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Advice please don't judge, wits end.

(94 Posts)
wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:20:00

My son started a fire near a garage yesterday.
I drove him to the police station in the hope they would have a word. No officers available.
Got home and he ran off, returning late at night. He's 12.
This morning he got up and was told he was grounded, told to tidy the garden, he ran off. He stood at the front window tossin the V, blatant defiance.
When I finally it him in he wanted to ring dad (we are seperated) I'd email dad earlier explainin the situation and asked him to support me.
Son said "mums a knob, she shouted at me"
All dad could manage was "tell her I she shouts again I'll come up tree and smash her face in"
I can't explain his behaviour other than complete defiance. Nobody else matters and he doesn't give a shit about the consequences. He's hit me and kicked a door off.
Dp has left, told me to ring him when son has gone. We just can't take anymore.
I've rung the police who couldn't send anyone out as it didn't really warrant an officer and there aren't any pcso's on duty.
I've runs emergency childrens services who said to let him clam down and they'll call me back later.
Ie done nothing but cry for the last hour, he keeps coming back to the house, goading and kicking off.
I know tomorrow morning it's going to be the same when he refuses to go to school.
I'm ill with it.
Advice and hand hold please.

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:20:59

Excuse the speeding mistakes! Typing through tears on a stupid phone!

PinkSquash Sun 21-Sep-14 14:22:31

How old is he? No judgment from me. brewthanks

3littlefrogs Sun 21-Sep-14 14:26:38

Oh you poor thing.
No advice that I can think of at the moment, but just wanted to offer a bit of sympathy.
Do you have any family support at all? Anywhere?

It sounds as if your son's father is a major cause of the problem.

I have a friend who had awful trouble with her Ds and she sent him to live with an uncle in another country. It worked wonders.

Maybe a bit drastic, but do you have any family who might step in and take him for a while?

Very disappointing response from the police.

DiaDuit Sun 21-Sep-14 14:26:46

Oh op thats really hard! I am amazed the police wouldnt send anyone especiay after him starting a fire. Surely they would want to get involved with that? Did the garage call the police too?

DiaDuit Sun 21-Sep-14 14:28:01

Is there anything that could have triggered the behaviour? New school/friends/partner moving in? Anythjng you could link it up with?

Timeforabiscuit Sun 21-Sep-14 14:28:39

Absolutely no judgement here either!

Hand to hold, do whatever you need to get through today in one piece, are there any siblings?

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 21-Sep-14 14:28:44

Sorry you're having such a terrible time with him OP. I had similar behaviour from DS1 when XH and I split. Have you been separated long? Have you got anyone in RL you can talk to?

Holding your hand.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 21-Sep-14 14:30:20

PS Absolutely not judging - my DS was a right little B - they know exactly what buttons to press.

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:30:39

The lady who owned the garage did after I asked her to, suppose they still might come out.
I have family but they all live near dad and he would just go back.
He's on the at risk register because of dad, emotional abuse. Ss have stood back now because he's considered safe with me. I have a prohibited steps order preventing dad from having him. I'm wondering if gettin it was a bad move.
This morning all I wanted was social services to come and take him away. How bad is that? How awful does that make me?

Wow. Does sound as if his dad is a big part of the problem. Can you access anything through school? Surely the school refusal can be used to trigger a referral? Probably you've already done that?

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:38:20

He lived with dad up until a few weeks ago. Dad kicked him out so he could go on holiday with his new squeeze.
His behaviour there was no better, fires, vandalism, smoking etc, although I've only just found out about all this, dad told me nothing.
Son is excellent at playin us off against each other as well.

Goldmandra Sun 21-Sep-14 14:42:23

I agree that your ex is contributing significantly to this problem. Do you have a record of his threat to smash your face in? I would report this to the police for a start.

It is a disappointing response from the police. I would keep asking, especially tomorrow during office hours when there may be someone on duty who deals with youth liaison or crime prevention.

In the meantime try to ignore the attention seeking behaviour. Withdraw all privileges including screen time, pocket money, lifts anywhere, etc. he can earn them all back by behaving appropriately. Make this reasonably easy for him to achieve so he feels motivated.

How is your relationship with his school? They will be concerned about having a potential arsonist on the premises so use this to get them to support you. Does he habitually refuse school? What support is in place to manage that?

This sounds horribly stressful.

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:50:33

School have been amazing, even comin to collect him from home when he's refused.
Problem is I live in a different borough to dad and his school is still near dad so he's later everyday as I have two others to get to school. School have put him on exceptional circumstances an we are currently in the process of having him move on a trial basis to one near me. I don't think now in hind sigh this would do him any favours, although as it stands now, I've no choice. He can't be late for the next 4 years.
I know it sounds awful, the way I feel now, I don't want him here. How bad is that!? I dad is really bad for him and I don't want that either. I want to enjoy my children, I want to love and nurture them, have fun with them and be silly. At the moment I'm not feeling that. I hate every waking moment right now.

DiaDuit Sun 21-Sep-14 14:52:04

sad

What a sack of shit his dad is. Poor kid. No wonder he's acting out. I agree to keep trying with the police and also with SS and the school. Report the thread against you by his dad officially. Report every incident. You are going to have to be really strong and firm to get a handle on this. It is going to be tough and no telling for how long but for your son's sake it needs to happen. Ignore the playing you off against his dad. Remove his phone, internet access, all priviledges and work out a plan/rules for earning them back. Set out clear expectations for behaviour and consequences for unacceptable behaviour. Your partner doesnt sound like any support right now so i thjnk maybe better he isnt there for the time being. You need people around you who will back you up and support you with your son.

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 14:54:00

Thank you!
Any tips on the plan to put in place? I've removed phone, TV and play station from the bedroom today.

SlicedAndDiced Sun 21-Sep-14 14:55:09

I'm sorry op that sounds so hard! flowers

No judging here.

Could I ask why ds lived with his Dad before?

DiaDuit Sun 21-Sep-14 14:57:42

I would try and keep the plan in positive language. So think of what behviours you want rather than what you dont want. You want manners and pleasant tones when speaking. Helpful to you and siblings, soory i just have to nip out right now but i promise i will come back. And oter helpful people will be along soon im sure.

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 15:03:03

He stayed with dad because when I told dad I wanted to leave, dad was so upset he threatened to commit suicide, he sent us all a text and son received the same. That's what I put it down to anyway. We found him up a tree in the woods.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 21-Sep-14 15:03:55

I'm glad you're getting support from the school. It sounds as if it would be best for him to be at a school nearer your home - you'll be able to get there more easily, as will he.

I hate having to say this right now, but it's likely he'll be a challenge all the way through his teens. You've been strong so far and managed to get the support of the school etc and you'll need to keep on being strong - it's such a tough call, I know, I've been there and been ready to strangle DS1 at times, but we've got through it and it was a long haul. My best friend has an equally trying time with her DS1 (15) and that's with her DH's support! Sometimes you'll be at the end of your tether, but, with friends and support around you, you'll get there.

A lot of the issues are likely to stem from his Dad's behaviour - perhaps when things have calmed down a bit, you can look at finding activities for him where he'll get involved with other boys/men - football, rugby, swimming etc - anything that'll instill some self-discipline and require team effort and cooperation? Find him some good role models .... I know that'll seem a long way off right now.

thanks

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 21-Sep-14 15:07:52

Sorry, that took me a long time to type...

So SS are right that you're the steadying influence - you're the one he can rely on OP. Sadly that means you'll get a lot of his anger sad

DollyTwat Sun 21-Sep-14 15:29:33

Op I have a 12 yr old who is as challenging as yours. It's heartbreaking isn't it

Ds1 went to live with his dad at the beginning of the summer, it was the best thing that happened to all of us. He came back about 3 weeks ago

He's started with the defiant behaviour again, refusing to go to bed, getting physical with me to the point I really really dislike him

But because his dad has now experienced this too, he's supporting me. It's made a huge difference to me. Not so much ds1 yet

I don't know what to tell you or advise you as I have no idea either. I'm sending firm though. I won't accept the behaviour

So big hugs from me, it's awful and exhausting

wanderingwilma Sun 21-Sep-14 15:46:40

As much as it's pained me, I've asked dad for help. He's refused. He told me in no uncertain terms it was now my problem not his, although he's happy to make threats over the phone. I expect tomorrow he'll be into social and services and the school to find out what's gone on the last week he's been sunning himself on holiday, playing the doting dad. What he doesn't realise is that if he just pulled his finger out and helped, even by having them now and again this wouldn't happen.

DollyTwat Sun 21-Sep-14 16:00:01

I know your frustration. My ex has been the same as yours for 9 years. When ds1 was with him I supported him and tried to be the kind of co parent I wished he was

It's worked in my case

If you could just get your ex to see that it's doing your son no favours and on this one thing he needs to be an adult

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 21-Sep-14 16:00:15

Is there anyone else that can help you OP? My concern is that his behaviour may keep deteriorating every time he sees his Dad and that you'll get the brunt of it. Any friends locally, someone you can offload to?

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