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My partner undermines me? Am I wrong?

(6 Posts)
Margs3 Mon 17-Nov-14 17:58:23

I am a parent of 3 children. My oh spends very little time with me & the kids due to work, golf & pub. So I do everything for the kids & around the house. He constantly undermines my parenting in front of the younger 2. Here's an example.
My 6 year old daughter asked me to buy her a book full of 1000 stickers, I refused to buy it as it was a waste of money but offered to buy her a mag instead, to which she agreed & was happy with. The following morning the oh took her to her gymnastics class (the only thing he does). She came back with the said sticker book. I asked why she had asked daddy for it when I said she couldn't, he jumped in & gave me a barrage of abusive about it being ok for me to buy her things then left for his all day golf game. I texted & asked him if he was going to take her to the party she was going to later, to which he replied, no! I then pointed out that he was very good at undermining me but not very good at doing things for her! To that I got called lazy, jealous & horrible. Later that night my daughter was in the playroom playing, I told her that she must tidy up after herself when she's finished, all fine. Half way through tidying up dad came home so she stopped tidying & went to something else in another room. I asked her to finish tidying, her reply was to scream at me & say no I'm not doing it. I tried to reason with her but she was just screaming at me so I picked her up with her arm & dragged her to the playroom & gave her to the count of 5 to tidy up or she would go to bed! She continued to scream at me so I put her to bed! My oh starting screaming at me calling me a bully & I said this is a result of him undermining me! A mass row erupted until I left the house! I can't get him to understand that what he is doing is wrong and is infact damaging the children? My lo now says that she wishes I wasn't here! Am I so wrong?

Jaffakake Mon 17-Nov-14 18:39:02

Nope, you're not wrong. We have worked hard at being on the same page from the start & it makes life so much easier with a toddler when they can't play you off against each other. I remember trying to do it with my parents & being thwarted!

I do have to say though, that you're relationship, based on this post doesn't sound the best. If you don't respect each other, being on the same page is probably nigh on impossible. I have no experience of dealing with that though, perhaps someone will be along in a minute to help.

I'd like to suggest you going on strike for a weekend & doing what pleases you, so he realises what a tough job you're doing, but I doubt that is very constructive! Then again, I'm the sort of wife that allows her husband to run out of pants, never does his ironing & disappears with her best mate for one weekend a year even though I've got kids.

Margs3 Tue 18-Nov-14 01:03:54

Your defo right about our relationship at the moment and I am defo on sttike! So I have done nothin around the house coz that's what lazy people do &
I have had a lovely evenin out at the gym & then to my friends! Something that I never do because I'm too busy with the kids, housework etc! I can't see an end to it as he thinks he's in the right, I'm just really bothered about the damage he's doing to the kids!

LastingLight Tue 18-Nov-14 07:54:53

His behaviour is definitely damaging to the kids but it is also a symptom of a marriage in serious trouble. Any chance of counselling?

Margs3 Tue 18-Nov-14 09:58:15

As he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong there isn't a chance of counselling no!

Jaffakake Tue 18-Nov-14 20:48:35

Could you seek out some personal counselling and advice to help you deal with how you could approach him? Personally I'd want to try that before calling it a day, or deciding to put up with it.

I just think you've got a few years to sort it out before the kids become teenagers. If it's not sorted out by then their attitude will be worse, engrained & you'll find it hard to give them the boundaries they need.

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