'I NEED MUUUUMMMMMYYYY' Two DSs, one mum. Help!

[tiddleypompom]

We have two young boys DS1 (2.5yrs) and DS2 (just 1yr). They are both sunny personalities, though DS1 is a sensitive soul (frightened of the low-flying aircraft over the house, takes jokes literally, hugs gravestones to 'stop them being sad'). DS1 was only 17 mths when DS2 was born but no overt signs of jealousy, in fact he looks out for his younger brother and enjoys giving him toys and hugging him. I am a SAHM plus we live adjacent to my parents and their father works close by so sees them each morning and evening.

Problem is DS1 is getting increasingly needy for me. During the day this isn't such a problem - lots of cuddles but no real issues. The evening bath and bedtime routine however can only be done by me - clothes off, into bath, clothes back on, book, bed etc. Any attempt by DH results in complete meltdown (unless promises that I am on my way to see him in a minute). This is getting worse each day and now he refuses even to be in the bath with his brother. If he wakes in the night he will ONLY accept me to settle him - again an unholy meltdown if DH tries.

We've tried to be calm and chilled about it all - avoiding making a big issue etc, but it is getting worse, not better. I'm fed up as I'd like to be able to go out without leaving DH with a battle, I'd like to put DS2 down sometimes (and I'm aware he needs me too), and the night wakings are dreadful given I'm also seeing to his little brother.

We used to take it in turns putting the boys to bed, which was fine until DS1 turned 2, or thereabouts.

What are we doing wrong? How can we help both boys feel secure and equally loved, and prize DS1 away from me during the evening/night?

Any ideas would be gratefully received - it's getting us down.

[PrincessScrumpy]

I have 2.5yo twins and a 6yo. One twin was particularly clingy but we did a few times where dh put them to bed and I went out. If I was in the house there would be constant calls for me. She cried when I left then dh distracted them with a book (he's very good with children so was acme to engage them - didn't get cross and just gave reassurance that I was coming back.) It really helped and then we make sure dh gets time alone with the dc (I have a morning to myself every weekend). It's really special time for dc and dh and really builds up their relationship. We also take it in turns in the mornings to start breakfast.

[tiddleypompom]

Thanks Scrumpy. When did the calls for you fade out - or does your DD still cling if she can?

We do take it in turns doing breakfast. Strangely, DS1 is fine with that - only occasional 'where's mummy?' but very quickly happy to see and play with DH. It's the evenings that cause the problem.

A morning to myself each weekend sounds like a plan though...

[PrincessScrumpy]

They still all 3 come to me If I'm home. On one occasion one came to find me in the bath to ask for a drink when her dad was in the kitchen and perfectly capable of getting her a drink - that seems normal when I've mentioned it to my friends. I do like being the one they want but sometimes it's nice to know dh can step in without the drama. Dtds both call for dh when they've done a poo and need help wiping and he's home - he thinks I've encouraged this but I really haven't. I do think it's hilarious though!

[Middleagedmotheroftwo]

Go away for the weekend and leave them at home with DH to break the habit.

[tiddleypompom]

Ha! Yes, that'd have more than the one benefit I expect - you're probably right. The boys are reliant on me because I've made it so.

A couple of night's away would do us all good - well, apart from DH that is :)

Thanks for your advice. Good to know I'm not the only one who can't even escape to the bathroom too...

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

I was under the impression it was totally normal! you do the bulk of the childcare, he is used to you and feels safe...it's only natural he'd want you to comfort him etc. DS 3.2 is exactly the same, total meltdown if DH tries to get him dressed/washed/whatever and he only wants me if he wakes in the night. I've found things better since reading the toddlercalm book, it just helped me to understand how helpless and out of Control he must feel, he has a lot more choice in things now. I personally feel you just need to be patient and ride it out, that's what I'm trying to do anyway. they're only small once!

[tiddleypompom]

Thanks so much for your advice. I suspect we will indeed be riding it out as I'm of a similar mind cuppftea however a night away with girl friend is also in the offing. Slowly slowly catch your monkey...