my 5 year old: everybody hates me

(4 Posts)
YnysUchaf Fri 18-Jul-14 20:14:38

Hi all
My 5 year old is very gregarious and loves other children. She started school September 2013 and settled really well. at school drop off I hear her friends calling her over to play and she seems liked. But nearly every day and at birthday parties, something always goes wrong and more than one of her friends will come to tell me that she has hit or pushed them or been rude.
we started a star reward chart which seemed to work for a while but we have come back from another party today where I witnessed yet more defensive behaviour from her.
I asked her why and it seems that the slightest 'look' from another child is enough to make her feel excluded and then she becomes really angry. I am awlays moved by how quickly the other girls involved forgive her. Most of the time within minutes they are calling her back to join in and play.
Obviously I have tried talking to her, she just says that they all hate her. One reason she gave was that they don't like her hair! It is very fine and won't go into bunches as the other girls' hair and when I ask if they have actually said that to her she goes quiet. Is this stuff she is just imagining herself?
I am at my wits end because it makes me so sad and angry. angry when I try to discipline her.
Any words of encouragement greatly appreciated!

Misfitless Sat 19-Jul-14 10:25:50

Give her strategies to cope, such as ..if she feels that someone has looked at her in an unkind way, teach her to look the other way.

Also explain that they might not have meant to upset her in the first place.

Can you teach her that it is her reaction rather than the way that a child looks at her, that is the problem.

We all get looked at like that from time to time, but if we learn how to deal with it, it won't ruin our day, and we won't end up getting into trouble...she's only young, but she might be able to understand that.

I wouldn't worry, I'm sure that with your help she will learn to be more resilient, and given time, there'll be more of these sorts of episodes.

I'd give her lots of praise after the next party, if there are fewer incidents.

Also, bear in mind, that it might be the case of half of one..some children that age can be very snitchy. It might be that your daughter is actually already fairly resilient, and is on the receiving end of it too, but doesn't see the need to come and tell you about every incident wink.

This used to happen with my DS. I'd forever have someone pointing out something he'd said, then when I asked him, it turns out he wasn't the instigator, but he was just never one for telling off people, he just dealt with things himself, but then they ended up telling tales on him.

YnysUchaf Sat 19-Jul-14 10:49:55

Hi Misfitless
I think you are right about her resilience. She is the youngest of 5 siblings and step siblings ranging up to 26 and has both childish and more adult ways of reacting. Probably difficult for her to square. And you are right about her not telling me when she is on the receiving end - only when I have herad someting from the others.
I have told her that people often say things but don't mean anything by it and that if she feels hurt or upset she should walk away or find someone else to play with. In fact it is when I talk to her about her reaction making things worse that she then cries and tells me no one likes her.
One thing I have noticed is she is sometimes a little over the top in her approach! sometimes this is welcomed especially by a child who is perhaps temporarily on the fringes but then it gets too much. Another aspect f her personality is a sort of maternal bossiness! she is forever picking her friends up and hugging them. she adores babies and toddlers even though she is tiny for her age and some toddlers are almost the same size as her!
As I am typing this I wonder if this is more of a temper issue, where she finds it difficult to control her emotions - which of course is typical of most children.
we live in a very small and friendly rural community and I don't want her to isolate herself. thank heavens for my 'Mum' friends because they are quite pragmatic about it and don't seem to judge.
The worst occasion was another party a couple of months ago. When I went to pick her up my friend told me that a few girls were telling her that my daughter was being aggressive and she turned to see my daughter surrounded by the other children and at first she was horrified becasue she thought they were taunting her but as she went to sort it all out she could hear that they were pleading with my daughter to calm down and just come and play.
thanks for your message. I am glad your DS has worked through his phase! smile

Misfitless Sat 19-Jul-14 11:05:27

Oh! Bless her!

I think I empathise with your DD grin!

I imagine that if you're feeling a bit stressed, that being surrounded with people imploring you to calm down, rather than just leaving you alone for five minutes and actually giving her some space to calm down is just about the worst thing that those helpful little poppets could have done wink!

To me it sounds like she's got her head screwed on right, and that it's the others who need to just let her breathe, but I realise that that's no help, and doesn't solve anything.

Don't know what to suggest. Maybe stay at the parties for a bit and keep an eye on her to try and diffuse the situations if they arise. If you do stay at the parties, could you have a chat before hand, and explain that if it's all getting too much, she should just come and sit with you for 5 minutes?

Do these parties tend to be at soft play areas? Is she sightly claustrophobic? i find those places quite stressful..all that noise, little girls screaming, older boys pushing, all cramped into tiny tunnels and ball pools.

I'm coming out in hives just thinking about all that grin!

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