Why do people have children?(34 Posts)
I'm starting to wonder after 5 months of difficult times with my dd. it has got harder and harder for me with all the crying and grizzliness and unsettledness. (I've posted elsewhere under 'I hate my baby).
I had images of such happy times. Of course I expected it to be tough, sleep less nights etc but this is far more difficult than I imagined. I'm starting to wonder whether it will ever get any better
Did see your other thread and not muc to add
Things will get easie, I know it seems hard to imagine now but they will
Oh god, it is hard isn't it?
I am a right Debbie Downer when people fantasise about the newborn phase, "see that woman there pushing her newborn? You see a lovely stroll out in the sunshine with a precious baby. I see a shattered woman who has barely slept, needs a shower and a brew but pounding the streets is the only way to get the little to stay asleep".
People love me!!
Thabkfully, I also add that once they turn one, they become so so interesting and funny and so much less of a challenge. Dd is 2.3 now and im currently 3m pg with the next one
I see the first year as an endurance test amd somethingI just have to get through in order to reap the benefits of a lovely child.
Sorry I dont have any practical tips aside from keep ploughing on.
I saw your other post too and empathise hugely. My DD is nearly 6 months now and it would be unfair to say it hasn't got easier but the truth is that it's still bloody hard work! I find day after day of having to entertain her so dull and I loathe the crying, which she has always done a lot of. All made worse when you haven't had a decent night's sleep in months.
For the first few months I cried every day, hated her at times and mourned my lost life. Friends with angel babies can enjoy a coffee in a cafe - impossible for me even now.
I love her very much - I just don't think I'm a baby person. Someone asked me today if I'm enjoying being a mum - I said what you're expected to say (fulfilling, wonderful, blah blah) not what I really think. I truly believe mums don't let on how they really feel and I think we let each other down in this respect.
I keep telling myself it will get better, it will pass - I'm sure it will. Hang on in there, you're not alone.
OP did you work before LO came along? I loved going back to work!
I am not sure it does get "better" you just adjust. I found things easier once los started to walk and talk and really enjoy having fun, santa and sancastles, bulding towers, getting messy.
Do sreek out friendships with other mothers, I found that a godsend, and will sustain you throught the whole of childhood, including school years.
Do you have a baby or breastfeeding group, infant massage you could attend?
Also a minor thing but we're coming into the warmer weather which i think always makes things seem better as you can go out for a walk (they always seem to sleep better in the fresh air) or sit in the garden, and doesn't sunshine have some chemical in it that makes us feel better. You're first 5 months have been through some of the wettest weather so i bet its been a nightmare getting out with a newborn.
Yes I do have a couple of friends that I hang out with so that's something.
And yes I'm thinking of going back to work soon. I was intending to take 9 months off but I hate this so much that I'm going back early! Dd will go to nursery and will be someone else's problem! Maybe that will help our relationship. And I hope things will get easier soon.
My DS1 was a very unsettled baby and believed sleep was for the weak. I spent the first 8 - 10 months of his life crying a lot, walking out and leaving DS with DH for a few hours so I could have some space (telling DH I wasn't coming back, but of course I always did), convinced I'd ruined my life, ruined my husband's life and wishing there was some way to 'send DS back'. In retrospect, after discussing recently with my midwife when pregnant with DS2, I believe I had PND.
Once I went back to work part-time when DS1 was around 7 months, things started to get better as I had some space (I don't have family nearby, nor many friends, so once DH went back to work after paternity leave, I didn't get a break unless he was home - as I'm sure is the same for a lot of folk). As DS developed and learnt to sit, crawl, stand and walk, things got progressively more fun. Hard work, yes, but much more interesting. He's now 22 months and DS2 is 5 weeks. It's hard work in a different way (today has been the day from hell, but that's another story!) but DS2 is a much more settled baby (actually sleeps - good god, I had no idea some babies actually slept) and DS1 is so funny as he learns to talk and develops.
I too had images of happy times on maternity leave when pregnant with DS1 and was horrified that it was just a time of relentless misery. With DS2 I can see how it could be a time of relative relaxation and enjoyment (if I only had the one to deal with ). I do think it's just down to the 'type' of baby you get. Some people are lucky and have 'easy' babies, some of us, not so much!
I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it gets a lot more fun and fascinating and as you get more sleep, things are more manageable.
I hope you start to see this side of things soon as your DD grows.
When i had my dd (now 7.5) i swore i would never have any more kids. She cried endlessly from day one and didnt seem to stop for 3 years. I couldnt put her down, i couldnt pee/shower/get ready, in peace and i found her really stressful. As she got into toddler years i hated bein stuck home entertaining her as i found it so boring and restricting and it felt like days lasted for weeks. I even went back work when she was 13 months workin full time hours over 3 long days so i had a break from it.
Fast forward a few years and i cant imagine my life without her in it. Shes such a good girl and i enjoy her being around and miss her when shes not. I have a little friend in the making a well as a daughter. I now have two more ds's who in fairness havnt been as hard work as she was, the youngest is only 3 weeks so i guess that might change, but the fact ive done it twice more proves its all worth it in the end.
It does get easier, it just takes time. Like a pp poster said i think the early years are to be endured in order to gain your lovely child at the end of them. Id reccomend getting out to baby groups and play areas as often as you can to ease the monotomy and make friends in similar situations as alot of mums feel what you do now, i know from talking to plenty about this very subject with them!
Just re-read my post - sorry, didn't mean for it to be all about me, ha!
Do you have a DP who can give you a break at the weekend or do bedtime in the week? As others have said, can you go to any baby groups or classes? Try to get out the house at least once a day?
I'm sure you love your baby, and 5 months in you will be doing a better job than you give yourself credit for. If going back to work early will help you then do it.
That first year is brutal. It really is.
But it really does get better. DD now at 2 and a half is such a genuine joy to be around. We still have difficult moments, the odd tantrum but she's loving and makes me laugh every day.
And I'm now pregnant with DC2. I'm fully expecting to hate the first year again but at least this time I'll know it's worth it.
I'm sure your doing a great job, just keep on ploughing on and it will get easier.
I did not enjoy the first year. I'm no good at babies, and not much better with toddlers. DS was an angry non-sleeper, the kind where people say "my second was like hat, if he'd been my first we wouldn't have had any more".
I went back to work FT when DS was 5.5 months. Mainly out if financial necessity, but also because I'm better and happier working, and my cm is utterly incredible with small children. DS is undoubtedly happier and doing better with her day in and day out, than either of us would be if I was at home.
However, when he turned one, I began to enjoy it much more. When he turned 2, he was even better (and he started sleeping reliably), now he's 3 and I want him to stay this age!
I've only met one other person who admits to feeling this way. I'm sure there must be more. You are not the only one. And it does get better!
Having blubbed / had meltdowns through most of this week, I really understand where you're coming from. The truth is no one tells you, and to be honest I still get annoyed when I hear a happy pregnant being read the Doom & Gloom Act by a jaded mother....so I keep my mouth shut, as right now, if I opened my mouth on a poor unsuspecting excited pregnant woman, I probably wouldn't close it for quite a few hours!
As I sobbed on my mum this morning (I have two 11 months apart aged 9 and 20 months but that's another thread!), she told me if any mums were truly honest with others, the human race would quickly dry up and everyone would ensure they didn't become parents. She also told me we all forget how bad it was eventually hence we can be positive and excited about parenting because our own experience was usually so crap at times we've chosen to forget it. I kind of know that to be true from my friends or family who I know had a horrible time but now tell me it's a blur and they really remember the early months / years!
But she also told me that whilst it doesn't feel like it, it really truly does get better. Not at first, and probably not until you're in the one year plus area, but it does get better. DS is a monster through teething right now, but he's 9 months and is, aside from that and bouts of separation anxiety, now a lovely little person to be around whereas as a younger baby he was a fussy, grumpy, screaming, angry rage monkey. My mum said 9 months is a lovely age and the time it starts to get better and I held on to that fiercely....and she was right, because mums tend to be.
Hang on in there and know you're definitely not alone!
* really CAN'T remember - not really remember.
Haha! I've had a bit of a chuckle listening to your posts!
Yes we do get out to classes - quite often I've had to leave as dd has gone into meltdown. It's so embarrassing having the baby that always cries. DH is very good and does help out lots. And I do go out with my own friends too do that's all good. All my friends seem to have such well behaved happy babies. Crying only for food and tiredness. I get so jealous wondering why I can't have one of them. I really wanted to enjoy this baby time whilst I'm on maternity leave. So much I wanted to do with baby that I can't- or st least i try to but then have to leave as its gone horribly wrong.
After the first few days people said stick it out for a month. Then I got to one month and everyone said things will get better at 3 months. Then it was 4, then 5!! I really hope I get there.
I would just add that I really don't mind other peoples babies crying at activities! I figure that it's to be expected when you get 3 or more babies in a room at the same time - one of them is bound to be screaming at some point.
I found that going to a baby cinema club was brilliant for this. My local cinema did films at 11am on a weekday just for parents with under 1s. All sorts of recently released blockbusters - I saw things like Skyfall, Lincoln, etc. As the cinema was full of babies you didn't mind if yours was crying as someone else's was bound to be too. No one minded as it was par for the course, plus the film drowned out a lot of the noise too. Nappies could be changed in the aisle, and feeding (breast and bottle) was happening left right and centre. I actually quite miss going now that I'm back at work!
And I agree with PP that some people find the baby stage great, but struggle with toddlers/tweens/teens or vice versa. It's just that there's a lot of propaganda that women are supposed to find maternity leave/new babies fulfilling when actually a lot of it is repetitive hard work.
Oh yes DD1 has been hard work since day 1. Wouldn't be without her but really she is a relentless thing. Waiting until we are through the terrible twos for it to hopefully get better!
DD2 though is a completely different kettle of fish. Actually smiles at me with eye contact, giggles, can put her down long enough to wee or shower. Sleeps occasionally.
Meant to say, it's probably not you. It might be them. I spent ages thinking it was me then DD2 came along - completely different. Lifted a whole layer of guilt and angst off me
My DD was also always the baby that cried too! I used to hate it. I stopped going to groups for quite a few months because I hated it that much. I'll be honest I still don't like it now if she makes any sort of scene in public but it gets easier as they get older because you know why there crying. With DD I never knew why she cried not until she was at least 9 months.
What made the biggest difference for us was her being able to talk. Up until then I felt constantly like I was doubting myself as I was never ever sure what was the matter with her. So much easier now she can just say what's wrong.
I think being a parent is definately the toughest thing I have ever done in my life - yes, certain bits might get easier but every stage has it's difficulties, I now have a teenager and sometimes I could just weep in despair (and he is not especially difficult compared to some of the threads I read on here ).
I never wanted a second child and I often wonder why so many people seem to want children .......... and then you feel all the guilt for admitting this.
I went through 5 years of recurrent miscarriage and then IVF and I still don't have a good answer to why I wanted children. I'm not sure I did. But it's such a big thing in life I felt like I had to have a good reason not to as well, if you know what I mean. Persevering with fertility testing and treatment, it sounds dramatic, but it's nothing compared to looking after actual kids...
My twins are nearly 2 now and they are in nursery 3 days a week. It took for them to get to this age, and be away from me 3 days a week, before I could really enjoy their company and miss them when they're not around. It does get easier as they get older, and I suspect you'll feel a lot happier when the LO is at nursery. Don't worry, it's a whole different skill set looking after a toddler/child to looking after a baby, and although you may hate this bit there's plenty of fun times ahead.
(Don't anyone speak to me about teenagers. I have twin girls. God help us if one gets a boyfriend before the other.
Teenagers can be lovely- don't believe all the bad press. I think it's the
easiest stage of all.
Interesting about the IVF- I don't think the route or the difficulty really matters in the day to day challenges of being a mother. My niece became pregnant on her 6th IVF attempt and finds caring for her twins really hard. She had a huge and lengthy roller coaster ride to conceive, failed attempts, miscarriags along the way.
When her twins were born she put them into full time nursery at the age of 12 weeks, despite being on maternity leave for a year. The twins are now two, and still go to full time nursery, my niece is back at work 15 hours a week.
I'm not making any judgements it works for her and her family, it is simply that motherhood can be much harder and a different reality to the one we expect.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.