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Can't stop worrying about the next massive flip out!

(23 Posts)
Oversizedaubergine Wed 22-Oct-14 11:23:47

DS is 7, intelligent, endearing and keen to learn. Sometimes he gets so emotional that he totally flips out screaming, crying, throwing things and is out of control. It takes a lot of patience to bring him down from these outbursts and afterwards always says he doesn't know why he did it, other than the initial feeling of being very sad or frustrated or disappointed. He doesn't seem to learn from any follow up discipline that this is not acceptable, and genuinely seems unable to control his feelings leaving me constantly embarrassed at being such a bad mother and dreading having to show my face at school when I find out about the latest round of "tantrums"
If being a mum was a proper job I would quit!

Angelface5 Wed 22-Oct-14 12:42:32

Didn't want to read and run.
Being a mum is a proper job it's the hardest job in the world. And because you love your ds that's why your still by his side.
Your ds sounds how my ds was he would get so upset then frustrated about things the only way he could let it all out was by exploding with screaming hitting shouting, you name it he done it. He would then sit and cry and cuddle me really tight and say he doesn't know why he just done what he did but he couldn't stop himself. To cut a long story short this went on for a year and I got to the point where I couldn't take anymore. I removed my ds from school I now home ed him and he is like a totally different child. He has no out bursts he has no screaming fits and never hits out. Now if he gets abit much or starts raising his voice I just say don't start behaving like that please and he stops. I am not saying his is the answer to your problems by all means. But it worked for us and I now have my loving little boy back. My son would also not want to leave the house so weather it be a outing to the zoo or seaside or just tesco he didn't want to go so would hit out. But this has also changed he is find going out looks forward to days out and the other day even said he doesn't mind even going food shopping anymore.

You are not a bad mother you need to stay in control. If the out burst is at home walk away till he calms down which can sometimes take a while I know. What I used to do was send ds to his room(he would remove nearly everything from his room and throw it down the stairs)
My ds is also very bright was top at class finishing work in no time,teacher couldn't believe his maths and computer skills. This is where I think it all went wrong at school he was sat at a desk and his brain wasn't stimulated enough and he would just lose control once he came out of school. The outbursts are really hard I felt like no one understood and just judged me.
Good luck and if you want to ask anything by all means ask x

sunshineandshowers Wed 22-Oct-14 12:45:51

It is common! How old is he? Is he happy at school?

Oversizedaubergine Wed 22-Oct-14 14:02:38

Angelface, thanks for your reply,
it's good to know it is not just my son that is hard going. You know I maybe should consider home schooling as most of his episodes happen there, probably because I put so much effort into keeping him on an even keel when he is with me!
I take him to his sports clubs (which are boring) and make sure he is well fed, as hunger itself can cause him to lose control. Although any strong emotion can send him into that spiral. He got sad at school during playtime and began to cry, by the time the bell rang he had worked himself into such a state that he had just calmed down by lunch when I picked him up.Disruptive behaviour they called it.
There must be a reason why.

Oversizedaubergine Wed 22-Oct-14 14:04:28

Sunshine and showers, he is seven and his classroom is "annoying"

Nonky Wed 22-Oct-14 14:12:37

I know this is no consolation but I could almost cry with relief at reading your post. I have just had yet another huge melt down from my 7 year old son and came on here to try and get some help and yours was the first message that appeared. I just don't know what to do any more either and like you I am exhausted from worrying about when the next tantrum will be. I feel like I am constantly treading on eggshells.

I'm not bragging but he is a very bright child and on the AG&T register at school and is very well behaved at school and seems to enjoy it. But once he gets home he turns into a totally different child. If I ask him to do something he doesn't like or is worried about (he is a worrier) he just throws the sort of tantrums you may expect a two year old to throw. Though he is also very verbal and is quite rude (putting people down) and sarcastic. He often described people and things as 'annoying'. Normal behaviour sanctions don't work and if it wasn't for the total adoration and love he shows us when he's not tantruming, I would think he really doesn't care. But he does and it is heart breaking seeing him like this.

Sorry to hijack your thread - just thought it maybe helpful to know other people are experiencing the same thing. x

Oversizedaubergine Wed 22-Oct-14 14:25:17

Yes! The most cuddly of my three children and also the most thoughtful, he gets genuinely concerned about me being upset with his lack of control and every time will promise to never ever let it happen again, he wants to be good.He is very critical of himself even when he is doing well.
I wish mine would keep his meltdowns for home!

sunshineandshowers Wed 22-Oct-14 16:53:37

Mine only has meltdowns at home.

We are seeing retained reflex therapist. I would not like to say (yet) whether it has been a success. But I am hopeful.

My ds is also very bright, very sensitive (to everything environment hunger). It is hard work anticipating his needs.

We moved schools in the summer because we felt his schooling was not right. Too rigid, academic, big with no flexibility for different personalities. To a strict but caring school, that is spacious with lots of sports.

My ds has been like this since starting school. He was a bit of a tricky small child but not especially.

I feel I have tried lots to help. It is basically a massive sensitivity. Can't deal with strong emotions, hunger, threat perceived.


Angelface5 Wed 22-Oct-14 17:30:26

Will just add that my ds was well behaved at school the minute he got out of school he had a meltdown and would just cry and say his head hurt. And like your son nonky was out spoken about people would tell me certain people (children and adults) annoyed him,I would ask why and his reply would be well just look at them. He also took over at home telling his siblings what they can and can't do. Which no longer happens, but at school the teacher would ask him to talk through something they were doing if he knew about it. Teacher would often say what a help he was !! In the end I didn't see him as being a help as he wasn't at school to teach the other kids. What was he learning?

Oversizedaubergine is he good at home does he have meltdowns or only at school. What does he tell you about them not what the teacher has to say.
I asked my son why he does it at home and not school and he said because no matter what he does at home I will always love him.
He is so loving also, he has 4 sisters and if I'm upset he is the first there hugging me.

Angelface5 Wed 22-Oct-14 17:47:38

Also as my ds is 7 the same as yours did wonder if he just didn't know how do deal with how he was feeling so this is how it all came out in the end.
It's really hard but you know your son best.
What do school say. Do they see a problem? Do you have support from family. As when I was going through all this I was told it will pass and can't see how it can be that bad!
It didn't pass and I couldn't carry on any longer.
Now I know I can go anywhere,do anything with my son and he is happy which is so important.

Heyho111 Wed 22-Oct-14 20:36:32

At home he is in a predictable world so keeping his emotions under control is easier.
It's not uncommon for some children to have difficulty controlling their emotions. Sometimes they need a little extra help to make sense of them. A councellor may help him understand and control his feelings.
Taking him out of school may just be hiding the difficulty rather than resolving it.
School need to see that he is not naughty but very stressed. They will have a councellor you can access and they also need to put in stratagies to support him.

Eva50 Wed 22-Oct-14 20:47:56

Ds3 was 8 in July and used to do this too. He was fine at school but had the most awful meltdowns at home or more often if we were out. He would scream, kick and hit and could go on for ages over, what appeared to me, the smallest little thing. Ds1 was the same but has ADHD and I became convinced that ds3 must have it as well. I would speak to him about it afterwards and he was always embarrassed by it and didn't know why it has happened.

He had the last one last Boxing Day, outside Hawkins Bazzar in a crowded shopping centre I remember it well and he hasn't done it since. I can see that he was over tired and it was well past lunch time that day which wouldn't have helped. I think he has just matured and outgrown it so hopefully if your ds is 7 things may improve by themselves.

Crusoe Thu 23-Oct-14 20:46:42

Watching with interest. My ds is 7 and currently I am walking on eggshells around him. One minute he is lovely then rude , aggressive and defiant, easily losing control of his emotions. I feel totally worn down.

number2093847 Fri 24-Oct-14 05:22:35

Read 'the highly sensitive child' - good amazon reviews and has totally changed things and helped me understand what my sons needs are. The flip outs are when he is totally over stimulated and overwhelmed by things You must enter in to discussions about how the school can best support his personality type. Also what he can do to help himself. Give them a chance to implement strategies

The book says that 10% of people are highly sensitive. There are things that can be difficult but there are so many positive elements to his personality type too.

It is a big jump joining juniors, so maybe give it till Xmas and talk to the teacher about concerns. Maybe a different more pastoral caring school would be better or maybe homeschooling might help him feel more centered.

number2093847 Fri 24-Oct-14 05:40:28

My DC is also intelligent, sensitive, caring, extremely aware of emotional and physical stuff and the book made a huge difference

Oversizedaubergine Fri 24-Oct-14 11:13:36

I've just caught up on replies, I've been busy with doctors appointments, meetings with teachers, afterschool clubs and all the other stuff.
He is apparently a well behaved child at school except when in meltdown. the only clue he is having a bad day seems to be complaining of tiredness or headache. I pay a lot of attention to his diet and have noticed these days follow on from when he has had artificial colours or sweeteners or even certain gluten free foods which should be ok for his gluten free diet.
Same story at home, he is generally great company but we can't afford for him to get hungry or he loses the plot completely. All snacks and meals have to be planned before we leave the house for a day out.
Turns out his annoying classroom plays relaxing music in the background and this is torture for him.
I am certainly going to read that book about sensitive children. I just wish I knew why he is the way he is. You know, is it all my fault?
I have considered changing his school but I wonder if the stress of making new friends and learning new routines might be too much for him. He doesn't cope well with change, but then again I like to imagine when he is better making a fresh start because people are so judgemental over behaviour issues, whatever their cause.

mummytime Fri 24-Oct-14 11:33:44

Can you get him ear defenders?
I would suggest you try the following:
1) Read the Special needs area here
2) Talk to his teacher and the SENCO about his sensory issues (eg. relaxing music = nails scrapping on the blackboard)
3) You are not alone .

It is so hard when they only have "incidents" at school and then school ask you for advice on how to deal with them. I've been there and my view after a while was "how do I know, it doesn't happen at home".

Oversizedaubergine Fri 24-Oct-14 14:09:12

I've been looking at the special needs section and realise that our problems are tiny compared to what some people are facing daily.
I know I am not alone in wanting to understand and help my son to the best of my ability.Some days it just feels like a lonely struggle.
I have made a long list to bring to my gp, and I had to write it down because otherwise I would forget. I have tried to include all the things that he complains of and when they happen. We shall see, I'm hoping for a magic wand rather than a pat on the head!

mummytime Fri 24-Oct-14 17:53:12

Oh don't be intimidated by some peoples struggles, its quite a friendly place, and the only place to find out things like: you can buy a toothpaste from Amazon which doesn't have much "taste".

If your GP doesn't know much, do ask for a referral to a paediatrician.

Oversizedaubergine Fri 24-Oct-14 18:56:42

GP reckons there is more than one thing going on and has reffered us to a paediatrician. I hope that is a step towards getting some answers.

mummytime Fri 24-Oct-14 20:18:05

Sounds like you have a good GP!
Hopefully the Paediatrician will be good and experienced and be able to help/assess.

number2093847 Fri 24-Oct-14 20:52:44

The highly sensitive child book is written by elain arun. Do buy it, I think it would be so helpful and positive

My sensitive child was born sensitive. Maybe its genetic because I'm also sensitive? Initially for the first few years I thought I'd one something wrong despite parenting him the same as my other three - he was just different.

Low level music in a class room would drive me batty

What other things are going on? You said that he struggles with change

Oversizedaubergine Tue 02-Dec-14 10:17:47

I don't know if any of you helpful folks are interested in follow up, but I was re-reading this post to see if I could get an idea how long I've been waiting for the paediatrician. I'm still waiting. I am also waiting for the school to get an educational psychologist (their idea) In the meantime he has been back to the optician and had a stronger tint in his glasses as he was still troubled by visual disturbances. While we were there I spoke about his sensitivity to noise and we are on a waiting list for auditory training programme.In the meantime earplugs were recommended to filter background noise. His reading has come on leaps and bounds with his new glasses but school are being unco-operative about letting him wear the earplugs. When he does wear them he says it makes things 5 out of ten better, but bad smells bother him when wearing them. It also turned out that school had put him on reading books he did two years ago so I am quite sure this had a hand in his poor self esteem. I am now setting things in motion for a school move as they seem reluctant to believe that he can be clever and struggling at the same time.If another school can't work better for him I guess I will have to take the plunge into homeschooling, my only fear is that his socialisation may suffer as I am not the most outgoing person in the world! On the whole I think I am over the embarrassment. Reading the highly sensitive child helped with that. I also read the out of sync child, parts of which could have been written about my son. The only thing I can't understand is if children like mine are more common than I thought why can't society as a whole be more accepting.

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