Help me raise a lovely girl please!(13 Posts)
I know its all very easy to bring up other peoples kids. For example, my cousin has 2 utter horrors who without any exaggeration, are the worst behaved children in the world. Constantly whining, no manners, violent, loud...
I just want to make sure my daughter doesn't start copying their horrific habits. She is 8 months and we do spoil her a lot. She was born partially sighted due to a cataract in one eye leaving her permantly blind on her left side. I know I'll be soft with her as its hard watching her struggle with coordination, depth perception etc but don't want to ruin her. She is already a smiley, content wee girl but so were my cousins two at her age.
I'm just looking for examples of positive reinforcement, how to spoil kids without ruining them etc.
be as patronising as you like, I'm a first time mum and I'm having to put a lot of my focus on eye issues that my brain is like mince.
Thank you x
I'd say consistency is the biggest thing, no matter disabilities etc.
I expect (from as soon as possible good table manners, coming when called, being pleasant with people.
My dd2 was in a major buggy/wheelchair from age 3-7 as she had a congenital hip condition.We made sure we treated her the same as her older siblings and polite behaviour/not being ghastly wasn't excused because her walking was impaired.
This has been good for 2 reasons!
1) all 3 children are tolerant and accepting of children with disabilities
2) I've since developed a neuroogical disability hich means I sometimes need a wheelchair. It doesn't faze my dc one bit!
Agree with weegie. I love my DC very much, but I'm very aware that they will be adults for far longer than they will be children and that always in my mind when trying to navigate the treacherous journey that can be parenthood. Doesn't mean you can have fun or show lots of love, for us we try to give clear boundaries, get them to think of other people and their feelings and use their manners but above enjoy life
If she does start to copy her cousins, there are some simple ways to deal with it. If she whines, just tell her calmly that you'll listen when she uses her nice voice and if she carries on whining completely ignore her. Same thing if she's asking for something without saying please. As for the violence, that's something you need to think about before it happens.
Remember the difficult choices, the discipline, the being a mum which means not always being their friend, is all to help them become good, strong, moral, warm, lovely people
Discipiline where neccesary, love, simple explanations if your are drawing aline bewteen her behaviour and her cousins
if all eslsefails, a sticker chart!! The power of stickers to U5s is amazing!
Thanks girls, all advice is so appreciated. Feel like I'm wishing her life away sometimes xx
oh my goodness you don't need to do anything! You know what you don't want and you wouldn't put up with it so I think you're already right there.
And you've had enough to worry about without torturing yourself that she'll turn into a horror!
But I agree with the other posters - consistency, sanctions for rudeness (time out of the room etc). And I also really agree with jiltedjohn'sjulie (good name btw) - ignoring is really powerful when it comes to whining and tantrumming.
DD sounds lovely btw, and I hope you get to have fun together when the worry subsides.
Thank you Quangle. We are lucky with our little girl, she really is a delight(for now ha!) keep your fingers crossed that she has her own mind and doesn't want to copy her big cousins.. (They are like that possessed child from the exorcist!!! X
I agree with Weegiemum - consistency is vital. That said, children are able to understand that different houses have different rules.
It is also important to work out what matters to you. The things that I insist on with DD are:
- a few safety rules (no walking with things in your mouth and no sitting/standing on chairs or tables),
- saying please and thank you (she has to say thank you to her nursery staff etc and I'm not sure that other parents insist on that)
- no violence, that's not to say no rough and tumble, but no aggressive violence.
- I'm working on her whinging as I don't like it, but changing a 3 yo's tone of voice is a bit tricky.
I'm less insistent on tidying up (though I always ensure that we tidy up at other people's houses) and her use of cutlery could do with some improvement.
The things that work well for us in her behaving well are
- counting to 3 and using the naughty step (this isn't appropriate until at least 2 yo). She very rarely gets to 3 now, just the counting works.
- sending her to nursery. She apparently behaves very well at nursery and I think that having other children to copy really helps and it has taught her to share, particularly as she doesn't have siblings.
I would say (as no expert, just a mum of a toddler) that the following are what I stand by
Talking to each other
Going on your gut and not necessarily what other people say
I cannot stand stickers and reward charts but they may work for you
Get her to help you so she doesn't take you for granted and expect everything
Get her involved in decision making (sounds daft but even something like -which colour socks today?')
By no means exhaustive and this wouldn't suit everyone but I am desperate for dd to be well rounded, respectful and independent.
Oh and play to her highest level - expect good things from her
Model good behaviour. You are her first, and arguably most important, role model. Be calm, polite, kind and all the things that you consider good behaviour and the chances are she will copy.
It's not a cast iron guarantee. Sometimes the loveliest parents can raise monster children or an angelic child can appear out of a Shameless type family, but generally it will work.
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me and take all the comments on board x
If you know what your values are (politeness, respect for others and for possessions etc) she should copy. We have Rules that are Unbreakable - often safety related eg car seats, holding hands by roads etc, but sometimes manners - no jumping on furniture, put shoes & coats away, please and thank you. Be consistent and it's not something new to enforce.
Good sleep routines help behaviour. Mine are definitely better behaved when not tired (or hungry) - as am I!
I have also personally come to the conclusion that those little girls who are treated as "princesses" and given every pretty little thing they lay their eyes on & led to believe the world revolves around them end up being little brats. I say this as the mother of two very unprincessey girls
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