Aggressive parenting

[SW8workingmum]

Hi, I am in a bit of a corner. 2 lovely children but the oldest boy is in trouble at school and interacts in a domineering way with his peers. I work full time so am not there for pick up and homework, have a nice aupair. His father loves them however he has no patience and shouts at them all the time. My son is always picking fights with his younger sister - normal stuff, but is it? The weekend before last his father reacted to this aggression by shouting that he would smash his face in if he carried on. To be honest this is extreme but I was absolutely horrified. How can a child grow up with the right messages with parenting like this? This morning he was telling my son that he was stupid for not trying harder with his spelling. (by the way he is not very nice to me either). I don't know how to handle it to be frank. Husband not an evil person but very needy and difficult. Feeling very ground down by it.

[nomoretether]

That would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid. In your shoes I'd be telling my husband to either pack it in or the marriage would be over.

[pilates]

Your husband sounds a bully. Do you think he needs some anger management to start with? He needs to realise the way he behaves will have an impact on his children.

[BertieBotts]

Holy shit. I think you need to post on the relationships section.

[OriginofSymmetry]

Your dh may be needy and difficult but your children need to come before him. It sounds like he's aggressive to everyone in your family from what you're saying but seems to focus in your ds? You know this is unacceptable or you wouldn't be on here asking. There will be more knowledgeable people along with more practical advice but what I would say to you is this - you and your children don't deserve this, and you don't have to live like this. How old are your children? They is still time for the damage to them to be limited if you act now.

[throwinshapes]

Truely awful and an unforgivable thing to say to a child.
Deal breaker for me too

[BertieBotts]

I think you're right, BTW, that your son is getting messages about how to be a man from his father, and they aren't the messages that you want him to be getting.

[LineRunner]

Your husband is modelling aggressive behaviour and it is not really surprising that your son is adopting it, both in terms of being aggressive himself and projecting it onto his sister.

You need to break the cycle - and this means taking a long hard look at your marriage.

I agree with pp who suggested you post as well on Relationships. You need support, help and a lot of handholding.

[SW8workingmum]

Thanks everyone. I am so down about it to be honest. He is a bully that's for sure, one wife left him already but my mother takes a dim view of divorce and says he (husband will improve) etc. I am no weakling by any means but the the thought of divorce terrifies me and I am so worried about the children. I will go on to the other post as you have suggested.
Thanks again

[LineRunner]

I have just seen you have posted in Relationships.

See you over there ..... and I hope you get some good advice.

[LittlePeasMummy1]

Poor you, how terrible. Given what you've said about your hubby, your son's behaviour is perfectly understandable, he sees being overbearing as the norm, and/or behaving in a domineering way towards his peers/sister is his only bit of power in the world. This does need to be sorted or it might turn into a longer term problem for him. Was your husband's father a bully? In any case, something has to give. Good luck xxx