Worrying or normal?

[pippajw]

Hi. I was widowed last April and have two children, a daughter aged 11 and a son aged 6. My daughter has always picked on her younger brother but lately it really seems to have come to a head. She is constantly on his case: telling him what to do, telling him off if he does something she perceives is wrong and worst of all being violent towards him for the smallest of reasons, or sometimes no reason at all. I always ascertain the facts before wading in, but invariably it's my daughter that I have to tell off/punish. I've tried every way of dealing with it that I can think of but nothing seems to be working and we're in this horrible vicious circle. She does something to him, I defend him and tell her off, she's in a bad mood and does something to him etc etc. We had counselling as a family when my husband died as I thought it might be an outlet for her anger and upset, but that didn't really seem to help a great deal. I don't know if this is normal sibling rivalry, normal behaviour for an 11 year old as it's a time in her life of many changes (school and the onset of puberty, as well as her bereavement) or whether it's something more than that and something to be worried about and try to tackle. I don't know what to do and it's really starting to get me down. Any help or advice you could give would be very, very welcome. Thank you.

[BackforGood]

Not much advice I'm afraid, but hope this bumps it so someone more knowledgeable comes along.
Sorry for your loss, that must be very difficult for you
My dc are the other way round - the older one is the boy, but they have regularly fought and wound each other up, so I can see this can just be a 'sibling' thing.
Equally, my elder dd really changed virtually from her 11th birthday... I put it down to hormones, and, talking to other parents, it does seem a common time for girls' characters to go through a bit of a wobbly patch., ao again, quite a 'normal pattern' of development.
OTOH, bereavement does come out in different ways in people, especially children, and 'anger' is a normal phase to go through, and I'd hate to be sitting here, not knowing your family at all, saying that all is well, if it's not.

Sorry, I'm not being much help - there is a 'Bereavement' Topic, which might get you some more knowledgeable advice than I can offer.

[Davsmum]

It could be complicated, so you may need some professional help/counselling but losing her Dad could have had a big effect on her.
I should think your DD needs lots of love and reasurance generally, but she also needs firmness as regards to hitting her brother or for picking on him.
It is not her place to tell him off or what to do so you need to discuss this with her and impose firm consequences every time she does this.
An 11 year old should not be like this with a 6 year old, whether they are approaching puberty or changing schools or whatever.

Don't 'try everything' - try one thing as regaards to comsequences and stick to it.

Perhaps you could have a talk with her when things are calm to find out why she does this?