Children have a bossy friend , do I just keep out of it?

[1000and1000]

I don't want to write an essay, so will keep brief. I got to know a lady through our young chilldren, 4 and 6 yrs old. She has one girl almost 5 who is very bossy ( cannot think of a non perjorative word). I have always found it difficult to see my children going along with what she wants but i know a lot of that is my own issues. When they play together she always has to be Cinderella (for example). One of her toys broke and she came out of bedroom and blamed my elder daughter who said that this girl had done it.

The girls mother found a pony riding lesson for the children, 2 ponies, 3 chilldren, For the first 3 times this girl went first, on the horse she wanted. She has to be first and made a fuss and cried when she had to walk some of the time. I have found this difficult to handle as i felt always she was getting want she wanted and one of my children had to walk. we are trying to make things fair between the children and her mom is now doing a better job of getting her to share. So last time we went the children drew lots and one of my children lost but still she got onto the pony she wanted, no discussion.

All of this has spoiled the pony riding for me , but it is not about me. My children like this girl and they have a nice time together.

So I would imagine most people will say butt out of it and get a life ( i know i am too wrapped up in what the children do and worry about them being easily led, not standing up for themselves.

The mom is more distant towards me and I feel sad about that. She sees it probably as me having criticised her daughter or her. It is not helped by a language barrier between us as she speaks some english but not fluently and my german is also far from fluent.

I feel annoyed with her for not having made more effort at the beginning to make things fair but if my children don't stand up for themselves then why should she even see there was a problem . maybe i created the problem and my children would have been happy to just let her have her own way every time but i have a really hard time with unfairness. I ah e unfortunately said to the children " you need to stand up for yourselves" which i am sure makes them feel they have done something wrong. None of them have done anything wrong but me in the way i have handled it.

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

I would take your children riding without the bossy friend. it's not your childrens' fault that they are happy to share and respect other's feelings- the bossy girl ( or her mother) that bahaving like this will lose friends and alienate people. I would just see the girl less frequently until the girl can learn some manners. Find some other children for your girls to play with.

[brettgirl2]

I'm kind of on the fence with this one. No doubt your 'friend' needs to be a lot tougher with her daughter and stop letting her do what she wants for fear of upsetting her. She sounds a bit like my dd who would be given the choice between fair sharing or going home.

However, sometimes I hear her bossing other kids around and although it makes me cringe I dont generally intervene unless I have to. If they dont stand up to her and let her do it then its 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. Interestingly the kids she gets on with best are the ones who dont let her do it.

I think that personally I wouldnt like it if mine were the very compliant ones. I think standing up for oneself is an important life skill..... (but obviously doing it the right way)

[1000and1000]

Thank you both for your replies. I am going to start doing the riding seperately, prompted by it not being very enjoyable but also because the lady has said we can go at the weekends and it would be nice not to have another after school activity and do it at the weekend instead.

It is very hard having a passive child, the older one at 18 months just let other toddlers take stuff off her and backed away whenever somebody else wanted something and i found it very upseting as it conjures up thoughts of them being 15 and people taking advantage of them.

My friend is a touchy feely right on sort of parent and she is probably doing a far better job than me as i am quite strict and can be stern ( and so then blame myself, have i caused the children to be like this) but the squabble like mad between themselves but never stand up for themselves outside the home.

But she has let her child be very selfish and only recently started to adress it and not fully.

[brettgirl2]

I dont think your friend is doing a better job at all. The passive/ bossy natures are inherently how they are, different personalities. My take on it is both sides need help to develop/ grow up into balanced adults.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Could you go on the ponies with her but find one with three ponies? When she said she found pony riding with 2 horses why didn't you tell her to find one with three?

[1000and1000]

I have asked the lady if we can pony ride on the weekends and she has said yes, I now need to have a difficult conversation with the mom to say that is what i want to do.

The mom is a bit " everything is peace and love man" and " we can help the children all learn to share" but the children are in diametrically opposed places and I don't think it does my children good to be with someone so dominant. I see the situation as a great learning opportunity for her daughter but not for my children.

I don't enjoy the pony riding now and. i don't think the pony lady or this mother does either so it is better for everyone that we arrange a seperate time.

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

Glad you have found a solution. X

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Do you have to tell her? Just leave it until the day and say 'oh we've switched to a weekend as both the girls wanted to ride'.