Struggling with all of this

[LittlePink]

DD is 21 mths and her behaviour can only be described as crazy at the moment. I cant control her tantrums at all and she spends most of the day disgruntled, unhappy and hassling me about one thing or another. She cant sit still for more than half a second and as soon as the buggy stops shes shouting OUT OUT! My in laws have really tied me up in knots by taking her out without the buggy and walking her holding hands so now she wont get in the buggy because she expects to walk everywhere but 2 mins down the road she wants carrying. Her and I are butting heads all day and she gets put in the "thinking corner" several times a day at the moment for hitting me or just generally being naughty and badly behaved. I just feel like she hates me at the moment and is so much more difficult for me than any one else. Im a sahm btw.

Shes not interested in any toys or books and her past times are either harassing me for c beebies or generally demanding or shouting at me. Ive put her on a reward chart and im using the "catching others being good" thing which helps and ive gone sticker crazy, offering her stickers for good behaviours but they are soon forgotten before the next difficult behaviour arises.

Im finding it even more difficult to keep my calm because im so stressed out and walking around on the verge of tears most of the time because my dad is terminally ill and is coming to end of things, being in the last few days of his life. Ive got a permanent feeling of dread in my heart and a lump in my throat because hes suffering so awfully and doesn't deserve to be going through this. DH is a bit useless and not being overly supportive in the emotional stakes. Had a massive fall out with him this morning and he hung up on me. He just doesn't seem to see how hard im finding all of this.

Sorry its just a rant but I feel like im drowning at the moment and I don't know what to do about it all.

[LongDivision]

hi LittlePink. I'm sorry that you're struggling. Watching a parent die takes a huge emotional toll, so it isn't surprising that you're feeling drained and not able to keep up with toddler demands. Personally, I'd go for the easier route at the moment (i.e. if she wants to watch the telly, so be it). And I've found my 2.5yo tends to be less tantrummy if he's given choices about everything (i.e. do you want to sit in the pushchair, or keep walking; do you want to wear your red pyjamas or green pyjamas as it's bedtime, etc.). Sometimes just agreeing with yourself that you'll sit down with her for 15 minutes of very focused attention can help.
But I suspect the crux of the issue is that you're just not able to give her what she wants right now (plus she senses your stress/anxiety), which means in the mysterious ways of children that she is making even more demands. I'd get as much help as you can from friends and family, and make sure you take some time to take care of yourself and feed yourself. If your DH isn't supporting you emotionally right now, he's being an idiot, but deal with that later and just give him some concrete tasks to do. Give yourself plenty of time to see your dad and hold his hand and talk to him and say goodbye. It's one of the hardest things in life, but it is in the natural order of things and you will come out of it okay and you'll then be able to reconnect to your DD.

[Taler]

Hello LittlePink, no real advice but just wanted to say I really feel for all that you are going through. I can't imagine how tough you must be finding things but if say under the circumstances, considering just how much you've got going on, I'd say you're doing brilliantly! Plus you are doing the right thing and using this forum to vent/seek advice. I hope you have also got a decent network of friends/family around you.

[Spanglishmum]

…totally agree with previous comments: above all, you're doing brilliantly.
Right now life is being a bit too hard on you because loosing a parent feels like a bit of yourself is going from this world too... Right now you feel you need support and being hassle free to focus on whats important:
However, giving support is as hard as needing it; your DH maybe is as lost with the situation as you but in his particular way. Please try to see that it might not be easy for him either.
Then your DD seems to be a nightmare at the moment… have you tried to explain to her that mummy is really having a bad time because her dad is unwell and that -even she is sad- the only thing in the world that can make mummy happy is her DD! She is actually your present from Heaven/Destiny/or whatever you want to call it. Tell her how miserable your life would be without her right now in these difficult moments… would you even be lying to her??
Children get EVERYTHING that happen to us and react in their very misterious indeed ways…
Be strong and spend as much time as possible with your dad;
Be honest and spend plenty of time telling your DD how special she has made your life;
Be patient with your DH: at the end of the day he is possibly feeling useless inside as it must be hard for him seeing you having a bad time.

All the very best and strength! X

[LittlePink]

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. It does make me feel stronger to read such supportive comments.

When I get upset my DH just looks at me. I say why are you looking at me like that? He says I don't know what to say to make things better. Hes supportive in the fact that he takes DD off me at evenings and weekends and often tells me to go out to a café and have a coffee on my own which is a bit of respite from the whining and demanding.

It makes me even sadder how hard my brother is taking all of this with my dad too. He calls me and tells me hes struggling at work for constantly thinking about my dad and is on the verge of tears in meetings and his colleagues have been taking him aside to ask if everythings alright. Hes such a strong man, hes 42 and a director in his company and usually very shut down emotionally so its a real surprise to have him calling me telling me how hard hes finding it all.

I had a dream that i was given another baby who was lying there letting me change her nappy and was as good as gold and i was saying but i don't want this baby, i want my baby and i was looking for her everywhere. So as hard as she is sometimes i wouldn't swap her for anything.

Thanks for the suggestions. I have said shes a present from heaven before but i need to make more of an effort to say things like this to her more often, rather than telling her off and losing my temper and putting her in the corner. I just need to find better ways of dealing with her and try really hard to keep my calm.