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8 yr old dd claiming to being bullied at school...is this normal?

(18 Posts)
Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 15:27:20

Hi

My normal happy dd in year 3 has suddenly started telling me that 3 other girls in the class are being nasty to her, and telling her she can not play etc.
My dd has become tearful, emotional and reluctant to go to school sad

The teacher has been hugely supportive and we have told dd to keep away from the girls and that if they are nasty to her she is to tell the teacher straight away. The girls have been made aware that their behaviour is unacceptable a few times.

Teacher thinks this is quite common in year 3 as friendship groups change and develop.

The teacher has said we will give it after half term and the girls continue to bully dd she is going to involve the girls parents.

I just want to know how to handle this with my dd?

Do I ask her how her day has been and if the girls have been nice?
Do you think they could be jealous of my daughter?
She is a talented horse rider and has taken in a few rosettes recently that she has won (which is wholly enouraged by the school)
They are making sarcastic comments about her riding ability in the playground so it makes me wonder if they are jealous.

I have discouraged dd from taking any more achievments into school in case they think she is bragging sad which does not seem fair but i want to protect her.

This is new to me and i want to know how best to help my daughter.

Thanks

Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 17:53:51

Nobody?

Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 19:42:22

Last attempt grin

lumpolead Wed 12-Feb-14 19:54:12

hi op i have no experience so am nit in a position to offer advice but ill help bump this into active convos where someone useful might see smile

lumpolead Wed 12-Feb-14 19:57:01

ps i dont think you should have to wait so long for school to involve parents. bullying ruins peoples lives and each day can feel a lifetime.

i dont think your dd has done anything wrong. the bullies have formed a toxic relationship and decided your dd is an easy target. it requires adult intervention.

thanks thanks thanks for you and your dd. she will get through this and will bear no great impact on her future x

Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 20:08:03

Ah thanks x

she came home tonight and said they had been nice to her so she played with them. Can't understand why she wants to be with them when they have made her so miserable

EmC1983 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:10:09

Not from experience as a parent, because my daughter is only a baby, but I remember this happening when I was little. One girl at my primary school was very mean to me when I was about 8 and she was the same with others at various points through our time at that school too. So sorry your little girl is going through this.

I'm also a teacher and would never delay issues like this, they need nipping in the bud ASAP. If school is reluctant, keep on at them, they have a duty of care to provide a safe and happy environment for learning for ALL children.

3littlefrogs Wed 12-Feb-14 20:13:38

My 8 year old was bullied to the point of being suicidal.
Please keep a very close eye on this, listen to your child and believe what she is telling you.
Don't assume the school will help. They may, they may not.
My Ds was bright. This made him a target. HT suggested he dumb down so that the others wouldn't be jealous.
I took him out of the school.

3littlefrogs Wed 12-Feb-14 20:14:33

OP. She plays with them because she doesn't want to be excluded.

EmC1983 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:16:08

P.s regarding coming home and saying she played with them, as a youngster I did that many times to try and make the other girl like me - children's logic isn't like ours! He he! I've also seen it many times in my profession, kids want to be liked at end if day, even by their bullies often.

Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 20:19:31

Feeling tearful hmm
Teacher has had numerous words with these girls. I have complete faith in the teacher to be honest. I just was wondering how normal this is for little girls and if it's something that will run its course ifyswim

fluterby Wed 12-Feb-14 20:24:13

I have an 8 year old dd. It's a bit of a change point I think.

They're suddenly sort of grouping off in interests - fairies/pink, one direction, sports/football, computer games/science/animals or a mixture of the above.

Mine is a bit of a geek and won't entertain the idea of mixing with a girl who plays fairies. I've tried to explain it doesn't matter but it's quite a strong resistance I'm getting.

It's also a bit uncool now to "boast" so mine is reluctant to take in what she found on the beach/the badge she got at brownies.

Some of them are getting a bit big for their boots - they've discovered they can intimidate en masse. DD was on the receiving end of it last term when her best friend turned against her and excluded her from the group. The teacher did in the end resolve it. But it took half a term of her losing confidence, not wanting to go to school.

In answer to your questions:

It's entirely normal.
I wouldn't ask her about her day unless she mentions it - time out if she's forgotten is important.
It doesn't matter whether or not they're jealous. But they're getting to the age where some will see it as bragging. I'd hold off on that count and praise her loads at home.

If she's confused about it there are some really simple good books - Bullies, Bigmouths and So called Friends I think is the one we have. Just has lists about what makes a good friend, what a bully is. It's useful.

To bolster her confidence try and think about other sporty types she might get on with and how you can get her mixing with them. Also one of the things that helped mine when she had low confidence was seeing a friend she really got on with outside school.

I'm really no expert, a fumbling through type parent. But hope it helps.

Daykin Wed 12-Feb-14 20:27:34

this is a very good book

I would be surprised if it's motivated by jealousy. Bullying is usually about the bully rather than the victim and a provocative victim is more likely to be annoying or boastful of a general pita rather than good at something. Lots of people are good at something and they don't get bullied, your dd will know this and by telling her that they are jealous it immediately makes it about something intrinsic to her.

Daykin Wed 12-Feb-14 20:31:23

I think the hardest bit is getting her not to seek their approval. It's easy as an adult to say 'play with someone else then' but part of the power dynamic is the bully getting the victim to hang on to some hope that one day she will be able to a full member of the group. I've watched my friends dd go through this. She has almost made a break but it's been a tearful 4 years. Every time she went to play with someone else the ringleader would be nice to her again, lure her back in and then dump her.

Whitegrenache Wed 12-Feb-14 20:38:41

ok, so I need to back off asking about her day and allow her to talk to me when she wants too.

Not to talk about jealousy and make it about her.

I will def get one of those books

She has always played with the boys and now she is getting older she is moving more towards the girls.

She has plenty of friends at pony club and is a regular competitor in triathlons so she gets loads of confidence from this.

I have huge self esteem issues and anxiety so I am desperate not to somehow put this across to her how I felt, and I am hypersensitive to any loss of confidence and esteem on her behalf as i know how impactful it can be in adult life.

fluterby Wed 12-Feb-14 20:52:43

So am I White - I have no confidence at all when it comes to friendships.

The boys have very definetly split off from the girls this year.

When dd was being bullied I was all for "you have to find new friends" and telling the teacher this too.

But dd actually knew better than me. She hung round them. Told them they weren't getting rid of her because one bully said so. Eventually she wormed her way back into the group. Weirdly she hasn't had a problem since and it's been about six months. The group's changed a bit in that time.

So maybe trust her instincts a bit. Give her some advice about good friends/acceptable behaviour. One of the things I said was it's ok to play on your own.

I have to say none of my dd's friends are perfect. Some are bullying/bossy/can't share. There isn't a "normal" one amongst them. I guess they're all just learning still.

Sounds like a good approach to me. She's very lucky to have a mum who cares as much as you.

jessjessjess Thu 13-Feb-14 10:22:58

Don't ask if they were nice. She might start saying yes purely to make you happy.

LastingLight Thu 13-Feb-14 15:25:57

My dd was bullied at 7 and now again at 11. We taught her some strategies to deal with it. The most important is that you must never show that the bullying is affecting you. Bullies feed on reaction and gets bored if you don't react. The first thing to try is to just ignore it. Walk away and do your own thing. If that doesn't work, prepare some sassy comebacks to comments made to you... "your breath stinks, did you brush your teeth this morning?" / "shame you must be very unhappy to behave in this way" / "don't you have anything better to do?". That's often enough to stop verbal bullying. It becomes more difficult if they are e.g. taking her things and running away with it, I haven't really come up with a good strategy for that one other than telling the teacher, which the kids don't want to do.

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