I feel like the worst mother in the world.
My son is 5 and my daughter is 8. My son has always been difficult. He's angry and violent and it has always been near impossible to get him to do as we say or respond to any kind of discipline. He has a speech delay and sees a speech therapist 3 times a week. We have always felt that his frustrations are related to his lack of ability to communicate, though his speaking has improved tremendously in the last year. Tonight he thew a 30 minute long tantrum when I told him he couldn't watch TV until he had a bath. I ignored him while he acted out and focussed on making the dinner. He eventually stopped when a major distraction happened - the bathroom flooded! Once I had cleaned everything up I realized that at some point during the crisis he had given up on the tantrum altogether. While I was putting the sodden towels in the laundry he even got undressed quietly and took himself off to the bath. If it hadn't been for the crisis, I imagine his tantrum would have lasted an hour or more, resulting in me eventually forcing him into the bath.
Later, at bedtime, I read him a story. After, it was his sisters turn for her story. Unfortunately, my son screamed throughout, saying he hated her story, that it was stupid and he wanted his story again. When I had finished my daughters story (which was thoroughly unpleasant for her, given all the noise), he thrust his story in my face and demanded I read it again. I said no, he wasn't allowed. Because he had screamed throughout my daughter's story, and because it was late he wasn't allowed another. It's only fair that he had one and she had one, and now it's time for bed.
He screamed more and more, hit me, and kept pushing the book against my face over and over, demanding that I read it again. This all went on for maybe 20 or 30 minutes, during which time I continued to calmly explain why I wouldn't be reading the book, and why it was bedtime. Ok. So I might not be doing too badly as mother to this point, but here is where things change: amidst all the berating, pushing and screaming, I suddenly grab the book and throw it across the room. I hate myself for losing my temper, but I did. Obviously this made him even more angry. Eventually I turned the light out. He turned it back on again. He kept refusing to go to bed. My poor daughter was getting very upset as she couldn't sleep in all the chaos (they share a room, and this happens very often). Eventually I sent her to my room to sleep in my bed.
I left him for a while. A short time later I told my son that it was very late, I had had enough, and that this had to stop. I said that even I was going to bed. And I went! Turned off my light and climbed into bed. This is probably the wrong thing to do. But I was so at a loss. He had been screaming and hitting for maybe an hour and a half. He followed me into my room, and screamed 'I don't like you' 'I hate you', interspersed with somewhat logical reasoning, like "I love that book' 'daddy reads that book two times' etc. though there were these moments of logic, he wouldn't engage in communicating with me at any point. During the whole period, he would pretty much just scream whenever I opened my mouth, so he didn't have to hear me. Then, towards the 2 hour mark, I spanked him. I very very rarely do this. And every time it happens I despise myself for it. I lost control and I am ashamed of it.
Spanking never works of course, and so it carried on. Except with me feeling even more wretched than I did before. A few times, when the screams subsided a bit, I took the opportunity to go back to his room, where I would sit on his bed and gently say things like 'I know you like the book. I like reading it to you. But I read it once, and I didn't think you should have it again, because it was late, and also because you were not very nice while I was trying to read your sisters story'. He would just respond with a growl, tell me to go away, that he didn't like me etc. I even offered a song, because I always feel like however bad things are, if you end the night with a lullaby everyone goes to bed happy. But he wasn't interested. He kept saying no, he wanted the book again, and that he didn't love me anymore. Towards the very end of the whole ordeal, I began to sob in front of my daughter. I said I was sorry to have shouted, I was sorry for the noise, I knew I wasn't doing a great job that night. I asked her if she was ok. She said she wanted to be happy with me, that it was ok, and that she couldn't be angry with me and that I was the best mummy in the world. She said, as she often does, that she hates her brother. I said that she shouldn't say that, and that everyone is just very tired and we all need to sleep. I know I shouldn't cry in front of my children. I feel like I am a bad mother and have done everything I shouldn't do….
Eventually, my son cried himself to sleep, so I took my daughter back to her bed in his room. She started to cry, saying she wanted to sleep in my bed. I said no she couldn't because I had some work to do and needed the light on (also, she knows she is never allowed to sleep in my bed). She said she hated me. Eventually I persuaded her to stay in her room… By around 11pm they were both in bed and asleep. I am so tired, I have an early start for work in the morning and I still have to clean the kitchen and sort out the laundry. I am tired, and I hate myself right now. I feel like I am failing as a parent, and through my actions, my children have gone to bed unhappy. Should I have just read the story a second time? I know I shouldn't have shouted, and I know I should never have spanked. I know I should never have cried in front of them. They just got back from a week at their grandparents. I feel that they do a much better job than me. I ask my friends about how they deal with their children's tantrums but they don't seem to be too concerned by them. Everyone seems to be doing a much better job than me. I love my children with all my heart. I wish I was doing better by them. I feel like they deserve a much better mother than I can be.
I'm sorry for the detail, but I feel so alone right now and I needed to share my story. I just feel like I am doing this all wrong. That I am a terrible parent, always making the same mistakes, and I am raising children who may grow up to hate and resent me. I'm scared I'm raising an insecure daughter and a violent son. I'm scared that they will grow up to be unhappy adults and it will be all because of the things I did and didn't do.
I am so sorry for the long post. Perhaps there is someone out there who can offer me some advice. I just feel so alone right now.
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I think I'm a bad mother
Jayne1980aaa · 04/03/2014 23:03
I once shouted in my dds face on her birthday. Beat that. 
I don't know why I did it. It was vile. I really hope she doesn't remember. We had already celebrated her birthday, thank god. I felt absolutely awful. I buggered off out for hours and left dh to it. I'm welling up just thinking about it.
We all do these things sometimes. And then we learn from them and don't do them again. You sound as though you've had more provocation than most. Can you get some help?
The thing to remember is that you feel bad because you care about it. If you didn't care you wouldn't feel so bad about it. Or something like that. 
After reading your OP I think you're an amazing mum for staying calm for as long as you did. Have 
and maybe 
Your son sounds a lot like my daughter when she was about 8 except she'd long since talked herself into being an only child by then, so I had it easier in that regard. I 'snapped' and smacked her about a dozen times (all before she was about ten) and felt horrible about it every time. I couldn't even begin to guess at the number of times I shouted at her or threw things. If it's any comfort, she's 18 this month and is a very pleasant young woman about 90% of the time. She even thinks I'm a semi-competent good parent, so I've obviously fooled her this far.
She was diagnosed with ADHD and mild OCD in her early teens, which I associated with things like her school-refusal but not her general behaviour until just now. I'm obviously a bit slow. She also has a bipolar-type mood disorder, I don't think that goes all the way back to her childhood but I suppose it's possible.
One thing that I learned is that it was very hard for her to stay mad if she was laughing. Telling stupid jokes is much harder but obviously better than adding to the general drama. Even if it only works half the time it's worth trying.
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