me.

The Behaviour thread here might help.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 00:32:58

Thanks flossy was at a loss where to post tbh. Will have a look at that link thankyou. Just couldn't sleep with it all whirling around my head.

There's been no blood or spotting so could just be I pulled a few muscles but just feel so shaken.

FlossyMoo Wed 03-Dec-14 00:41:23

I am not surprised. I would be shaken too. I really wish I ad words of wisdomMrs but I do have unmumsnetty ((hugs))

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 00:48:05

Well they are very welcome Thankyou. Sometimes just spilling it out helps. It seems impossibly hard at the moment. I didn't want to burden my mum with it all. She's getting on and she worries so much about me and friends all have an opinion of what they think I should be doing. I just wanted to spill, have a cry, try and wake up tomorrow with new hope if at all possible.

FlossyMoo Wed 03-Dec-14 07:17:08

Good morning Mrs. I hope things seem a little brighter this morning smile

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 07:34:30

Ahhhh thanks for thinking of me. I did get some sleep but not much. I think I just need time to digest it all. I think the adrenalin just kicked in on overdrive yesterday. I'm still not sure what to make of it all.

Dss has been told if there's a repeat of yesterday's performance he will be arrested next time. He doesn't have any connotation of the fact he could have hurt me or the baby, just said he was angry. I think that's the frightening bit. It's not the first time he's hurt me physically. I don't know how to handle him when he refuses to do something either. Because that's becoming harder and harder to deal with. He knows If he doesn't want to do something I can't make him. So in effect he gets his own way. He had all privileges stripped a long time ago for continual defiance. School are on the phone daily as he is uncontrollable.

I suppose I'm in disbelief this is actually my life sometimes.

Gunpowder Wed 03-Dec-14 07:50:31

Just saw this and I am so sorry you are in such an difficult and frightening position MrsE.

If you are worried about the baby you can go and ask for another scan, (I had a really bad fall off a ledge onto my stomach when I was pregnant with DD and they scanned me to check everything was fine.) Everything in there is super well protected and cramps could be stress and round ligament pain, but it might set your mind at rest?

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 07:57:07

Gunpowder i was crampy before it's just I felt extremely sick yesterday too. Just felt generally odd. There's been no blood so I'm going with that as a positive. Sonographer had to tip me in my head to get the baby to play ball on Monday so I do think it's well buried. I just think I'm panicked more about what could of happened. I'll see how the next couple of days go and if still worried I will book myself in privately.

whattheseithakasmean Wed 03-Dec-14 07:57:16

I am so sorry for this difficult situation. I think your DSS needs a school that can handle his complicated needs. My DH teaches at such a school - all the teenagers are troubled in some way and unable to cope in mainstream. It has day pupils and boarders. The teachers and carer staff have dealt with all sorts.

The difficulty is that it is an expensive model, so the Local Authority will always resist sending pupils there. There are also privately funded pupils (you get wealthy troubled children) but the school fees are high. I am just mentioning this so you know 'special school' does not have to be dire or a punishment if you get a good one - but don't just go along with the Council, who will always want the cheapest option, look around.

Hugs to you, hope you are feeling better.

nilbyname Wed 03-Dec-14 08:11:23

Have you spoken with with Autism outreach SOCIETY? They were an absolute lifeline for my brother and his sons. Try them.

It is hard to suggest what to do as I don't know your DSS, but what does he do well, what does he like? When can you recall a good time, what was it?

Can you shower him with love and affection and security? Could you really try and draw him closer to you all?

My nephews, both on the spectrum, need consistent routines and demands, and they cannot cope with things if they deviate from that. I wonder if the new baby is troubling him?

My nephews go to a half and half school, so they are part of a SEN unit for half the time which is on the same site as the main school, and then there is the main school for which they attend some classes. It works well and they like it. It is a state funded school.

Does you DSS have a health and education plan (a statement), this would be key to get from your LA as this secures his care until he is 25.

I am sorry you are going through this.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 08:11:34

What, the problem is we only got the initial diagnosis for aspergers in the summer hols. We paid for this. We are comparatively wealthy I suppose but can't stretch to the 30k boarding school we did have in mind. that kind of monetary impact will affect the other children dramatically. So there will be no holidays, no nursery fees, no driving lessons etc, no swimming lessons for everyone else. We also run our own company and although work is good at the mo we can't guarantee its there forever. We wiped out our savings buying a new house this year so dss could have his own room and not impact so much on the other dc. We also are not sure that with this violent defiant side of things that any school will openly take him. The current state school did 2 emergency reports yesterday. They believe he needs to go to college central which is an interim school for troubled kids.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 08:20:07

There is no official statement. Again long story. Which is why we went over everyone's heads and got a private ed phsych report done. Suddenly everyone started taking more notice. I asked for cahms referral at age 10, we were refused. The system has well and truly failed him.

This may sound harsh and I have tried very very hard but no I can't give him any more love and affection. Nothing has ever come back the other way. He doesn't want it from me anyway. I'm in protection mode now really. He has always had more attention than everyone else put together. Which actually isn't fair either. The reality of the baby isn't really in his thinking. He can't really do that level of thinking. That is an aspergers trait. We've paid for counselling at different times to no avail. He doesn't understand what he feels except he thinks the world is against him. He doesn't understand boundaries or rules. If he'd been diagnosed at a younger age we wouldn't be in this mess.

We phsych basically told us that we won't get a statement now as they are not doing statements. He's 15, we could take it to court, but it won't get to court until he's 16, when according to the system it's pretty much game over and not their problem.

nilbyname Wed 03-Dec-14 08:27:26

Can he be in mainstream achool and in regulate classes? If the answer is no then the school cannot meet his education needs with quality first teaching and so they need to apply for an education and heLth plan (they have replaced statements)

Ask for a meeting with the head of learning/inclusion manager/and senco.

Go in armed and ready to state your case!

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 08:53:31

The school are not unsupportive. There is a meeting for later in the week. But it all takes time to implement.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 03-Dec-14 09:09:52

OP - there doesn't seem much about his dad in all your posts. What is their relationship like? Does he get attention and support from him?

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 10:01:56

Yes he does get attention from dh. But no matter what you give it wouldn't be enough for dss. He demands 100% attention 100% of the time and that simply isn't possible to maintain.

Miggsie Wed 03-Dec-14 10:08:13

I would seriously consider the Priory schools that cater for Aspergers boys. There may be one in your area. He would be much better off in a school where everyone understands his condition and where he can learn social skills and emotional regulation.

If you have the cash research ABA (Applied Behavioral analysis) which could also help but the treatment is intensive and costly. It works though.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 11:59:30

Miggsie I will look into that. But 30k is just too far out of reach. Which has been our only option privately. I think 10k is more realistic in affordability but really wouldn't scratch the surface down south.

mummytime Wed 03-Dec-14 12:19:22

I would go to SS and the LA and get one of the new health plans. SENSOS may well be people to contact, and get them to fight for you and your son. The LA need to take their responsibility and pay for his schooling and care.

You are not alone, so maybe the special needs board here can give you some support and advice on getting what your dss needs.

mummytime Wed 03-Dec-14 12:20:09

Oh and I know boys at Priory schools funded by the LA - although LAs don't like doing that.

MrsExtraOrdinary Wed 03-Dec-14 12:31:59

We've been told that because he's gone undiagnosed for so long and has been in mainstream until year 10, the case against him is quite strong that mainstream school should be able to manage him. I don't agree. But when it comes to funding we've been told there isn't any unless we are a low income family. We aren't but not millionaires either. Clearly we are going round in circles.

Dh just gave me 5 minutes warning to go to a meeting at 12.30 so ive not gone. It was planned for tomorrow and was rearranged without my knowledge. Anyway dh is going. May find out more later. Tbh I'm feeling quite ill. My stomach is in knots. He's not angry with me and feels unsupported but I feel a bit battered from yesterday and maybe you think it wrong but I need to look after myself in this too.

spaghettisue Wed 03-Dec-14 15:06:05

Of course you need to look after yourself. Everybody understands that. And your unborn baby. Take a step back for now, and let dh take charge of things.

mummytime Thu 04-Dec-14 07:34:14

Contact someone like SENSOS! To be honest it sounds as though if the LA don't intervene he will end up in a secure placement, which will cost them more! Of course they are hoping that you can somehow hang on, then if anything it becomes part of the criminal justice system, and someone else's budget.

If you post on the special needs bit someone will recommend the other group who help out in cases like this.

OneInEight Thu 04-Dec-14 08:29:22

I hope progress was made at the meeting and you and the baby are OK.

It is extremely hard work parenting a child with AS - it hard enough when they are your own so I have a lot of respect for you taking on someone else's.

The new school sounds a great idea but it does need to be presented in a positive light rather than as a punishment. There are lots of things he might like - e.g. small class sizes, more reward schemes, more outside activities (obviously depends on the school but certainly our experience of an EBD school was that it was a positive place where the children were happy). A parent yesterday said her son referred to his EBD school as an "elite" rather than a "special" school which I loved and reported it back to ds1 who resents not being in mainstream even though he knows his specialist school is a much better fit for him. We found that behaviour at home improved enormously when their needs were met at school.

I would also recommend doing as much research as you can yourself on management strategies for kids with AS. There is a great anger management course run by NAS which gives lots of descalation techniques and tips for avoiding aggression. We find that big punishments do not work if the behaviour is due to stress - and your dss will be stressed if he is having problems at school and homelife is changing with the arrival of the new baby. We tend to try reducing demands as far as possible and if punishments are required keep these small and manageable and this works better for us. You may also find that because of your pregnancy you are less tolerant to small things than normal (I find my patience goes if I am feeling ill) and this will again affect your dss as the rules have changed. dh and I try to take over if we feel the other is getting too stressed to deal with the situation calmly enough.

Some people do manage to get useful help from CAMHS but we did not have a good experience. Social Services may be another avenue of help and support if you can get them interested - school and the police may already have made a referral in the circumstances - they referred us for example to Spurgeons for behaviour management advice and for respite. Most areas have something called "Youth targeting support" which help children at risk of offending which again might give you some help. School should be able to refer your son.

Mine are younger but things have improved as we and school have learnt to understand their needs and support them better so there is some hope...

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