Insecure 8 year old - help please!(2 Posts)
Some background so I don't drip feed.
Daughter has always been pretty confident and happy, strong natured/willed but very fair. Always had great reports from school about her personality being warm, kind confident etc so I've never had concerns before.
18m ago my dad died, suddenly. She witnessed me taking a call saying get to hospital ASAP and us having a 2 hour journey from hell then 3 days of waiting with her dad, cousins and siblings whilst we were with my dad for his last days in hospital. Very upsetting and frought time. Huge amounts of reassurance and love given. It was a big shock and she was there a week prior to this when I had to call an ambulance to him so her last time spent with him was watching struggling to breathe so it's been horrible for her.
Fast forward a year and this summer mine and her dad's relationship took a huge nosedive and I wasn't sure we'd make the year out. I'd been desperately homesick since losing dad and wanted to move back gown which OH wasn't keen on, and it wasn't a great few months really. I spent time away a few days at a time with my mum as my head was everywhere and had arranged job interview and house viewings in case we'd move. There was one day where things got quite horrible and me and OH had a big row. I walked away and took the children to another room to diffuse the situation and he left the house, and she was absolutely in pieces because she didnt see it as him going off to cool down, she saw him leaving and in her eyes probably for good.
I calmly spoke to her, chatted tried to divert things and then called him after a few hours to talk and ask him to come back as she was in pieces. Unfortunately he was still quite angry and said in anger I'm never coming back, and loud enough so she heard she went absolutely berserk and rocked in the corner. I also fell to pieces and did everything I could to talk her down. It was absolutely one of the worst things, and still is probably I've ever had to witness. She was hurting and I, we, caused that. I'm still angry about it now. Of course the next day he came back and he apologised to her and explained it was wrong saying what he did, and promised he wouldn't ever not be there for her.
Things did get better with us, and we've moved back to the place I call home. My children have there family around for the first time and things are great in the sense I am happier, my job is great, I don't feel homesick etc.
However, my daughter is going through a really difficult upsetting stage and I'm at hm wits end. Basically she's become mega insecure and I can't even put the rubbish out or go to the car without her standing at the door watching or if I went without her knowing, she'd be screaming by the time I returned. Some recent examples From the past week include:
Saturday following me everywhere in the house before 11am - even to the toilet
Saturday in the car park I put her and her 2yo sister in the car went to walk to the ticket machine 10m away, told her I'd be right back she could see me etx but as I walked she went mad screaming mummmmmmmmmy nooooo don't go - so badly people were looking
School Monday we were late I pulled up and got her out of the car and said I'd watch her walk in, again screaming no no the doors might be locked, then no one will be here for me.
Tonight I had a friend over and 4 occasions she came down for a drink, in a hour. Friend went after hour, I got in bath she then came to bathroom.
Sunday playing downstairs and I was in upstairs bathroom taking a hot bath and she comes up to pee, I ask her why not use downstairs loo - hmm I forgot we had a loo down there.
This is just examples. I'm told she's happy and settled in her new school, and has friends. She is happy going to school, clubs and sleepovers.
I asked her again this week what the problem was and how she felt. She said she feels do sad still about her grandad, and she thinks me or her dad will leave her and her baby sister alone in the house one day and leave forever she also admitted that she has dreams about her 12yo brother going into hospital and dying after 3 days. So she's clearly completely overwhelmed and to he honest so am I. I have reassured her so much, I admit I've not always been calm as I find it so draining. I feel guilty. I don't want my daughter feeling this way it makes me feel so so sad for her that she is carrying all this on her little shoulders.
When I was 11 my friend was killed and I went through a stage for a long time of feeling so insecure I couldn't leave my mum be. It made mum do get opposite and she must've felt suffocated. So I felt quite insecure and as a consequence I made bad choices in my teens with the opposite sex as I went for the wrong type and under valued myself. I never want this for her. I want her to be confided bet secure and happy.
If you've managed to read all this then thank you! Any help would be amazing.
It sounds to me as if she would benefit from some professional help - is therapy an option?
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