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4 year old ds spits, kicks and hits since me and the father split

(9 Posts)
xmummyof3x Mon 10-Nov-14 02:46:11

Hi hoping someone can help.My ds has stared having really bad tantrums where he spits at me, kicks, hits and calls me names. I don't know if it has something to do with me a there dad splitting up and if it does how can I stop him doing it. He kicks off at nothing like tonight because I put another cover over him while he was sleeping to make sure he was warm he woke up and had a full blow screaming tantrum spitting in my face. Ibe done things like put him in his room took away toys but nothing works. I would just like some advice please it's getting me really down atm. Thank you

Mehitabel6 Mon 10-Nov-14 07:18:06

He is a very unhappy, angry little boy-reacting in the only way he knows. Have you and his father sat down together with him and explained? Is he having plenty of contact with his father? You can't punish him for it. He needs cuddles and reassurance.

defineme Mon 10-Nov-14 07:26:06

He is terrified.reacting like that to beingdisturbed at night. He obviously doesn't feel safe. Have you told everyone like school about the split? You have to put everything you canto one side andfocus on helpinghim through this. There are age approoriate story books that couls help you- justsearch amazon. Talk it through, draw pictures with him, act it through with toys...all making the point mum and dad are not together but they love you and it is not your fault.

Mehitabel6 Mon 10-Nov-14 07:47:34

I should get some outside help. His whole world has disintegrated and you are expecting him just to go on as normal.

xmummyof3x Mon 10-Nov-14 12:10:36

I'm not expecting him to go on as normal I know he's going to be affected by this. He has tantrums before this happened they just seem to be getting worse. All I'm looking for is advice on how to help him stop.

CinnamonBuns Mon 10-Nov-14 12:18:48

Great 'advice' Mehitabel hmm

Op, you're doing well, it must be so hard to see him like that and you must feel guilt and sadness too.

I would do some love bombing with lots of reassurance. Plus sit down with him and his dad and explain what others said above. I'm sure he will adjust shortly if he has your love and compassion. Good luck

APlaceInTheWinter Mon 10-Nov-14 12:29:18

He's pushing you away because he's frightened you're going to leave too. You have to reassure him that you love him even if you do give him into trouble eg that x behaviour was naughty but I still love you. He needs to know you won't leave like his DDad did.

You also have to suck it up to a certain extent because he's feeling unsettled and that's only natural. It's also possible he feels guilty about living with you and not his DDad.

As a PP said there are some lovely books available for DCs about parents separating. Drawing your emotions does help for some DCs. Give him an outlet for his emotions eg a quiet, safe space or a pillow to punch. Have a star chart with some sections you know he'll gain stars so he can continue to think of himself as 'good', valued and loved.

Be gentle with him but also be gentle with yourself. Make sure you're getting enough RL support for you so you have enough energy to support your DS.

badgerknowsbest Mon 10-Nov-14 12:35:09

This may not be appropriate at all, and I apologise if it is not possible or inappropriate for you - but would you and your ex dp be able to do activities or some days out together with your ds? My brothers little boy went through aggression when his parents split up but this seemed to help him understand that the only changes were that his parents didn't live together.

I hope it works out for you all.

Mehitabel6 Mon 10-Nov-14 16:44:37

My advice was in my first post. Sit down with him and your ex and explain together. Make sure he sees lots of his father. Give lots of cuddles and reassurance. If no improvement get outside help.

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