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pit of despair.

(11 Posts)
HowlingTrap Thu 02-Jan-14 22:41:55

I have a 4 year old DS who is a late toilet trainer,
I ripped off the nappies so to speak feb last year, now a year later we having weeing (still some accidents largely down to laziness) and still no pooing on the toilet.
He is under cdc, suspected SN social communication but no diagnosis.
he is under no computer game until he poo's for over a month (not a blind bit of difference its made)
telling off , cartoons turned off etc, I have made him help me mop up the past. But to no avail, he has pull ups at night, long journeys etc but anywhere else pants, we went cold turkey in feb but it was horrific and sent behaviour worse and prevented me from even going to the dr's.
Sometimes with 2 children and less than an hours sleep I have no choice but to give DS a game so I can catch up, living up several flights of stairs with no elevator access , walking down all those stairs with toddler child pram bags, when I can't walk in a straight line is simply too dangerous and is liely to be literally fatal so I have to, but get grief from my DM for doing and said "you have no more problems than any other mother" I asked told her to leave for such an unforgivably ignorant comment after a trail of grief, when she had my and my sister and had terrible levels of sleep we were stuck infront of disney while she napped, I see little difference, a child drooling infront of the tv or having a little go on an game whilst mummy has a lay down? either way its neccesary.
So now I've done the taking away of his favourite toy and no difference, my relatives bang on about it all the time, to the point I dread seeing them, HV tell me he will do it in his own time, relatives judge me, I am now helpless, powerless and nowhere left to go now and now more likely have to become a recluse, I just don't want to wake up tommorrow knowing most likely this will not change soon.
I just don't know what to do.

Madambossyboots Thu 02-Jan-14 23:32:05

Right firstly. Stop beating yourself up. Do your children smile, laugh, are fed watered and clean? Assume yes. You must be doing something right.
Secondly. All children are different and most will get there on their own. Four years old, is not that late. Especially at night. Honestly I know 7 year olds who wear pull ups to bed, and have the accidents during the day.
The more you make a fuss, the harder it will be.
I have a 7 year old who is so engrossed in left she does have accidents. I tried the telling off, reward punishment blah blah. She hid her underthings. I was so concerned and annoyed I took her to the school nurse. We talked about everything, I have stopped commenting and honestly. She has improved.
Try to ignore negativity from others. Listen and forget.
Don't focus on the things you can't change, ie the stairs ect.
Regarding the lack if sleep, this is hideous for long periods of time. I used to snuggle up my lo and watch films, (eyes closed) I'm a very light sleeper. You could set an alarm if you are worried about sleeping deeply. Or can you mum watch them ?
Please don't feel like there is nothing to get up for, your children need you and you need them.
Get out, go for walks, feeling better within yourself is far far more important than rushing toilet training. Get them pull up out now. Deal with that later. Big hugs and hope you get some sleep. X

HowlingTrap Sat 04-Jan-14 11:25:44

Thankyou i had a reasonably good nights sleep, lo 8-7 eldest bloody 10-8 but not too bad.
I still feel very down just feeling like everyone close to me is very critical and theres nothing else, I feel like it will never end,

procrastinatingagain Sat 04-Jan-14 11:36:48

Your relatives sound horrible. My mum can be very critical of certain aspects of my parenting, and like you say, I remember her doing the same things she tells me off for (and a lot worse hmm ). If you're asking for advice, I would say put your son back in nappies and try again at a later time and give yourself and him a break.

nilbyname Sat 04-Jan-14 11:43:51

Where's the kids dad in this, does he support you? You need more support!

Your mum sounds nasty, so just smile and nod smile and nod.

I would-
Limit screen time. No video games at all, except hairy letters in this house on the iPad, and only cbeebies, 1/2 episodes at a time. We have home movie nights as treats instead. Works much better as my ds is a demon with too much screen time.

Potties in every room, up fluid intake and remind, cajole to try and wee often. Accept there will be problems and it will be really hard. Try not to criticise as it really doesn't help.

Have you a good park, children's centre, soft play etc near you? Try and get out more. Big walks, nature trails, den building, river raiding, excellent fun for everyone and my ds loves it.

But most of all, hang on there, you're not a terrible mum, your in a shit pit, but it will get better.

Is your ds at nursery.

HowlingTrap Sat 04-Jan-14 11:44:49

Yeah I agree hypocrisy at its worse, I think people forget tbh how draining it is, i am resistant to full nappies he does well with weeing, pooing is the issue now, i hate it the whole fucking, 'late toileters, lazy parents' crap , do these people know how time consuming it is to clean a 4 year old who has messed themselves.

HowlingTrap Sat 04-Jan-14 11:48:45

we have limited games altogether, he was a regular ipad user and went cold turkey for a month , ...not a blind bit of difference sad

he's outrgrown the potty.

not really nilby,

yeah he goes back next week.

scarletandblack Sat 04-Jan-14 12:35:25

I have 3 ds, now teens and 9yrs, and they were all late to be toilet trained (4ish). I was really stressed with ds1, not so much with the second two. (I think it might be an inherited trait, as I was apparently late, too! Also boys seem to be later - or is that just a myth?) I know it's easier said than done, with pressure, either direct or perceived, from friends and relatives, but in the end I decided with all of them that the horrible atmosphere created by me getting wound up about toilet training just wasn't worth it, and was probably counter-productive.

I went to the other extreme and opted for trainer pants all the time, hardly mentioning the loo at all. If my approach was queried, I just said that I had been advised by health professionals to adopt a 'no pressure' method of toilet training (which I had been, ages before, tbf!)

The nursery I used was ok with this, and by the time they started school, they were all dry etc. apart from one ds, who had to have trainer pants on for a poo, well into reception. He always managed to hold on till he got home, though. Peer pressure is way more effective, I think!

My ds always had a fair bit of screen time to save my sanity, but I used to snuggle up with them and discuss what we were watching, to make me feel better about it! It honestly didn't seem to affect them academically. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hold on to the thought that this time will pass. I know how difficult it can be, but the things I regret and feel guilty about now are not the too much telly or the 'lazy' toilet training I opted for, but the times I lost my cool and was unkind to ds for not conforming to someone else's 'norms'. x

nilbyname Sat 04-Jan-14 20:19:55

Hi op how are you feeling?

audley Mon 06-Jan-14 15:47:38

Howling, my ds1 was the same, had Hv come to the house a few times with poo goes to poo land book, some toys and games. She worked with him sitting on the loo and blowing out candles and other stuff. Was miraculous, worked from day one, not an accident since. Any chance you could access similar support?
Btw I have no idea how to deal with negative relatives....still working on that one myself!

HowlingTrap Thu 09-Jan-14 10:14:50

Mine came and brought a chart , she was okay, its getting over his fear of sitting on the toilet.

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