How do your children listen without you shouting? I'm fed up!

[littleraysofsunshine]

They're really different at times lately. I just end up shouting which still doesn't help and results in me feeling awful. I don't want them to listen out of fear, or a fear of not getting a reward if good. Please help! I never hit my children but even shouting I just hate. And hate myself for it as it's all I ever knew from my mum

[littleraysofsunshine]

?

[Ratfinkle]

Threaten to confiscate a favourite toy and then follow it through if they don't listen. Usually has the desired effect for us. Future threats then get taken seriously and they might listen.

Don't forget to give it back tho, we accidentally left DSs new playmobil set in the garage for two weeks once!

[Superworm]

How old? And girls or boys?

[fideline]

Practice a deep resonant disapproving voice coupled with a stern face. Really does work. Convince yourself you are calm and in control and confident of their cooperation. Then exude that feeling.

[fideline]

By shouting you are confirming your lack of control to them

[fideline]

I'm not explaining this well. It is basically a fake it till you make it technique. Good luck

[TheNightIsDark]

When it's really bad I get a bin bag and shake it menacingly

Sometimes if that doesn't work I start filling it with toys. It's very rare it comes to that though!

[ZuleikaD]

I will shout their names to get their attention then use a normal voice to ask them what I want done. That usually works.

[littleraysofsunshine]

3.5 & 22months girls

[Glasshammer]

Get close. Get eye contact. Check they understand. Watch them carry out directions. Reward.

[stargirl1701]

Use a touch on the shoulder. Get down the child's level. Look at them in the eye. Ask them to repeat the instruction back to you. Acknowledge (but don't praise) when they complete the task.

[littleraysofsunshine]

Take today: Greta day until the last hour. All I wanted was a wee in peace. Or 7 wo to sleep. Both girls scrapping over te same you waking up baby. I then lost my rag and grabbed dd2 arm and said get out the toilet please and put her on her ed quite heavily. Then apologised. Now all three kids are either scrapping or crying.

Awful hour. I feel so drained and sick

[MyRealNamesBernard]

Hi Littleray! I posted on your other thread about your DC3's fussy feeding. As before, I recognise this behaviour! My DDs were/are the same.

And why is it that that last hour of the day is always the worst?! Mine turn into monsters between about 4.30 and 7.... it's horrible.

Anyway, next time this happens try giving YOURSELF a 'time out'. Take yourself out of the situation - eg, lock yourself in the bathroom for five minutes, go into the bedroom (somewhere away from the kids). Take a few deep breaths, count backwards from 100, whatever you need to just get some head space - and then go back. Hopefully, by then, both you and the kids will have calmed down.

I have been known to bury my head in my pillow and just scream into it to let out all the pent up stress! Better than yelling at the DCs.

My kids sometimes come and bang on the door during 'time out'. But when they realise I am ignoring them they get bored and usually the screaming stops! They are just trying to get my attention, and I am trying to make them realise they will not get it by being rowdy!

[TheGreatHunt]

22 month old is still quite little.

Whispering can work.

Give up on were in peace. Stick the TV on when you want them to sit still for a bit.

Try and get out of the house for some naps.

[vanillavelvet]

Hi Littleray, I have the same problem and always feel bad when I resort to shouting (usually in the morning when I'm trying to get everyone ready and out of the door on time for school/ nursery/ work) "PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW!" after several calmer but futile requests.

I've heard someone mention 1-2-3 Magic before but haven't looked into what it involves... yet. It's on my to-do list

[Meglet]

Beats me, in 7yrs I've never figured it out. All the eye contact, reward charts, removal of toys (DS lost every toy once) and 123 magic failed. Mine really don't care about these things, if all their toys are gone they have pillows / cushions / sticks in the garden, why should they care about toys. Eye contact sometimes gets me hit because I'm so much closer, reward charts are torn up in anger .

Until recently I had a dinner time bell I would ring when food was served. I need to get a new one because it was worth its weight in gold. I've considered a klaxon to get their attention too.

They're great at school. Its just home life that is a little loud.

[HerRoyalNotness]

We are very shouty. We use 123 which works generally. Dh uses threats then doesn't follow through.

Last night after several times asking DS to put on his PJs with him refusing, I threw him out of my room, followed by his PJs. His DF took him upstairs and put him in his bed for the night. Only the 2nd time he's been up there in the last 7mths. I felt awful, but had a wonderful sleep! (won't mention DS2 who was still in with me and missing his brother) I did also apologise to him before he went to sleep.

The key is setting the limits and following through not matter how much they cry and whine and carry on. I'm hardened to it, DH member of the anything for an easy life brigade is not, so we are in a muddle here. But I persevere.

Are the DDs having snacks at good times? My 2 turn into little horrors when they are hungry and tired and breathing and it's like a lightbulb going off, after they eat something, they calm right down again. I seem to forget this though every time, as I can go all day without food.

[Nocomet]

Never worked out why it matters.

I shout, on a good day they do as they are told on a bad day I have to shout a bit louder.

Occasionally I send them to their rooms.

Generally we get there in the end.

[MyRealNamesBernard]

123 magic...? Does that involve counting to ten when a child has a meltdown? I've noticed DD1's school teacher using that method, and the child is usually calm by about 8..... I would probably be up to one million and eight before mine would chill.

[Sleepwhenidie]

Calmer Easier Happier this book is supposed to be fantastic....

[colditz]

Switch the telly off, never ever have it on as background. I'm convinced it teaches children to ignore voices.

[BertieBotts]

Orange Rhino is a website which is very very good for non shouting tips.

But seriously, give yourself a break! You have a newborn and two toddlers! You're supermum if you've got them all in one piece by the end of the day :)

[BertieBotts]

Best tip I ever had was short, direct, positive and specific instructions. Instead of "Stop that" tell them what you actually want them to do.

Also trying to enforce/guide them to the actual thing you're trying to get them to do rather than offering threats if it's not done.

And age appropriate expectations which is hard because much of their normal behaviour at those ages is infuriating and illogical. But you can expect much more from your eldest just because they are the eldest, so try to keep an eye on that.