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I don't like my 2 year old. Feel terrible.

(8 Posts)
Horsepie Sun 09-Nov-14 21:24:26

My dd has just turned 2. She is dc4 and an absolute terror. I find she is contrary about everything. It is not only (what I percieve to be) normal things like nappy changes, tooth brushing, getting dressed etc but also what should be pleasant like reading stories or drawing. Tonight I tried to read stories with her and ds (4). They were interactive books and she spent the whole time trying to cover all the feely bits/flaps just so he couldn't touch them. If I was reading to her by herself she wouldn't do this but she won't listen to what I say or engage in anyway she just turns the pages or throws the books on the floor.

I tried to get her to help me do something earlier but instead of helping she deliberately withheld the item that was needed so rather than us doing something nice together I end up walking away because there is no point. If we go for a walk she will often just take her shoes off and refuses to move. If I try and pick her up she raises her arms to become a dead weight. If I put the shoes back on she just throws them. I have taken to not bothering trying and letting her walk without them in the hope she will understand that actually it is not pleasant for her or me.

I don't spend any quality time with her because she is not interested or makes it so difficult it takes all the enjoyment out of it. I feel so sad. I loved this age with my older dc. I loved teaching them things and doing things with them but she will not engage with me at all. She is my last dc and I feel so sad that I am wishing my time away with her.

I do wonder if she has a hearing or sight problem and will bring it up when I have her 2 year check. I do obviously love her to bits but everyday she just grinds me down a little bit more.

Help!

gregsageek Mon 10-Nov-14 01:21:50

Sounds so hard. I only have 2 DCs so cannot imagine, but do you think she just wants more one on one attention? Is it possible to give her that? It sounds like you have two preschoolers and 2 older (?) - is it possible to carve out individual time, even if only 20 mins, for each of them?

Iggly Mon 10-Nov-14 06:39:31

Well she sounds like a 2 year old to me....

The golden bit comes when they're a few months into 2 IMO. My 2 year old is nearly 3 and is a wonderful cheeky hot tempered bundle which I love. Her older brother was similar but not as contrary. My god dd drives me mad and can be so stubborn.

I put this down to lack of time from me - when I do take the time to try and deal with dd in a more of a negotiation way as opposed to trying to tell her what to do, it is a million times smoother for us.

minipie Mon 10-Nov-14 12:34:03

Is she teething? DD is just turned two and has turned into a right wotsit the past couple of weeks - lots of defiant behaviour/tears - but she's clearly getting her molars so I think I am really hoping it's mostly down to that.

antarctic Mon 10-Nov-14 19:46:27

I had two easy children followed by DC3 who sounds like your DC4 at age 2 - a bit of a nightmare! I agree with the poster who said it is attention seeking behaviour. I think it's become a vicious circle - she behaves badly so you give her less quality time so she behaves even worse.

Hang in there. My DC3 is now a relatively well behaved 5yo - I honestly never thought I'd be able to say that!

holeinmyheart Mon 10-Nov-14 20:53:15

First of all I would like to say that a two year old is far too young to be plotting against you. They cannot deliberately be thinking ' how can we make my DM miserable today'
What you are going through is one of the hardest times of your life. You have a myriad of balls in the air. Your two year old is reacting to what is going on around her. She is too young to modify her behaviour so she is reacting with passion and feeling.
You say you don't like her. Fair enough, as on occasion I bloody hated the whole grinding boredom of being with my kids.
However, if you think that your little two year old doesn't sense your feeling about her, then I am afraid you are mistaken. She knows perfectly well and as your dislike deepens, her behaviour will grow more bizarre. She can't reason and so can only sense that you don't like her. She will not be able to equate good behaviour with mummy will love me if I am quiet and undemanding.
She is utterly dependant on you for her emotional well being. As the adult in this relationship I am afraid it is you who will have to make some changes as she can't.
Some parents get into a downward spiral and focus their dislike on one child and that child is labelled as the ' difficult one' if you don't change and learn to love her more then the poor little thing will suffer through out her life. You don't want her to be posting on Mumnet in 20 years time saying stuff such as ' my Mother who should have protected me and cared for me, never loved me ?
I know you love her horsepipe but things get on top of us when we have so many demands on our time and each child's reaction to the same parenting is different. That's why you see some children who come from appalling home backgrounds who do very well, and another child from the same home, who succumbs to drink and drugs. Your 4th child might be extra sensitive. Useful when you get old and you need help and she is the one who empathises with you.
Seek help from Homestart. They are an organisation that helps parents with under fives. They come to your house and wash up or do jobs etc. Google them as I don't know the area you live in.
Learn the three minute meditation. Take deep breaths. Say things to your self such as ' this bit will not last' .
Please be kind to her and feel sympathetic towards yourself as it is damn hard having children.
I knew from an early age there was nowhere to go in my home for sympathy or love. No child deserves this experience. I had a very lonely childhood as an unloved child. Please don't do this to your little mite. Have patience.

Betsy003 Tue 11-Nov-14 07:46:44

Tell us more about her. Does she find smells, sock seems, odd tastes to be big things? Is she very emotionally sensitive? Read the sensitive child book by aron.

She knows you don't like her. You need to change things around and make her feel treasured and adored. Give her your time

500Decibels Tue 11-Nov-14 07:57:37

It sounds very difficult for you op.
I agree with others - it sounds like attention seeking behaviour but also it's her personality.

I don't know if this will help but I've found the following website excellent for how to deal with children when I've gone through some tough times.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

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