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Behaviour/development

not happy at nannys

10 replies

silverfoxapparently · 16/03/2014 11:49

Hi all,

Ive joined mumsnet (im a dad) as I have a problem which im seeking opinion from other parents on.

I have a wonderful 15mth daughter who is always happy, smiling and full of life.

The problem I have is that whenever we go and visit my mum at her house she has real bad seperation anxiety and doesnt play that much. She doesnt really smile and is visibly not confident.

I know this is linked to an incident where my mum and brother started a completely unprovoked arguement with me. I was holding my daughter who was crying with teething. During this arguement my brother even threatened to hit me, telling me to put baby down, etc. My daughter became extremely distressed and I ended up walking out the house.

This matter has all been dealt with within the family (i will never forgive them and they know this). Needless to say my wife was very upset at it and now feels distanced from them.

But now when I go there she is as I describe. She is definitely scared of my brother.

Im trying to rebuild this element of life, and the encouraging cuddles with nanny and uncle seem futile. I accept that kids see things black and white, and maybe this is the long lasting outcome of their actions. And maybe im just hoping for something that will never be.

Ive read parenting books and girl specific ones but none cover it.

Any ideas?

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drinkyourmilk · 16/03/2014 11:51

How does she react if you see nanny or her uncle away from the house? Could it also be that she reacts badly to that environment?

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LastingLight · 16/03/2014 12:21

Never try to coerce a child to cuddle with someone if she wants to avoid them. Your mum and brother will just have to be patient. As your daughter observes you having a normal relationship with them she should slowly start warming up to them again.

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silverfoxapparently · 16/03/2014 15:18

She is playful with my mum and fearful of my brother.

He is a very gruff and shouty type person at the politest of times.

I never ever coerce her into cuddles or kisses. Indeed, this is something she must have full control over.

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TheKnightsThatSayNee · 16/03/2014 15:30

Maybe he is a bit much for her. It up to him to be responsive to this otherwise he won't get to a point were she warms to him. He sounds like a charmer by he way, not sure why you want them to be close? I don't think I'd trust him.

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Bluestocking · 16/03/2014 15:33

Why should your child have to have a relationship with a "gruff and shouty" man who threatened to hit her father? He sounds horrible.

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silverfoxapparently · 16/03/2014 16:00

The reason why I looked for advice was because my wife (much loved and respected btw) is of the same opinion about my brother. But sometimes she can over react. Maybe not this time then....

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Goldmandra · 16/03/2014 17:46

Is your brother willing to work towards improving his relationship with his niece? If not it is pointless even trying.

If he is willing to try to make amends he needs to stop being shouty for a start. Then he needs to spend time around you but not trying to interact with your DD. If she sits on you and experiences you and your brother engaging in positive social interaction and, all the while, you are clearly happy and relaxed around him, she will eventually, very gradually be able to adjust his identity in her mind.

It will probably take a very long time because her experience of him is very deeply negative. If she starts to relax and begin to engage with him he needs to take it very gently, allowing her to take the lead and not pushing anything ever.

The most important thing you can do if make her feel very safe. Encourage her to stay on your lap or in your arms and make it possible for her to sit there to play, eat, drink, etc. The more she feels you wanting to encourage her to move away, the less she will feel able to do it. Don't suggest that she interacts with anyone else. Wait for her to take the lead, even if that doesn't happen for months.

If your family can't be supportive about this approach and want to intervene a try to push her, stop visiting because it will just distress her and reinforce her view that she's not safe around them.

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TheGreatHunt · 16/03/2014 20:56

Why are you still seeing them if you won't forgive them?

Odd.

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superbabysmummy · 17/03/2014 21:32

Sympathise! I know how hard it is to have family 'tension' especially when you have a little one. Remember though, her instincts will be more 'raw' than yours so maybe go with it. She clearly doesn't feel safe and maybe with good reason?