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what to do about my 7yr old daughter

(55 Posts)
ladythatlunches Sun 20-Oct-13 09:23:38

Hello everyone,

I would very much appreciate some advice as im close to breaking point!

She is 7 a very bright clever girl. Very popular at school one of the top children in her class, always winning awards and outstanding reports.

Since the day she was born she has always been challenging. She was a very hard baby (she is our 2nd child) screamed morning noon and night. Never happy. Mine and dhs relationship came to breaking point as we were both at the end of our tethers with her.

As the years went on we both hoped she would improve but she didn't. Crying all the time, tantrums, wanting and demanding.

She is now a complete nightmare. I love this little girl to bits, constantly showered by affection, and out of all our 5 children she gets the most attention.

For instance if we go to the shops she will be the child on the floor screaming she wants this or that!

She doesn't listen to myself or husband she back chats, screams kicks, hangs off our legs, trashes the house.

We have sat down with all our children (well the ones old enough to understand) the rules in place, which our bad behaviour will be given warning then if continues a punishment will be given. Usually telly out of room, then sent to room, then grounded.

This falls on deaf ears with her, she will say she doesn't care, she will scream at me , she pulled out lounge curtains and poles down, kick the walls , say when we aren't looking she is going out (and does) she unlocks door and runs out, im chasing her and literally dragging her to her room while she screams and kicks , this will continue you till about 10/11 every night till she screams her self to sleep, after waking our little ones up numerous times in night.

I have been in tears, I can be calm with her, ive tried just cuddling her, screaming at her and this is still our everyday life.

Last night was horrendous hence seeking advice this morning, she went on till midnight last night, refused to go to bed , yet again trashed her room.

I have never hit any of my children ever but last night the thought of picking her up and throwing her out the door crossed my mind! Im so ashamed to admit that.

I can't go on likey this anymore Im exhausted and need help. Can anyone help? Suggest someone I could call? Or try.

Just to add I have taken her to doctors and health visitor few years ago and when she was a baby, but apparently she is a normal behaved child. I don't like comparing but my othery xhildren are nothing likey this at all.

I shall post a few places as im desperate. .

Apileofballyhoo Sun 20-Oct-13 20:46:49

I believe there is a book called something like 'the explosive child'. Also, was she always like this? At 2, 3, 4, 5 years of age?

sesamechoc Sun 20-Oct-13 21:29:12

Apileofballyhoo - just looked that book up and it sounds right for the OP and her daughter.

We did montessori, baby led weaning/ both work PT and co parent/read the baby whisperer, unconditional parenting, how to talk... and the ahaparenting book and we always say " we had to learn a new language!" this sort of parenting is still very much in the minority - when people say " we can't believe how well behaved/ thoughtful etc your 2 boys are" they seem to think that we were the "lucky" parents who punishments/rewards worked for and when we tell them we never did punishments or rewards, they say " oh were you really permissive then????" and we say " no, we did xxx and it took a lot of work!!!" - some have gone on to do the same but others have not believed us and said " you're just lucky"...

Ladythatlunches - Sorry to go on but when I think about how i felt about my parents when they did punishments and rewards and look at my relationships with my 2 boys, i get a bit evangelical about this sort of parenting!

Apileofballyhoo Sun 20-Oct-13 22:11:19

Hi sesame
I get told that my DS is very happy and easy - but I put a huge amount of work into it! DH is not so active but he doesn't shout or punish either. I find to be another great website. I look at aha too. I've actually learned a lot about meeting my own emotional needs through this journey. It is lovely to meet another peaceful parent - I am always a bit reticent about expressing my views!

Apileofballyhoo Sun 20-Oct-13 22:15:30

Also sorry for going off on tangent. I also see I cross posted with a few people about 'The Explosive Child'; please do have a look at it, OP.

notanyanymore Sun 20-Oct-13 22:36:36

my dd2 is similar in many ways, but younger. not long ago she was having these moody episodes to the point of there was nothing you could do with her, couldn't cuddle, be stern, anything. I came to the conclusion she just couldn't control her emotions (i was the same when i was pregnant with her, she was a very trying baby), and not just in a 'she's only little' kind of way. i decided to concentrate on letting her know what was within her control and what wasn't. I think its good for children to know they are not in charge of somethings, so they don't need to worry about it, they can do that a plenty when they are adults.
so initially, when she started i would sit close by, not touch, and talk very calmly, with a low voice and very quietly (my brother is a teacher who specializes with children with behavioural probs, he once told me the louder the class gets the quieter you speak, not shout, they'll shut up to hear you), eventually she'd start listening (i could tell) and i would tell her she had a choice right now and only she could make it. she could calm down, tell me the problem and i'd help her, or she could keep screaming. i couldn't make that choice for her but i could help if she let me, and i wanted to because i love her. it took some will power on my part but it worked. I put a big emphasis on the fact that whatever the problem was, I would help her with that and we would fix it, but the intial part of her calming down, stop raving and talk to me so i COULD help was a choice that she had, and only she could make.
you need to stay in charge (even if its just a guise!) stay calm, stay focused, tell her what she needs to do and what you can do for her if she'll let you.
make a big effort and it'll pay off in a relatively short period of time. speak to your dh so you're both on board and know whats going to happen.
having re-read all that, wow its long! i hope it might help in some way and not just read as nonsense!

ladythatlunches Mon 21-Oct-13 08:52:26

Thank you all so much.

It's so nice to get outside reviews as when you are in the mist of it all you just can't see anything else.

This morning we had full blown again. She wouldn't brush her teeth until I did her hair, so I said ok let's do your hair, she wouldn't stand up abd was rolling on the floor. So I asked calmly if she would stand up I can do her hair for her!! Nope wasn't happening so I left the room.

This resulted in screaming that u don't care about her and I am the worst mum ever, and u should go leave and go live somewhere else.

I told her I love her, and that has upset mummy .. she said she doesn't care im mean.

Anyway she has gone to school no teeth brushed and ni hair brushed!

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 21-Oct-13 09:19:29

See a homeopathic doctor. Even if you don't believe it will help. I took angry and and sad DS (14) and the talks and magic pills of nothingness were transforming!

ladythatlunches Mon 21-Oct-13 09:47:30

Noteven; what did they do

Im going to Google one now

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 21-Oct-13 09:55:56

He went 3 times and talked, he didn't want to tell me loads about it but the guy was a wizard I think!! Prescribed some pills and gave stress managing ideas. DS said they mostly talked about a weird kind of jazz music they both liked wink but hey, it was miraculous from my point of view.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 21-Oct-13 10:12:06

I was going to mention the Explosive Child book too. I would also seek some outside help from the GP, you all deserve some help at this point!

ladythatlunches Mon 21-Oct-13 11:44:39

Im definitely going to get this book. Also going to book an appointment with gp. Going to log everything for a week and take video evidence also as back up!

ladythatlunches Mon 21-Oct-13 11:49:33

I have ordered the book. Can't wait to read it. Thank you
You have given me hope at the momost difficult time.

changeforthebetter Mon 21-Oct-13 12:31:18

Sounds like Dd1 - another screaming battle today hmm

She can behave dreadfully. She is part way through an ASD assessment.

She is desperately unhappy and insecure and the way she cries breaks my heart.

neolara Mon 21-Oct-13 12:34:52

Might be worth thinking about love bombing. Sounds hard work. Good luck.

newgirl Mon 21-Oct-13 13:12:02

I think my dd was having too much sugar for her - and we eat really healthily - I've changed her cereals and I think it's helped

ladythatlunches Mon 21-Oct-13 19:40:39

Well she has been good since home. She got another certificate from school (my clever girl) so bar this morning we are having a good day.

Im soaking in the bath she is in my bed watching tv so see how she is when u get out abd remind her she has few minutes till bed time!

Apileofballyhoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:13:21

Screen time can make some children very cross, OP, just as an aside. I wouldn't be at all bothered about hair or to a lesser extent, teeth, in the morning. Choose your battles!

What is her diet like? Sugar highs and lows? Also thought of this article.

Excellent post by notanyanymore.

gamerchick Mon 21-Oct-13 20:20:37

Have you tried having a tantrum yourself? It might shock her out of it.

Or record her each time she does it and tell her you're going to show people how she behaves or something.

gamerchick Mon 21-Oct-13 20:21:09

Have you tried having a tantrum yourself? It might shock her out of it.

Or record her each time she does it and tell her you're going to show people how she behaves or something.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:25:11

gamerchick Mon 21-Oct-13 20:28:41

What I do when my youngest is having a hissy fit when he wants his own way.. I do the whole dramatic kung foo slow exaggerated moves with sound effects to distract then move in for a tickle. If that doesn't work, I do a wavy dance with my arms and then move in for a tickle. It gets me looks in public but 9/10 works pretty good. Keep it light and inject some humour.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:38:29

Sesame - thanks for pm! Tried to respond but on phone and not sure it went through...I don't know of any forums but I follow the peacefulparenting website facebook page and people often post there with queries. A forum would be great!

Apileofballyhoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:39:05

Sorry for thread hijack again!

sesamechoc Mon 21-Oct-13 20:50:11

Hi OP- it's great that you've getting the book - the author of the book also has a website,so you could take in snippets if you have time...

I'm sure this isn't news but the other thing that is exacerbating thing is her late nights. I did the following which a friend who's a paediatrician advised and it worked...

When DS2 was born, DS1's bedtime went from 7.30 pm to 9.30/10 pm and he was a lot crankier/ more prone to emotional outbursts during the day.

When things were a bit more settled with DS2, we got DS1's bedtime back very slowly. We woke him up at 7am every day and aimed to make his bedtime just 15 minutes earlier every week so it took around 7 weeks to get him back to his normal bedtime but because it had occurred gradually, his body clock had adjusted back again....

sesamechoc Mon 21-Oct-13 20:54:48

Hi Apileofballyhoo,

Was writing so just saw your message - thanks. When DS2 starts school next year, will have a lot more time and am thinking about approaching family guardian to do a series on the research on rewards/punishments not working and successful altermatives!

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