Parents of Tweens/teens come and sympathise

[Ledkr]

Dd is 12 and in yr 7

I'm really struggling with her to be honest.
She seems to question everything I ask or tell her to do, or just not do it.
I'm talking about stuff like putting her washing away, hanging up her blazer and putting her bag away and clearing up after making snacks or drinks as well as homework.

She likes to be on face time to her friends and getting her off to do stuff always leads to rows.
I end up switching off the modem which means nobody else can use it.

Bedtime is resisted and stretched out with faffing about and endless calling, she has to leave I pad outside room but often tries to truck us by keeping it which when we rumble leads to more tantrums.

Add to this the very fact that she acts as if she despises us most of the time and has just started with major back chat.

I go to bed angry or upset most nights and am totally fed up with her.

Last night I told dh I feel like hitting her sometimes which is obviously not great.

Can anyone offer me any advice at all? I'm no virgin to teens as I have three adult sons who were a challenge but not as complex as this.

She is good at school btw and a talented dancer too, she dances 3-4 times a week.

I need to get back control don't I?

[ShoutyMom]

No idea but bumping for you and also marking my place for ideas. Not a tween but my 6yo is going through a very similar phase.

[Ledkr]

SIX??
I feel so crap, not how you imagine your relationship is it?

I'm poised for ww3 now as she refused to get her food tech stuff ready last night so has to do it now. I refused to do it myself.
Help!

[Onesieone]

Ledkr I'm sympathising my dd is 11 and exactly the same. She is the youngest girl in our extended family and I remember going out a Christmas with my sil's who have all even through this. The best bit of advice they have me was DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

It has made it a little easier. When dd is being a wee bitch now I just don't even listen to the horrible parts. When I ask her to do something and she doesn't. I do the same as u. Stop internet access. (We can log on to modem and block her ipad) if she tries to argue I do not engage. I simply say to her "dd you know the rules! Follow them or live with the consequences." And I never take her nastiness personally. It's not my fault. It's her raging hormones and normal growing up.

[Amicus1966]

I feel your pain.
DS1 is same age and I always seem to flicking the on/off switch on the broadband
DDis 7 and the Queen of Attitude ATM so no idea what she'll be like at 12.
Think it's easier with babies.

[ShoutyMom]

Moved recently from UK to overseas so that's part of the problem. Getting ready for school is a mini war operation every morning, starting with kisses, cuddles, degenerating swiftly into nagging, threats, and finally full blown shouting (hence my name ). Other day we came home from ballet class in perfectly good humour, I asked her to close the door behind her as we entered the house, to be countered with 'Why should I?'. Won't do her homework - nothing onerous, it's barely 5 minutes a day. I could go on and on but don't want to hijack.
You are right, it's about getting back control. Hoping someone wise will come along soon.

[Ledkr]

It does really help to know others are the sane.
I feel like the worst shittiest mother at the moment.

The modem thing is our only power but I feel every day is a battle with little pleasure.
My heart sinks when I walk into the trashed bathroom with light left on every morning because again she's not done as asked and ill have another battle on my hands after school.

[ShoutyMom]

Whoops sorry x-posted

[Ledkr]

Yes the "why should I?" Is familiar.

Can you pick up that towel please?

No it's not mine, I didn't put it there.

I often wonder what would happen if I only picked up things that were mine

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

Hello we have one Y7 and one Y8. The 12yo boy sounds like your DD.
It is frustrating. I hope it's a phase. I have to exercise 4 times a week otherwise I can't deal with it.

I have temporarily detached too. My house is a mess. But I've decided that this week doesn't matter.

I keep hoping thinking it's a temporary state of madness

[RhondaJean]

Yep it's awful.

Remove the Internet enables devices. It made a huge difference when my oldest daughter went through this. She got them back for a limited period for decent behavious.

That way no one else was booted off the Internet, which annoyed her far more than just turning it off.

If she's leaving her stuff all over the bathroom and you've asked her to move it, bin it. I only had to do that once.

Another one which worked was an afternoon of time out in my bedroom. Very boring and nothing to do, unlike her room, really something she didn't fancy again.

And in between trying to have civilised conversations and lots of hugs! Even when you do wish vaguely you had forgotten to bring them home from the hospital as babies...

[Ledkr]

Yes exercise sound good. I have 3 yr old too and work part time.
I'm going to re join the gym later actually, so I can get away from it at night. Grrrrr
She's downstairs now. Dead gobby

[Ledkr]

Thanks rhonda great advice. I'm feeling quite weepy today (not like me) they wear you down don't they?
I've just told her to check the bathroom or ill bin it.
I can remind her on non working days but its more difficult when in trying to get two out the door and be at work.
She has her own room, lots of storage in the bathroom and a shelf for her stuff but still leaves it on the bathroom sink fir the three year old to smear everywhere.

[LastingLight]

It's horrible when all your interactions are negative. Make a list of things that must happen before she can have internet access, e.g. bathroom cleaned up, dirty clothes in wash, school clothes set out for the next day. Then just stick to your guns about it.

Does she get pocket money? When you have to do something that is actually her job, deduct an amount from her pocket money.

A very important thing is to try and set up situations in which can interact positively, because the behaviour improves if your relationship improves. It's hard, I know. I was quite surprised the other day when I helped dd to set up a budget (at her request) and the rest of the day she was sweetness and light itself. I think it's important to sometimes do nice things for them to show that you love them regardless of their vile behaviour.

[Ledkr]

Yes, it does become very negative I agree.
I'm going to try really hard to be nice, I've been pretty reactive the last few days tbh not always the best response.

[OldBeanbagz]

We had big strops at the end of Y6 and the beginning of Y7 but (fingers crossed) things have settled down at the moment.

I just had to take a step back and decide which battles were worth fighting. Is it really worth a screaming row over a bit of dirty laundry?

I don't know about your DD but mine has gone from a day of 8.30am - 3.30/4.30pm at primary to 7.30am (on the bus) -5.30pm at high school.

Is your DD not tired from school and all the dancing she does?

[Ledkr]

She is lucky in that we live opposite the school. Dancing isn't excessive at the moment just 90 mins Thursday and Friday and the same Saturday afternoon.
She is tired from all the mucking about at bedtime though.
We warn her around 8.30 that she's got half an hour.
At 9 she needs to go up as she faffs about for ages in the bathroom till 9.30.
I then settle her and say goodnight. Five minutes later she goes to toilet and calls down "goodnight" I tell her to go to sleep.
For minutes later she goes to get a drink!
Repeat above.
I know she's tired because if she doesn't do all this she's asleep in minutes.
So not only do I not get a relaxing hour befire bed but she is bloody knackered the next day.

[OldBeanbagz]

Maybe you should look at rewarding going to bed without fuss? Make it a positive thing for her.

And how about a water bottle in her room so she doesn't have to get up for a drink?

[Flangeofmingetown]

I would start by removing all the gadgets and let her know until she starts following house rules and being polite they won't be returned. Then do it.

After she starts doing what you want allow her very limited access and then take it away immediately if she starts again.

Get tough. Actions count more than words.

[Flangeofmingetown]

Agree re water bottle in her room but the next time she starts hanging out bedtime tell her if there is a repeat she will start earlier the next day as she obviously needs more time to get to bed on time. So at 8pm the next time tell her to start getting ready for bed and then 7.30pm after that if she hangs that one out.

[MrsJoeHart]

I have three dc's 14,12,11 so far I've got off lightly and they haven't been too bad, but I know it's only a matter of time.

With regard to bedtime would you consider making her bedtime later on the proviso that it's an absolute? My 11 and 12 year olds go to bed at 9.30 on the basis that they are in bed on the dot, no getting out, faffing about etc. We only changed to this time in November and I wasn't wildly happy about it because it seems so late, but actually it works much better. I stop any gadgets at 8 and collect them up, so after 8 they tend to come and watch something on tv with me and DH. It means that we have a bit of nice time together. When they went to bed at 8.30 they weren't tired so didn't get to sleep until later anyway. We told them that if they messed about then they'd go back to the 8.30 bedtime, but we expected them to be more mature if they were having a later bedtime.

[Chocotrekkie]

You can access your router and restrict Internet times per device. I can do it from my iPad.

My dd10 has her Ipad internet is switched off at 7:30 on weeknights.
This is not negotiable.

On Saturday it goes on once she has tidied her room, practiced her instrument and finished her homework. Homework is done downstairs on the family desktop not on her iPad.

[Kaluki]

My DS is 14 (yr9) and thank goodness he seems to be coming out of this phase now. It is hideous and I have been in tears over him but they do improve and I actually like him again now. He even gave me a spontaneous hug yesterday
DS2 is 11 and about to enter this stage and I'm dreading it. He's still my little boy but I know my days are numbered and in a year or so he will be rolling his eyes at me and treating me like something stuck to his shoe.

[AnnabelleDarling]

I am going through this now with Ds who is 13. It is hellish. It's is complicated as he suffers from anxiety and i spend a lot of time trying to work out what is anxiety related behaviour and what is just plain bad behaviour. It is incredibly wearing and you have my sympathy OP.

I am about to sit down and write a list of house rules and if he doesn't stick to them he loses internet access for the day. Top of the list will be 'stop shouting at your mum'!

[Quinteszilla]

Sympathies.

It got a lot worse after ds1 started secondary, got Ethics (yeah right) on his time table, and learnt debating technique.

Now I am not arguing with a child anymore, but with a smug knowitall tween who knows how to debate, argue and derail in equal measure, with the odd WAIL thrown in, along with "I hate my life, I hate you, you hate me, I hate school, I never want to get a job anyway".

[AnnabelleDarling]

I God, yes. Ds would make a brilliant barrister, he is relentless in the pursuit of what he wants. He keeps on, and on, and on until I buckle. I have tried before to lay down ground rules with him, but this time I really have to stick to it. I need a will of steel. Anyone know where I can buy one of those?!