need help with 4 year olds

[superbagpuss]

my DT have no respect for me

I have to constantly tell them off, tell them to do things or just pick them up on their behaviour

they do not listen to me at all and laugh at me

they have stopped respecting timeouts as a form of quite time and calm yourself down time

now I just loose my temper and shout which I hate and dies nothing for building relations, my dad was a shouter and I hated it as a child

yesterday I took them to the science museum and when dh turned up later they acted like I was the wicked witch of the west and fawned all over him. dh is the main care giver and I work 40 plus hours a week

I need new ideas to tackle this as I'm turning into a monster and everything is miserable

[superbagpuss]

just me then

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

Hi. Sorry you're finding it so tough. Can you give some examples of specific behaviour/incidents?

[TheGreatHunt]

4 year olds are hard work. Especially two of them!

You need to talk to your DH and ask him what works if he's the main carer.

My 4 year old responds well if I listen to him, if I don't expect him to act immediately, if I let him have control a bit. Shouting doesn't work at all.

[superbagpuss]

OK today

ask him to sit nicely at table

he behaves badly, dh ignores it but I pick him up on it

he is rude to me, questions and corrects me (says I have finished my dinner when I obviously haven't and have told him that)

I get him to take a 3min time out for being rude

I ask him nicely, I warn him, I give him warning when I want him go do something, I praise him for good behaviour and have 1 2 1 cuddle and fun time

I know shouting doesn't work, that's why I want to find another way

[NoIamAngelaHernandez]

I have 4 year old DT boys. I could have written your post a month ago.

What worked for us was a pasta jar. They need 20 bits of pasta for a treat. They get pasta for cooperating and being kind to each other or other people. They have a shared jar so are working together.

The treats are tiny (mini chupa chups) and they average one a day, but their behaviour is a complete turnaround from when we started.

It is really hard. Best of luck!

[NoIamAngelaHernandez]

Also Orange Rhino worked a treat for me ( google it!)

My favourite is talking in gobbledee gook to them! Lightens up tense situations!

[superbagpuss]

nolam thanks, will discuss with dh but feels like something we could start

[NoIamAngelaHernandez]

DH is SAHD for ours too and I work full time. It is working for both of us - we have had a week of not needing to use the 'time out step' !

[buffersandbumpers]

I was having similar problems and was in a bad cycle of shouting. I hated the sound of myself. I've read 2 books which have really helped: Playful Parenting ( a bit American, didn't agree with it all, but the principles are sound IMO) and 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. Recommend them both. Good luck :)

[TheGreatHunt]

See your DH has the knack - ignore the bad behaviour. Maybe your DH doesn't think it's that bad? I know that when my two dc play up, I let more stuff go than DH would (he works full time, I work part time).

[superbagpuss]

I think my dh has a lower expectation of table manners then me and general rudeness

thanks for the book recommendations