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Help my dd has 'come out' that is great new but worried now as a parent .....

(41 Posts)
minipoppet Thu 03-Apr-14 06:22:34

My dd2 has been a tomboy from the age of 3 plays football etc,I love all of it she's different and I have embraced her every step of the way,I originally thought that she may have a gender identity issues because her wish to be one of the boys was so strong but at the last valentines party it became evident that she thought that if she looked like a boy then this would in turn make girls attracted to her,she said this with a gentle nudge from me,I said do you want a girlfriend or a boyfriend ? To which she replied 'I don't know really a girl I suppose but that's called gay isn't it.'a huge relief swept over me ,she want going to ask for thousand of pounds for a sex change op but did want a girlfriend....great that's easy.(a lot of children at school seem to at least be able to give a name of a boyfriend/ girlfriend) there is no more depth to it than that, the odd daring ones will plant a kiss on a cheek and run off....god why the importance to have a partner I will never know,I blame TV!!!!

Well as it turns out it is not easy at all and I should have remembered this my cousin is gay and lived in the countryside,unfortunately there are quite a lot of blinkered views on this still,my worry is not at all about her sexuality but how to protect her ,she has shown a great interest lately in a particular girl and is almost persuing it,writing her love letters asking her out etc,I have tried to explain to dd that this girl likes boys but she really does think she can 'turn' this girl the other way,who knows maybe she can!!!! But my worry is that I feel I should explain to this girls parent but this will make them run a mile, this then will be the beginning of the dreaded 'being treated differently' its so sad,dd is such a lovely girl.i am not sure when it become OK to tell people she is only 8 and our villagers are some what shallow ( sorry I love you all )I am trying to encourage dd not to try anything physical too,I don't think she would as she is shy,she is trying the verbal route ATM.

Youarejustwordsonascreenpeople Thu 03-Apr-14 06:54:12

How old is your daughter?

PolyesterBride Thu 03-Apr-14 06:59:06

But if she's only 8, isn't she too young for a girlfriend or boyfriend? I wouldn't be discouraging her ideas about being gay but I'd probably be telling her just to look for friendships till she's older.

mummytime Thu 03-Apr-14 07:15:00

Is this real?
Children of 8 may have a fixed sexuality (many of my gay friends knew theirs at 8), but it is also something very much in flux.

I would not dream of talking to an 8 year old about whether they want a boyfriend or girlfriend, that is far too sexualised for that age group. At 8 you have "friends". You are also guilty of so much gender stereotyping that I find it breath taking. Plenty of girls are "tom boys" but grow up to be straight; plenty of girls are very "feminine" as a child and eventually are gay.

8 year old is too young to have a boyfriend! Some children go through a silly game stage of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" but actually most have developed beyond this by the time they are 8.

And do get me started on the idea of a Valentine's party.

I really do hope this is a joke.

PirateJones Thu 03-Apr-14 07:18:29

It's highly possible she's not gay, the beginging of puberty is a hard time, i remember being attracted to anything that walked at one point.

Onesieone Thu 03-Apr-14 07:22:09

Don't be wishing her child good away. She's only 8 bless her and she may be having a flood of hormones. I was a tomboy and still am a bit but I'm not gay. If she is that's fine and great she can talk to u about it but please, she's too young to be telling people anything about her sexuality yet.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 03-Apr-14 07:25:21

I was like that at 8/9 tbh.

Told my mum I was going to marry my best friend...hmm grin

I was getting 'kid crushes' on girls and boys and it was all a bit confusing. As an adult, I've only had 2 GFs compared to many more BFs and seem to be more 'straight' than BI. I felt more gay than bi in my teens though, so it really can be a fluid thing. I think that's more common than people think. It's been the same for a few friends too.

Things may change for your DD. As long as she's got your support, she'll get out the other end in one piece. My DM had a chat with me as a young teen (about 13) to explain that although there was nothing wrong with me other people had 'silly ideas' about it and might pick on me for it (we lived in rural Norfolk at the time so people really were backwards, despite it being the 21st century). That helped and I was 'careful'. Close friends knew and I got teased a bit by people that guessed but it wasn't too bad. Reaching uni age was the best thing that happened as I moved away and could relax about it without worrying what others thought IYSWIM?

Good luck for your DD thanks

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 03-Apr-14 07:26:26

I find this post quite disturbing.

"she said this with a gentle nudge from me,I said do you want a girlfriend or a boyfriend ? "

Why on earth are you quizzing an 8 year old about their sexuality. Let her be a child ffs. You may well be putting ideas into her head when none existed. You are subtly manipulating this child and it makes me feel uneasy.
You are wondering when to tell other people!!!!!

" But my worry is that I feel I should explain to this girls parent but this will make them run a mile, this then will be the beginning of the dreaded 'being treated differently' its so sad,dd is such a lovely girl.i am not sure when it become OK to tell people she is only 8 and our villagers "

This is all weird and twisted to me I'm afraid.

Let the child be a child.

17leftfeet Thu 03-Apr-14 07:28:12

It's great that you are happy to accept and love your daughter whatever her sexuality but stop trying to label her

8 is a very confusing age, friendships can be very strong and intense, does your daughter really understand the difference between a strong friendship where you love your friend and a 'girlfriend'?

Primary school children should not be encouraged to couple up, it's actually been banned at my dc's school as it causes so many problems in yrs 4,5+6

Also if she's 'come out' at 8, what happens if at 14 she decides she likes boys after all but being gay already forms part of who she is?

Just encourage her to keep talking and friendships rather than ideas of anything more

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 03-Apr-14 07:28:23

Agree that just making sure she isn't crossing boundaries with other kids and leaving her to it is the bet option. 8 is far too young to have anything set in stone preference wise and no 'nudging' is really needed.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 03-Apr-14 07:28:49


Branleuse Thu 03-Apr-14 07:30:32

just lay off her. Shes only little

ThreeLannistersOneTargaryen Thu 03-Apr-14 07:34:39

At age eight, I would discourage the writing of love letters, or asking people out (of either gender).

Although her feelings are normal, she is much too young to become romantically involved with anyone.

BeverleyMoss Thu 03-Apr-14 07:35:24

I am trying to encourage dd not to try anything physical too,I don't think she would as she is shy,she is trying the verbal route ATM.



shakinstevenslovechild Thu 03-Apr-14 07:40:47

My 9yo daughter recently told me she identifies as being gay. I got a huge amount of good advice on a thread in LGBT children if you have a search for it, there are lots of great ideas, experiences and links on it which I found invaluable.

When she told me she did have a crush on a girl, however that only lasted a couple of days, I think it was just a way for her to tell me.

It would worry me if she felt so intensely about one person and was writing letters and perusing people. She came to me with it, I didn't push her, or ask her at all.

Fwiw my dd has told quite a few people now and has had very little bullying or nasty remarks. When she has the school has been right on it. Most people have been supportive or not bothered at all.

This may well be a phase, but either way your dd needs support through it. I bought quite a few books, and I also went to the school for support, they were, and continue to be, amazing.

ithaka Thu 03-Apr-14 07:43:27

Your DD has not 'come out'. You have pushed a fixed sexual orientation on her when she is only 8. Stop it. Let her grow up and hit puberty with the space to explore and consider her sexuality.

Being a tomboy and wanting to be a boy and having intense female friendships when you are 8 does not equal gay. I was like that, and I am straight. Christ at 46 I am still skinny with short hair & play outside all the time. I also fancy men.

It is too early to say for your daughter, her sexuality should not be fixed too soon and certainly not by her mum!

Back off, let her be, give her space.

minipoppet Thu 03-Apr-14 09:51:20

Hey guys no need to swear at me just looking for advice 'the subtle nudge' was literally me saying its ok either way and yes I realise she is too you young to choose either way my concern was only about her physically touching this other girl unwantedly,I am quite upset that some responses came as they did,I have taken advice from health visitor .....why are you all swearing god I thought people were helpful here.
I will leave her alone,I do,I always have- the valentines party was a school thing,just fun nothing meant and like I said unfortunately the little ones at our juniors do like to just say that they have a 'partner'. Maybe I came across too in depth but trust me These are just my thoughts I haven't given it much reaction other than telling her its ok either way nowadays....but my worry was for the other friendship - thank you orchard keeper or taking the gentle approach.....just a worried mum,if it helps my head is shaven I am a tomboy and I am not gay either.......yet!i am not fixing anything just concerned about the outside influences,she seemed confused I was trying to answer her questions.and yes I do need to worry a little as she wants to use boys toilets and not get changed with the girls and the list goes on

mummytime Thu 03-Apr-14 10:39:46

I too would be worried if my 8 year old was likely to physically touch another child in any kind of sexual way.

That is your problem - she is 8!

daykin Thu 03-Apr-14 10:52:42

I think you need to tell her that it's not appropriate to be pursuing one of her class mates. It's not an LGBT issue, it's a social skill/appropriate boundary issue.
I wouldn't be to hasty to put either her gender identity or her sexuality into a box.
Wanting a g/f rather than a b/f doesn't clarify her gender identity. You can want a g/f as a straight trans man or as a gay woman. Or she might turn out to be cis and hetero. I would be very reluctant to 'do' anything at 8.

My 8yo dd wants to marry a girl, and went to the Valentines disco hmm with a girl but it wouldn't occur to me to 'out' her to the villagers.

Paleodad Thu 03-Apr-14 11:01:15

Some very harsh treatment of the OP here; this is not AIBU.

minipoppet Thu 03-Apr-14 11:28:58

thanks paleodad,I am now feeling awful.I am trying to protect my daughter-maybe I have acted too soon but for me this is all new and I was so pleased to find a place where we are all comfortable,I could write all day about her little personality that leads me to believe that as a parent,I absolutely feel that this isn't a 'phase' it has been so all of her life,she even talks as if she is a boy,not just behaves like one,myself & dh are fully supportive of her but I am trying to catch her before a fall.
dd is happy to talk to me openly about anything and I don't just say have you got a girlfriend point blank,she chats to me and says 'this is private isn't it mum and you won't tell dad' i thought that I was doing the 'right' thing by her being older daughter has a boyfriend too,its just a figure of speech,they don't do anything at all physical,they actually a don't even speak to one another,I think dd2 just wants to be 'grown up'.
And shakin stevens thank you she did come to me with it first off, she said 'I think so and so is know in THAT way 'this is when I continued to say do you mean girlfriend? and I also said to her that it is lovely and yes .....^%^&%^&%@^& is a lovely girl but I do think she likes worry was that yesterday ,she told the girl to her face,then it may scare the other child's parents to hear this and then them to stop this friendship dd would be devastated i.e do I need to say something first?This is a surprise for me dd hasn't played with girls for at least 3 years now but does play alongside this young lady.Its nice to see but a slight worry.and mummy time she won't do anything physical yet I do know that of her its all talk but don't you as a parent prepare for gods sake for want of a polite word (rather than swearing),children can be pregnant at 12..... even the schoolchildren were jokingly saying that the two of them were lesbians yesterday......I am completely confused now

minipoppet Thu 03-Apr-14 11:32:44

and what about the toilet getting changed thing,at the moment I have told her she must go to the girls as she is a girl-she is extremely uncomfortable doing this,it upsets her??????

Paleodad Thu 03-Apr-14 11:38:42

have you thought about asking for advice in the LGBT kids section.
You might get more support there.

Kewcumber Thu 03-Apr-14 11:38:58

My DS is 8 and we live in London where I think children get more exposed to a wider variety of sexual orientation, race etc than in teh countryside (though to be far not always).

I think you are way over thinking this. I cannot imagine a conversation with my DS which gave him any inclination whatsoever that he might prefer boys to girls or vice versa. I tell him that some people want to be married to a boy and some people want to be married to a girl and that either is fine but that people don;t decide or start having girlfriends or boyfriends until they are MUCH older.

He is sometimes uncomfrtable about changing with the otehr boys because this is an age where they start becoming much more aware of privacy issues - it had never occured to me that he might be self conscious about his body becuase he's gay!

Just deal with her not wanting to change in the toilets as it being a privacy issue on a more practical basis and keep reinforcing that 8 is too young for girlfriend/boyfriend. At this age they are just friends.

mummytime Thu 03-Apr-14 11:40:16

I think if you think she could be having issues because she is trans gender then you need to look for specialist help.

I also think that her whole environment sounds far too sexually charged. I know children at my DCs school would get into trouble for calling anyone a lesbian (not because being gay is wrong but because it is inappropriate in children of that age).

My eldest is 17 and I would have been horrified if any of mine told me that someone was "hot" in that way at 8. And you would be surprised how open and frank our discussions can be. BUT they are age appropriate.

Despite the media not all children are sexually active at 12, in fact few are and most who are are damaged and/or being exploited.

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