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Nursery - first two weeks amazing, thereafter hell.

(15 Posts)
eightytwenty Wed 05-Feb-14 13:31:02

Dd1 has been going to a CM since she was 11 months. She adores the CM, though behaves as she would for us - ie stubborn and stroppy. As the CM is retiring in a few months, and since she is now 3, we have enrolled her in a highly sought after local nursery. Lucky for us, we thought, they were able to offer 3 afternoon places per week. So dd1 goes to the CM (& toddler groups) till lunchtime, then nursery in the afternoon. For the first two weeks she was thrilled to go and everyone was amazed at how well she was settling. Since then she has cried every day about going. On the first day she refused to leave the CM house so I had to come and manhandle her to nursery. Since then she has gone but has cried all the way.

My best guess is this is around control - she realises that she has to go, and doesn't like the lack of choice - rather than being unhappy when she's there. Certainly the nursery staff say she's fine when she's there.

But what to do? Sticker chart? Remove peppa pig privilege? Try and build some control back into nursery - though no idea how? Ask CM to stay with her for a bit longer at drop off?

Was thinking I'd ask to have a meeting with the nursery and CM in the first place but as off sick with tonsillitis that will have to wait till my voice comes back.

So in the mean time, wise words much appreciated.

Bangonthedoor Wed 05-Feb-14 19:16:45

Didn't want to read and run but don't really have any advice for you....

However, I can tell you several of my friends are going through the exact same thing. Their DC's have started nursery, loved the first few sessions/few weeks and then all of a sudden hate it and cry the night before/on the way/during the day. So maybe this is something kinda normal that happens? Although even if it is a normal ish phase, doesn't mean it has to be ignored.

My DD isn't quite at play group age yet so I don't personally have experience in this but my opinion would be that using a sticker chart or treats etc wouldn't be the best way to go because it's rewarding them for not showing their emotions. In reality if they are upset they should be showing it, instead change the things that are making them upset.

In this case, what do you think is making her upset? Realising the permanent change? Someone she doesn't like at nursery, child or adult? Not being with the CM as much?

eightytwenty Wed 05-Feb-14 20:10:18

Thanks bangon. Food for thought. Am trying to engage her in conversations about it - tonight she said that she was unhappy, and so were the other children (despite bounding out telling me about all the thing she'd done and was going to do tomorrow!). Have also done a bit of imaginative play using figures of the various characters. Gut feeling is that I'll get more that way - she may be 3, but she's learning how to manipulate and give "chosen" responses.

Bangonthedoor Wed 05-Feb-14 21:19:29

Oh at the age of 3 then can certainly understand manipulation!

A friend of mine whos DD is also 3 and goes to nursery, cries about it now and doesnt want to go. She's decided to perservere as hard as it is seeing her cry and having to leave. She still comforts her and explains it all but by carrying on shes showing that this decision to go to nursery will stick and no amount of manipulation will change that.

I believe this is all good and well as long as there is no other underlying reason.

Littlefish Wed 05-Feb-14 21:23:04

She could be tired. CM at the morning, with toddler groups, followed by nursery in the afternoon is a pretty full schedule.

eightytwenty Wed 05-Feb-14 22:36:12

I'd wondered about that too little. And bagon good to hear your other example.

Will arrange a meeting and will add that to my list of suggestions. Am thinking that we could create a list of what she has a choice over versus the things she has to do. Maybe with pictures to help her visualise.

peekaboobabyco Thu 06-Feb-14 11:38:51

Hi I have a 3 year old and my 14 month old has just started at nursery. I imagine it is probably just a period of being unsettled and perhaps tired. Is she still sleeping during the day at all? DOes she like any particular member of staff? Could they be her keyworker so she forms a bond with them? ANother idea is to arrange playdates with another child from the nursery so she has a familiar face there. Good luck it will pass - my eldest wouldn't look at me for 3 days when he first started nursery at 16 months!! He now can't get there quick enough!

KatoPotato Thu 06-Feb-14 11:48:45

eighty kato here! This was me last year! Except he howled every day from day one! He was used to being indulged by grandparents 3 days a week before this!

It was heart breaking, I'd be sat in my car after drop offs sobbing and wondering why I was putting us both through it!

Every night he'd say he wasn't going tomorrow and how he wished every day was the weekend!

I think it lasted 3 or 4 very long weeks! Then I think he realised no amount of wailing was going to work, he was going every day regardless!

He now tells me he never wants to stop going (even though as you know I've had my run ins with the staff!)

Stay strong, you know her well, don't show her it's upsetting you (easy said eh?) I'm sure she'll realise it's a non negotiable. Is she going into p1 next year? X

Sparklysilversequins Thu 06-Feb-14 12:05:39

I find your talk of "control" and "manipulation" really weird actually, she's 3!

Reastie Thu 06-Feb-14 16:09:38

Hello eighty <waves>. No real advice from experience as we're going to go through this very soon, but my thoughts were if it's a tired issue could she finish a little early from nursery initially if you're around so she gets used to it? This might be useful but I've bought DD a basic sylvanian families dolls house from a charity shop (she'll get it for her bday soon). Then, every day when she finishes nursery I plan to give her something for her dolls house (wrap everything up and put them in a big box so she can choose which thing she'd like each time, things like the sofas/beds/dolls etc) in the hope it's positive reinforcement that she's doing really well being at nursery and it's a good thing/I'm proud of her doing so well. This may of course be utter parenting rubbish and not work at all....

KatoPotato Thu 06-Feb-14 16:19:17

Can I come and play sylvanians?

Reastie Thu 06-Feb-14 16:22:33

Course you can Kato I'm a little excited myself, I ALWAYS wanted a sylvanian house! . We have 8 sylvanians and 2 beds for the house though, things could get interesting!

eightytwenty Thu 06-Feb-14 21:28:22

Hi. We're stuck on peppa - long may the pink pig reign.

Thanks for your support. Love the dolls house idea.

I have just bought a rare Richard rabbit from eBay with a similar bribe in mind.

At lunchtime we wrote down some golden rules as a way to try to explain what is optional and what is not. And I asked her whether she'd like me to come in and stay with her for a bit when I took her. She said yes so we agreed she'd go in nicely and I'd stay and play. It was lovely, she enjoyed painting and I was able to chat to some of her "friends" including a nice little girl who has been chatting to her and talking about her at home (her father told me at pick up time). She asked me "do you have to go now" and so I said I would in a few minutes. She waived goodbye happily. The staff at the nursery have all been wonderful and empathetic so have no doubt she's being well looked after.

Have asked the Cm to do the same next week so we can hopefully break the cycle. Have also got a sticker chart for going in nicely.

Hopefully we can get her on the right track so that she can think positively about it before she goes and when she's at home.

TheOneWithTheHair Thu 06-Feb-14 23:01:43

Hi eighty. It sounds like you've managed it well. I would just add not to be surprised if there is a relapse at times. i still get it with ds2 who was awful at playgroup and nursery. Then he was quite bad in reception at the start.

Things have been going well but today I had to drag him to school screaming! He did not want to go. He claimed he needed a wee shortly after we left (he didn't) and I had to pull him all the way while he screamed.

I think in his case it's a bit of a one off now but we do still have bad days.

You may have to keep a stock of your chosen bribe at home.

Reastie Sun 16-Feb-14 07:57:50

eighty just wondered how things were now?

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